a lot of them.
i love my life. i love the people in it. i love my job. i love school. i love being busy. i love that i am growing. i love living in cookeville. i love writing about it.
but......
loving my life doesn't make it easy.
all those things i mentioned, i love them, but they are all so hard...
the people in it. i love them. i love them like crazy. really. it is crazy...you wanna know who i love? i love my family who i only get to see once a week and most. i love my family who i almost never get to see. i love my friends who i never see anymore. i love my close friends who live in wisconsin, colorado, knoxville, and other far-away places. i love my best friend who i live with but barely keep up with. i love my friends who live here at ttu with me, but who live entirely different lives. i love my christian friends who i labour with, but i hardly know them. i love all my international friends who will all leave in 2 months or in may, who i will most likely never see again. i love my fiance who i have never seen yet.
my job. i babysit at the ttu child developement lab. preschoolers. i love them. loving this job is huge for me...i've never loved a job before. in the past, i've worked because i had to, and i just don't like having a job. it's not because of the work, it's becasue of the idea of a job. but this one i love. only it's hard. so many people wanting my attention, and the ones who don't want it are the ones who need it. i can't make them do anything, but that's my job. i still don't know if some of them recognize me...
school. it's school. i really love the work and i really love getting more knowledge. but it's work. most of it's not hard. but algebra is. sometimes i understand completely and then it is super enjoyable, but when i don't get it, there's nothing i can do about it - i can't figure math out by myself. so it's discouraging at times. other times it's just busy... grades are good. but that wasn't easy.
being busy. need i say more?
growing.....is what this whole post is about.......
living in cookeville. i love living in cookeville. i still walk around all the time thinking to myself "i live here....i LIVE here! :o". *grin* that part's good. only now i am so torn...there are so many other places i would like to be. the hard part is just being content with whre i'm at.
and writing about it is hard for many reasons. first, it means being at least somewhat vulnerable. second, it means i have to think through the pain. third, it means i want to talk about it, and there was no one to talk to.
=)
that's not funny, but i can't help but smile at myself.......
today i saw a guy who looked so much like...someone else. only taller and with blond hair. he paused for a minute when we made eye contact. do i remind him of someone from his past? just a thought. i would hope not... does he live here? will i see him again? why have i never seen him before? why do i (still) care....... i don't even put that one as a question anymore. i've gotten used to thinking of it as a fact. i want to see him again...i want him to talk to me again.....i want to look at his face and see if he really does look like...the other guy... does he have the same haunting eyes? what about the same riveting smile? but i don't. what if he did have the same eyes and smile? what if he does..... would i want to see them? yes...no....
but as i've never seen him before, i doubt i will see him again so it doesn't matter.
he's so much better as a memory than as anything else besides forgotten. (which won't happen.)
moving on.
the people i spend the most time with, or the most consistent time with. we are all trying to build frindships with international students, to love them, to share the gospel with them, to share our lives with them. they are my family here at school. they are my friends, my accountability, my encouragement. but i hardly know them...we just labor along beside each other.
paul, i love paul! he's the only one i was even friends with before... molly is amazing...but i hardly know her at all. i only know i like her. timber...brandon i don't know at all. same with kari. and will that ever change? the only time i ever see them is when we are in big groups so i never have any type of personal interaction. this can't be good! but what can we do? we have onlt so much time in our lives, and they have only so much time here. we have to pick priorities. *shrug* maybe we could do something about it though. maybe if i wasn't the only one who cared.....
SIGH
and there is more. but will i write about it?
maybe i will.
some of it...
i am very happy that i always walk with Jesus. and sometimes i lose sight of him, but he is never any farther away, my heart just looks in the wrong places. but we walk and talk all day long. it's so sweet. it's so amazing. it's so supernatural.
when i look at pictures of myself, and when i look at the way i talk, and when i look at how i get so distracted so easily, and when i look at other people, i wonder what's so cool about me. nothing. only somehow he loves me still. i dont understand that part......i dont see what he sees. i wont see it til i see him. but i know he loves me, and i know his love must shine through me too cause other people seem to really love me. and i'm not lovable. not on my own...anything in me to love is from him. i still dont get how that works. why does he love me? why do they love me?
i'm tired.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
*she is sooo sleepy*
1. Last beverage - "water. with lemon." *she smiles at the guy who turns out to be possibly creepy*
2. Last phone call -uhh...it's been a while....... *she doesn't remember...*
3. Last song you listened to - a message - coldplay *she wishes that was true*
4. Last time you cried - this summer *she doesn't cry enough*
HAVE YOU EVER:
5. Dated someone twice - nope *she doesn't date at all*
6. Been cheated on? - that depends mostly on your definition of "cheated on" *she thinks yes*
7. Lost someone special? - of course *she's lost special people in every way possible*
8. Been depressed? -Yes *she doesn't want to think about this...*
9. Been high? - NATURE drunk and high!!! *she hasn't*
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: *she thinks these colors represent everything she feels*
10. red *she thinks red is passionate*
11. black *she thinks black is dark and confusing*
12. silver *she thinks silver is happy*
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
13. Have you made new friends this year - a TON! *she is always "making friends"*
14. Fallen out of love - bosh. no *she wasn't in love*
15. Laughed until you cried - yep *she laughs a lot*
16. Found out someone was talking about you - duh. *she doesn't care*
TRUTH:
17. How many kids do you want to have - none for a while *she can't decide*
18. Do you want to change your name - not particularly *she might want to if she gets married...*
19. What did you do for your last birthday - went to madcity! *she liked that birthday!*
20. What time did you wake up today - 0800 *she wasn't amused*
21. What were you doing at midnight last night - talking about true colors with my sisters *she is green if that means anything*
22. Name something you CANNOT wait for - theres a heck of a lot of things i dont WANT to wait for but absolutely nothing that i CANT wait for *she is very logical...*
23. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - i would take a new matress... *she likes her life*
24. What’s getting on your nerves right now? - F------ GUYS!!!!!!! *ooh, she is mad!*
25. Zodiac sign - LEO (be jealous) *she is proud!*
26. Hair color - most of them are brownish *she has lots of different colors in her hair*
27. Long or short - compared to what *she has long hair...*
28. Height -5' 4" *she is not short*
29. Do you have a crush on someone - *shrug* *she doesn't want to answer...*
30. What do you like about yourself - my brain...sometimes *she doesn't like her brain right now...!*
31. Piercings - i have 3. i like lip piercings on guys! *she wants more*
32. Tattoos - not yet. *she will get at least 1 soon*
33. Righty or lefty - left brained...sometimes *she is confused*
FIRSTS :
34. First surgery - they took my brain out *she is kidding (she isn't very funny...)*
35. First Sport - basket ball!!!!! *she loves sports*
36. First pet - non-existant *she doesn't need pets*
37. First concert - lecrae *she is sadly deprived...!*
38. First crush - psht...it depends on how you count it *she doesn't know*
39. First alcohol drink - miller lite i think...i really dont remember. that was a lot of alcohol ago... *she kinda likes alcohol...*
RIGHT NOW
40. I’m about to - GO TO BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *she is soooo sleepy*
41. Waiting for - my algebra grade *she thinks she did well*
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OTHER SEX?
42. Lips or eyes - eyes *she really likes them to have both!*
43. Hugs or kisses - Hugs *she only takes hugs*
44. Shorter or taller - taller than i am *she thinks this is a dumb question*
45. Older or Younger - my age. *she thinks this is also a dumb question - guys can be any age the freakin want!*
46. Romantic or spontaneous - spontaneous *she doesnt understand romance*
47. Tattoos or piercings - *she already answered this question*
48. Hook-up or relationship - definately neither *she is mad, remember?*
49. Trouble maker or hesitant - trouble-maker!! *she needs more trouble in her life*
HAVE YOU EVER :
50. Drank hard liquor -uhm... *she can't answer this one*
51. Cried infront on someone - in front of or on? yes to both *she wishes that people who write these things were a little more careful...*
52. Broken someone’s heart - someones' *she really hopes you read that right*
53. Had your own heart broken - chya. i deserved it tho... *she didn't really...*
54. Turned someone down - haha...hahaha...all the time. hahah *she thinks this is a funny question cause it's sposed to imply something, but doesn't actually say it...*
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
55. Yourself - yes! *she is trying to*
56. Miracles - depends on what you mean by "miracle" *she doesn't*
57. Love at first sight - no *she thinks this is a dumb idea*
58. Kissing on the first date - it happens. *she doesnt let it happen to her*
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
60. Is there one person you want to be with right now - of course *she is already with her*
61. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time - no... *she's never had even one*
62. What’s the one thing you cannot live without - SLEEP!!!!!!!!!! *she is sooo sleepy*
2. Last phone call -uhh...it's been a while....... *she doesn't remember...*
3. Last song you listened to - a message - coldplay *she wishes that was true*
4. Last time you cried - this summer *she doesn't cry enough*
HAVE YOU EVER:
5. Dated someone twice - nope *she doesn't date at all*
6. Been cheated on? - that depends mostly on your definition of "cheated on" *she thinks yes*
7. Lost someone special? - of course *she's lost special people in every way possible*
8. Been depressed? -Yes *she doesn't want to think about this...*
9. Been high? - NATURE drunk and high!!! *she hasn't*
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: *she thinks these colors represent everything she feels*
10. red *she thinks red is passionate*
11. black *she thinks black is dark and confusing*
12. silver *she thinks silver is happy*
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
13. Have you made new friends this year - a TON! *she is always "making friends"*
14. Fallen out of love - bosh. no *she wasn't in love*
15. Laughed until you cried - yep *she laughs a lot*
16. Found out someone was talking about you - duh. *she doesn't care*
TRUTH:
17. How many kids do you want to have - none for a while *she can't decide*
18. Do you want to change your name - not particularly *she might want to if she gets married...*
19. What did you do for your last birthday - went to madcity! *she liked that birthday!*
20. What time did you wake up today - 0800 *she wasn't amused*
21. What were you doing at midnight last night - talking about true colors with my sisters *she is green if that means anything*
22. Name something you CANNOT wait for - theres a heck of a lot of things i dont WANT to wait for but absolutely nothing that i CANT wait for *she is very logical...*
23. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - i would take a new matress... *she likes her life*
24. What’s getting on your nerves right now? - F------ GUYS!!!!!!! *ooh, she is mad!*
25. Zodiac sign - LEO (be jealous) *she is proud!*
26. Hair color - most of them are brownish *she has lots of different colors in her hair*
27. Long or short - compared to what *she has long hair...*
28. Height -5' 4" *she is not short*
29. Do you have a crush on someone - *shrug* *she doesn't want to answer...*
30. What do you like about yourself - my brain...sometimes *she doesn't like her brain right now...!*
31. Piercings - i have 3. i like lip piercings on guys! *she wants more*
32. Tattoos - not yet. *she will get at least 1 soon*
33. Righty or lefty - left brained...sometimes *she is confused*
FIRSTS :
34. First surgery - they took my brain out *she is kidding (she isn't very funny...)*
35. First Sport - basket ball!!!!! *she loves sports*
36. First pet - non-existant *she doesn't need pets*
37. First concert - lecrae *she is sadly deprived...!*
38. First crush - psht...it depends on how you count it *she doesn't know*
39. First alcohol drink - miller lite i think...i really dont remember. that was a lot of alcohol ago... *she kinda likes alcohol...*
RIGHT NOW
40. I’m about to - GO TO BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *she is soooo sleepy*
41. Waiting for - my algebra grade *she thinks she did well*
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OTHER SEX?
42. Lips or eyes - eyes *she really likes them to have both!*
43. Hugs or kisses - Hugs *she only takes hugs*
44. Shorter or taller - taller than i am *she thinks this is a dumb question*
45. Older or Younger - my age. *she thinks this is also a dumb question - guys can be any age the freakin want!*
46. Romantic or spontaneous - spontaneous *she doesnt understand romance*
47. Tattoos or piercings - *she already answered this question*
48. Hook-up or relationship - definately neither *she is mad, remember?*
49. Trouble maker or hesitant - trouble-maker!! *she needs more trouble in her life*
HAVE YOU EVER :
50. Drank hard liquor -uhm... *she can't answer this one*
51. Cried infront on someone - in front of or on? yes to both *she wishes that people who write these things were a little more careful...*
52. Broken someone’s heart - someones' *she really hopes you read that right*
53. Had your own heart broken - chya. i deserved it tho... *she didn't really...*
54. Turned someone down - haha...hahaha...all the time. hahah *she thinks this is a funny question cause it's sposed to imply something, but doesn't actually say it...*
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
55. Yourself - yes! *she is trying to*
56. Miracles - depends on what you mean by "miracle" *she doesn't*
57. Love at first sight - no *she thinks this is a dumb idea*
58. Kissing on the first date - it happens. *she doesnt let it happen to her*
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
60. Is there one person you want to be with right now - of course *she is already with her*
61. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time - no... *she's never had even one*
62. What’s the one thing you cannot live without - SLEEP!!!!!!!!!! *she is sooo sleepy*
a not-so-typical day
this morning i woke up at 0800. that's very normal. but everything else was not normal... mainly cause i was in the guest bedroom at my brother's house instead of in my bunk-bed in my apartment.
i checked my phone and had no new texts. that's semi-un-normal. i was a little sad...
after i finally dragged myself out of bed i decided to shake a tower and wash my hair. that's not terribly strange. i guess. after surviving that ordeal, dressing, drying the mirror and parting my hair, i realized that after waching my hair i had completely forgetten to put in conditioner. quite odd. i wondered if that would be indicative of the rest of my day...
in some ways, absolutely! i have been very out-of-it today. something about life just seems off. i dont like it.
we ate breakfast. went shopping. and then we watched temple grandin - my nephew's newest favorite movie. it was challenging tho good. i have a hard time with movies like that. especially on days like today...
jo and i drove back to cookeville where we stopped at cracker barrel for her to start her shift. i went to dolce and sat outside to read psychology. while there a guy walked up that i met last week. i dont think he recognized me. after meeting up with his girlfriend they went in and sat at the table right next to mine - on the opposite side of the window. it was awkward, i just tried (unsuccessfully) not to think about it.
then i went home and unpacked. then i came here to the library to check some internet stuff and write this blog post.
my brain is so messed up right now. i can't even begin to describe what i am thinking and feeling.
i feel like i have a world of my own. i feel like there is an impenatrable wall around my mind that no one can get into and i can't get out of. i feel lost in myself. i feel trapped.
i don't know how i got here and i don't know how to get out.
on top of (becuase of?) that, i am having guy issues. there's nothing wrong with the guys in my life. there's nothing wrong with the guys being in my life. it's just this, when too many people pay attention to me i get very confused, unstable, and clostrophobic. i can't deal with multiple guys trying to hold my attention. when this happens i want to go off into my own world. i want to never see a guy again.
only this time it is different. there is one guy i kind of want to talk to. would he understand? i have no idea. i almost wish i knew, but we are not close, so would that only make it harder?
i'm so confused.
will i ever know? how do i get past this one? i want to talk, but to who? not to the guys who want to talk to me....only to the people who don't seem as interested. why does it always work that way?
k. i got to go.
"my song is love, i love unknown. and i've got to get that message home." -coldplay
talk to me, please?
i checked my phone and had no new texts. that's semi-un-normal. i was a little sad...
after i finally dragged myself out of bed i decided to shake a tower and wash my hair. that's not terribly strange. i guess. after surviving that ordeal, dressing, drying the mirror and parting my hair, i realized that after waching my hair i had completely forgetten to put in conditioner. quite odd. i wondered if that would be indicative of the rest of my day...
in some ways, absolutely! i have been very out-of-it today. something about life just seems off. i dont like it.
we ate breakfast. went shopping. and then we watched temple grandin - my nephew's newest favorite movie. it was challenging tho good. i have a hard time with movies like that. especially on days like today...
jo and i drove back to cookeville where we stopped at cracker barrel for her to start her shift. i went to dolce and sat outside to read psychology. while there a guy walked up that i met last week. i dont think he recognized me. after meeting up with his girlfriend they went in and sat at the table right next to mine - on the opposite side of the window. it was awkward, i just tried (unsuccessfully) not to think about it.
then i went home and unpacked. then i came here to the library to check some internet stuff and write this blog post.
my brain is so messed up right now. i can't even begin to describe what i am thinking and feeling.
i feel like i have a world of my own. i feel like there is an impenatrable wall around my mind that no one can get into and i can't get out of. i feel lost in myself. i feel trapped.
i don't know how i got here and i don't know how to get out.
on top of (becuase of?) that, i am having guy issues. there's nothing wrong with the guys in my life. there's nothing wrong with the guys being in my life. it's just this, when too many people pay attention to me i get very confused, unstable, and clostrophobic. i can't deal with multiple guys trying to hold my attention. when this happens i want to go off into my own world. i want to never see a guy again.
only this time it is different. there is one guy i kind of want to talk to. would he understand? i have no idea. i almost wish i knew, but we are not close, so would that only make it harder?
i'm so confused.
will i ever know? how do i get past this one? i want to talk, but to who? not to the guys who want to talk to me....only to the people who don't seem as interested. why does it always work that way?
k. i got to go.
"my song is love, i love unknown. and i've got to get that message home." -coldplay
talk to me, please?
Sunday, October 17, 2010
blog happy
that's me.
i haven't blogged in soo long! i haven't journaled either. there was a good reason...i used to write too much. but now i write too little. i keep it all in my head and then there's no room for everything else. that's why i can write for hours one day (yesterday) and still want to write the next day (today). i have so many thoughts in my head. some i want to share, some i don't know if i should be thinking so i don't know if i should share them. but maybe if i share them, then i will stop thinking them...?
gah. so confused. that's my constant state of mind though...kind of funny that i am constantly confused. you would think that the more used to being confused i am, the less confused i would feel. that's confusing. haha. bottom line, no matter how confused i am, i never get used to it. well.....no, i get used to it, i just still feel confused. i don't know if that makes any sense. oh well if it doesn't.
i have some very distressing thoughts in my head.
i love being alone. i love doing my favorite things alone.
i haven't blogged in soo long! i haven't journaled either. there was a good reason...i used to write too much. but now i write too little. i keep it all in my head and then there's no room for everything else. that's why i can write for hours one day (yesterday) and still want to write the next day (today). i have so many thoughts in my head. some i want to share, some i don't know if i should be thinking so i don't know if i should share them. but maybe if i share them, then i will stop thinking them...?
gah. so confused. that's my constant state of mind though...kind of funny that i am constantly confused. you would think that the more used to being confused i am, the less confused i would feel. that's confusing. haha. bottom line, no matter how confused i am, i never get used to it. well.....no, i get used to it, i just still feel confused. i don't know if that makes any sense. oh well if it doesn't.
i have some very distressing thoughts in my head.
i love being alone. i love doing my favorite things alone.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
the guy i want to marry
i know, i am afraid of commitment. i run from intimacy. and i play guys so obviously that they know it. but i do want to get married some day. later than sooner....all in good time...
well i have begun to realize, from people in my life, from people NOT in my life, and from general thinking, that i now have a fairly good idea of who i want to marry. that's what i think today, i'll be rewriting this post in less than a year i'm sure...lol
well, yes, there are all the little things,
...like it would be really cool if he liked trucks and motorcycles and sports cars.
...and it would be really cool if he liked country and classic rock.
...and it would be really cool if he liked dancing.
...and it would be really cool if he liked my family.
...and it would be really cool if his family liked me.
...and it would be really cool if he liked watching football on sunday afternoons.
...and it would be really cool if he liked driving.
...and it would be really cool if he had long hair.
...and it would be really cool if he spoke english as a 1st language and spanish as a 2nd (or 3rd of 4th...whatever, i'm not picky...).
...and it would be really cool if he liked talking.
...and it would be really cool if he wanted to move around the world (and live in madison).
...and it would be really cool if he knew how to fix cars and wanted to teach me.
...and it would be really cool if he wanted kids like i do.
...and it would be really cool if he liked listening to music in the car.
...and it would be really cool if he liked going to random places late at night for no reason.
...and it would be really cool if he didn't like texting other people when he was with real people.
...and it would be really cool if he liked to cook.
...and it would be really cool if he was semi-artistic.
...and it would be really cool if he liked driving fast.
BUT. those are the little things.....there are 4 things that are non-negotiables.
first though, i will say this, i know within a week (and usually the first time we meet) if i will never like a guy. i don't ever know if i WILL. but i know when i won't. the 3 guys i have ever really liked, i had no idea when i first met that i would...i just knew i thought they were interesting. and then after a while...6 months or more, i'm interested. haha
i also know rather quickly who i will like a little bit, but can't like a lot. those guys often like me a little too...i feel a little bad for them. oh well. happens to the best of us.
but down to what i really want to write about.
a guy i WILL NOT marry...
...has an addiction. i don't care what it is, unless he is actively fighting it. i don't care if he wants to smoke now and then. i don't care what he smokes. i don't care if he wants to drink - i wanna drink with him! but if he is physically or psychologically addicted, i won't marry him. one comment though, i will have to make a 12-yard, 12-hour rule: no smoking within 12 yards, and no kissing within 12 hours. LOL!!! it's kinda funny, but i mean it.
...is unattractive. i don't mean he thinks he is unattractive. or other people think he is unattractive. it doesn't matter what he looks like as long as i am attracted to him.
...is abusive/violent. maybe, as with the addiction, if he is learning self-control, i would marry him. but a consistently emotionally, physically, or mentally abusive guy is a DEFINATE no.
the guy i WILL marry...
...LOVES GOD and has a growing relationship with him. obviously, that implies i've known him long enough to see for myself. he will share my heart for the world...whether we are in madison, or mexico, or monterey he will be happy to invest our life into others' for the sake of the gospel. i don't mean we go to church every week, tho i think we need to be involved with christians. i don't mean we legalistically read and pray at set times every day. i mean we love God and prioritize our relationships with him before anything else. before church, before work, before each other, before our potential kids. i mean we love each other and prioritize each other more than anyone else...before our kids, before our friends, before our bosses, before family. i mean we prioritze other peoples' relationships with God pefore anything besides what i've already written about... lol
the last thing i want is a guy who doesn't love God. the second-to-last thing i want is a guy who is super-spiritual and doesn't love God. the third-to-last thing i want is a guy who kind of loves God but isn't passionate about him. we have to share that.
...THINKS. i tend to think way more than most people i talk to. or at least, i think deeper...or i think about different things - that's probably it. but i need a guy who will keep up with my brain, challenge it, and enjoy mine. it's probably good if we think differently. that's probably really good, so i don't care how he thinks, as long as we both love thinking and sorting things out. i like understanding the world i'm trying to live in, and if he's oblivious...well, honestly, i hate that. lol
i am very analytical. he can be. most guys are. i am not terribly sensetive though...some guys are. i like those guys....somehow. it's weird cause i feel like girls are supposed to be the sensetive ones, but since i'm not, i hope he will be. but that's just a hope.
...LOVES NATURE. i don't mean loves hiking. i don't mean loves hunting. i don't mean loves animals. i just mean loves nature. loves lving in it, being in it, being a part of it. someone who would sit and watch the stars all night. someone who would go barefoot just to feel the ground. someone who would stop and move a turtle out of the road. someone who would loves running up creekbeds barefoot...but who will stop and admire the intense and searing beauty around him before moving on. <--- that is my favorite thing to do. =) this one i think will be the hardest to find.
...has the right hands. i try to shake guys' hands when i meet them. because my guy will have hands that i want to hold. so far there are very few hands that i even want to touch after the first shake...they just aren't right.
...is adventurous. obviously. i am boring by myself. i need a guy who will challenge me. who will help me do things i can't do alone, but want to do. i need a guy who will do crazy things just for the heck of it. with me. sometimes i am scared. sometimes i make boring choices. sometimes i try to be safe or follow rules. hopefully not so when i'm with him.
...loves the world. isn't caged up in his own little (unreal) world.
...likes my hair. =)
well i have begun to realize, from people in my life, from people NOT in my life, and from general thinking, that i now have a fairly good idea of who i want to marry. that's what i think today, i'll be rewriting this post in less than a year i'm sure...lol
well, yes, there are all the little things,
...like it would be really cool if he liked trucks and motorcycles and sports cars.
...and it would be really cool if he liked country and classic rock.
...and it would be really cool if he liked dancing.
...and it would be really cool if he liked my family.
...and it would be really cool if his family liked me.
...and it would be really cool if he liked watching football on sunday afternoons.
...and it would be really cool if he liked driving.
...and it would be really cool if he had long hair.
...and it would be really cool if he spoke english as a 1st language and spanish as a 2nd (or 3rd of 4th...whatever, i'm not picky...).
...and it would be really cool if he liked talking.
...and it would be really cool if he wanted to move around the world (and live in madison).
...and it would be really cool if he knew how to fix cars and wanted to teach me.
...and it would be really cool if he wanted kids like i do.
...and it would be really cool if he liked listening to music in the car.
...and it would be really cool if he liked going to random places late at night for no reason.
...and it would be really cool if he didn't like texting other people when he was with real people.
...and it would be really cool if he liked to cook.
...and it would be really cool if he was semi-artistic.
...and it would be really cool if he liked driving fast.
BUT. those are the little things.....there are 4 things that are non-negotiables.
first though, i will say this, i know within a week (and usually the first time we meet) if i will never like a guy. i don't ever know if i WILL. but i know when i won't. the 3 guys i have ever really liked, i had no idea when i first met that i would...i just knew i thought they were interesting. and then after a while...6 months or more, i'm interested. haha
i also know rather quickly who i will like a little bit, but can't like a lot. those guys often like me a little too...i feel a little bad for them. oh well. happens to the best of us.
but down to what i really want to write about.
a guy i WILL NOT marry...
...has an addiction. i don't care what it is, unless he is actively fighting it. i don't care if he wants to smoke now and then. i don't care what he smokes. i don't care if he wants to drink - i wanna drink with him! but if he is physically or psychologically addicted, i won't marry him. one comment though, i will have to make a 12-yard, 12-hour rule: no smoking within 12 yards, and no kissing within 12 hours. LOL!!! it's kinda funny, but i mean it.
...is unattractive. i don't mean he thinks he is unattractive. or other people think he is unattractive. it doesn't matter what he looks like as long as i am attracted to him.
...is abusive/violent. maybe, as with the addiction, if he is learning self-control, i would marry him. but a consistently emotionally, physically, or mentally abusive guy is a DEFINATE no.
the guy i WILL marry...
...LOVES GOD and has a growing relationship with him. obviously, that implies i've known him long enough to see for myself. he will share my heart for the world...whether we are in madison, or mexico, or monterey he will be happy to invest our life into others' for the sake of the gospel. i don't mean we go to church every week, tho i think we need to be involved with christians. i don't mean we legalistically read and pray at set times every day. i mean we love God and prioritize our relationships with him before anything else. before church, before work, before each other, before our potential kids. i mean we love each other and prioritize each other more than anyone else...before our kids, before our friends, before our bosses, before family. i mean we prioritze other peoples' relationships with God pefore anything besides what i've already written about... lol
the last thing i want is a guy who doesn't love God. the second-to-last thing i want is a guy who is super-spiritual and doesn't love God. the third-to-last thing i want is a guy who kind of loves God but isn't passionate about him. we have to share that.
...THINKS. i tend to think way more than most people i talk to. or at least, i think deeper...or i think about different things - that's probably it. but i need a guy who will keep up with my brain, challenge it, and enjoy mine. it's probably good if we think differently. that's probably really good, so i don't care how he thinks, as long as we both love thinking and sorting things out. i like understanding the world i'm trying to live in, and if he's oblivious...well, honestly, i hate that. lol
i am very analytical. he can be. most guys are. i am not terribly sensetive though...some guys are. i like those guys....somehow. it's weird cause i feel like girls are supposed to be the sensetive ones, but since i'm not, i hope he will be. but that's just a hope.
...LOVES NATURE. i don't mean loves hiking. i don't mean loves hunting. i don't mean loves animals. i just mean loves nature. loves lving in it, being in it, being a part of it. someone who would sit and watch the stars all night. someone who would go barefoot just to feel the ground. someone who would stop and move a turtle out of the road. someone who would loves running up creekbeds barefoot...but who will stop and admire the intense and searing beauty around him before moving on. <--- that is my favorite thing to do. =) this one i think will be the hardest to find.
...has the right hands. i try to shake guys' hands when i meet them. because my guy will have hands that i want to hold. so far there are very few hands that i even want to touch after the first shake...they just aren't right.
...is adventurous. obviously. i am boring by myself. i need a guy who will challenge me. who will help me do things i can't do alone, but want to do. i need a guy who will do crazy things just for the heck of it. with me. sometimes i am scared. sometimes i make boring choices. sometimes i try to be safe or follow rules. hopefully not so when i'm with him.
...loves the world. isn't caged up in his own little (unreal) world.
...likes my hair. =)
a weekend in the burg...
i went to gatlinburg last weekend. i loved it. and i hated it.
see, after spending two summers in a row in the burg it's not my fav place. it's ok for a day, but trying to live there for more than that is not a wise choice for many reasons. but that is entirely beside the point.
we went to gburg for campus outreach's fall retreat. a weekend to get away, hang out, hear about Jesus, play basketball or go hiking or go to the good ol' dw, or maybe sit in a river. there were a lot of people there, most of whom i did not know...i knew some from smp and i knew most of the international students who were there (i invited some of them...). my bro come (yay!) and my dear kelso was there!!! so fun, i got to room with two girls i have spent a lot of time with, romee and aeri, and kels. it was amazing!
i guess i will attempt to tell all about it...i feel as if i've lost my knack for blogging.....ugh. oh well.
soo...i worked until 1657 and then i walked out the door, down the hall into our directors office. we had a 30-second chat and then i was free for the weekend! i had wipped my hw so that i would have none over the weekend - so proud of that! i was free, free, free!!! i practically ran to mem gym where my lil bro was waiting with d+m's 15-seater van. we jumped in, headed home for all my stuff for the weekend.
when we finally got back to campus we headed over to m.s. cooper where i was picking up 10 international students.... i think we had 18 total, praise Jesus!! it took a while to get everyone loaded, and it took a while to persuade everyone that i really could drive the beast...but we finally were all loaded and when we got on the road at 1756 we were all pretty stoked!
"STOKE." to quote ryan... =)
so i drove and they talked. for a while. then i drove and they sat quietly. for a while. then i drove and they slept.
*grin*
i talked to my lovely brother the whole trip. that part was really amazing!
so we finally rolled in to the hotel sometime before the first rally started, rolled out of the van, down the stairs, through registration where i ran into my wonderful and amazing bff KELSEY LONG!!! following that we dropped our bags on our beds and rolled on back down to start the first rally.
our was about swag surfing and our speakers testimony. pretty cool stuff.
while we were getting crunk with glow sticks and Jesus, paul was giving a talk in korean to our korean internationals. i didn't hear that one, and even if i had've i wouldn't have known what he was saying...but i heard a lot about it from the others. paul is our resident crazy korean christian. paul is amazing. sometime when we're in heaven together, try and meet him. his name is paul bang, he looks korean. he is about 5'8", fairly skinny. has an amazing laugh. loves God, koreans, and sharing the gospel...
after that we had a party...there was red bull. it was sugar free. and sucked. there were glow sticks. they glowed. and inspired jealousy. there was really loud music. lecrae. justin beiber. miley. regardless, it was fun. we danced and laughed and took pictures. about equal parts of each. i pretended to be korean and no one tried to stop me. overall, it was amazing.
then we went to bed.
NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i went with 7 amazing people. ryan...simon...hyunho...joohyun...romee...injae...aeri. the names you can pronounce are there "american names". ;) i think it might make sense to say right here that i love koreans. i love international students, but i hang out with so many koreans that i feel like i should be able to speak korean. and then there are others...i don't know if you can understand, but they are my people. i love internationals.
anyhow...i went with those 7 to walk around gburg. everything was closed so we walked and looked and talked and took pictures.
for the first time someone asked me what i'm sure they all wonder. "don't you feel weird hanging out with us?" ok, so he didn't say it quite like that, he was really sweet about it. he said, "so, so you feel lonely when we are all talking in korean and you can't understand us?" i said, "nope. i like you. i know it's going to happen." he just smiled, i think a little confused, and put his arm around me. gotta love ryan.
after we got back, we all went to our rooms. we hung out there for a while. kelso was somewhere else. aeri and romee decided to go to bed, i went down stairs to talk to my bro.
finally, at around 0200, me and kel went to our room, talked a little, and then we all went to bed and fell asleep.
saturday, i woke up and went out to spend some time with Jesus. he was reminding me about love...i love because of him. i love through him. and that's the only way. how else can a stand to love these people who will leave my life in a matter of months? most likely to never return in any way? only through him. Solo en Cristo.
first session was on Jesus as Savior. twas good of course.
after that was finished something very cool happened.....there had been some confusion when we were all paying, and somehow i had payed for one extra person who wasn't coming. but somehow i didn't want the money back. i told them to keep it and that God would bring someone else. that was the last i heard. so i figured that somehow the money had gotten lost in the system, and that mystery person hadn't showed up.
but saturday morning, a girl named lizzy came up, gave me a hug, and said "THANK YOU!!!!!" and some more. well, turns out that she had been invited repeatedly, and declined repeatedly...she was planning on going to gatlinburg later in the semester, and so didn't want to spend the money. but then she was told that someone had already payed for her, and all she had to do was jump in the van and come. so she did.
and God was working. i don't know what all she was thinking, she didn't tell me. but it was obvious that the wheels were turning and a soul was seeking. that was more than i could've asked for.
God knows what he is doing. always.
after that session, we decided to treck down to pigeon forge to eat lunch at a japanese joint. it was amazing. of course. i've eaten there before, while i lived there. but it was good to be back. =)
during that time i got to sit next to lizzy and just chill with her. brandon got to share with ryan for most of the time we were there. i don't know what he was saying, but he was talking about stuff that matters and ryan was listening.
after we finally got finished with our hibachi, we split up. half went back to gburg to hike the chimney tops and i took the rest of the group to dollywood! it was very weird to be there. but we had fun. rode all the rides, watched none of the shows. eat none of the food. walked most of the park. good times.
shortly before we decided to leave, simon and i had the best talk i have had in a long time. i love how honest so many of the internationals will be with me. real, raw, and painful. i love that they know i can understand. i love that we talk even though it is hard, simply because it is SO WORTH IT! we talked about God mostly. but there was more. all i can pray is that as simon sees where he's really at, he will run to God instead of away. i love that guy. i am so overwhelmed at the priviledge i have had to share in his journey toward God. all i can do is be faithful. and pray. pray. pray.
after we left dw we sat in the road.
they slept. simon stayed awake with me for about 3/4 of the drive then he fell asleep too. the traffic was the worst i have ever seen it. and i lived there for 4 months... it took us 100 minutes to drive what should've taken 30 at most. got to the rally late and sat in the back.
the hiking crew got back at the exact same time we did. somehow that was good. not sure why or how.
we were all tired. we were all out-of-it. but truth is truth and God will use it any way he wants.
at the end of that rally an epic thing happened, dudley showed up!!
soo.....i knew he was coming, but it was still epic. :)
we got to talk a little while people were doing "small groups" after the rally, but who wants to talk in a room full of people? it was just good to see him.
after that rally, they had an nyc get-pumped rally. it was fun, but very loud, and i already knew i was going. i wish i'd left before it and gotten more time with dudley...oh well.
after that was over i went upstairs to put on some shoes then headed back down to find dudley.....
we decided to go eat, although i think it was a given... =) subway was the choice, and so we headed off into gburg.
i don't know about him, but i had no idea how amazing it was gonna be.
it didn't take long to get warmed up...i tend to be pretty awkward, and i didn't know how the evening was gonna go...neither of us are that talkative around people we don't know that well...but i was still hoping that it would end up being cool. i had noo idea. LOL
we ate subway. it was awesome from the beginning. from laughing with the workers and the other guys in line, to analyzing green poles and points it was all fun. he payed. i never know when to let people pay for me... we ate upstairs. of course...it was dirty, but that created a fitting atmosphere. i laughed a lot. i think dudley was having fun too...
we went into the mall and the cool shop was closed, so we walked under the ropes and past the signs that said not to. that was good.
then we walked all the way to the top on the strip, then started back on river road. i knew sooner or later we would up in the river, and we did. unfortunately, i was wearing shoes, and they had no grip so jumping on the rocks was a little difficult. oh well. then we sat. for a long time. in the river. and talked. we talked about all kinds of things.....a couple times i wondered what the lady on the balcony above us was thinking. then i wanted to laugh cause i knew that nothing she was thinking could've been right. lol
but it was cool. it was cool that i knew we would sit in the river, and then we did. it was cool that we sat on rocks with our feet in the water. it was cool that he took his shoes off. it was cool that we talked for an hour and it felt like minutes. it was cool that the water kept running. it was cool that we laughed at all the saem ridiculous things. it was cool that we could see some stars in the middle of gburg. maybe all that sounds normal, but it's not. it's very rare that i do things that i love and that the person i do them with does them with me. normally i get weird looks and "no - i'm not doing that"s. idk if it's normal for him or not.
then we climbed out. that part was fun. i'm so boring most of the time.
we walked some more. terrorized ducks. well...he did. i don't pick flowers or wake up sleeping ducks. but it was extra funny when he did it. you have no idea what i'm talking about, but i think that's totally ok. =)
then we walked some more. we walked past a girl crying and a guy being a jerk to her. that made dudley mad. we walked all the way to the bottom of gburg. and then we walked some more...off the road. because before we had been walking in the road. sometimes people came driving in our lane and we had to move, i didn't get it. they had 3 lanes, couldn't they leave our alone? losers.
so we walked to a fish hatchery and watched fish and talked about dudley's hat. i liked that cause i know he likes his hat.
we walked some more and saw some funny signs. on of them said "no fishing on thursday" which is about the funniest thing i've seen this month. (except maybe dudley's blog about what happened next...) maybe you had to be there. cause we laughed for like 5 minutes about that sign.
like i said, it's nice to be normal and not feel weird for it.
then we walked back. only we took a little different way, and this time instead of a nice gravel hill, there was a nice dirt and gravel cliff. we had fun getting up. i'm not even gonna try to write about it....it was dark, i got hit in the head with a rock. he got to the top. i almost fell, and he came back to help me. suffice to say that there were a few times i wondered what it was like to have 2 broken legs and a concussion. and maybe a broken back. k, that doesn't quite suffice. i will also say that i never would have gotten to the top without him. and when i was lying there on the face of that "cliff" hanging onto his hand to keep from falling who knows how far onto rock trying to figure out how it was all gonna work out, i picked my head up and looked at him and for a second it didn't matter how big of a drop it was, or how i was gonna get out of the royal pickle i was in. cause some things are worth it.
i've always thought that the destination is the journey. and i know from that split second of reality that it's true. regardless of how it ended, i had lived those moments with him, and that is what life is about.
and then somehow i was crawling and we were at the top. and i laughed. i think he might have as well. i didn't look back at what we'd climbed...i don't know why. i should've. i think i was too busy thinking that i wanted to do it again. =)
then we walked back.
saw another guy and his crying girlfriend.
that made me mad too.
but all good things have to end. and he had to leave. so i went back inside and watched a group of college kids play a game of something like musical chairs and thought. i thought a lot of thoughts. but mainly wondered what i was doing. here i am covered in dirt and feeling so dead. there are moments in life that make the rest of it worth living. but those are also the moments that make the rest of life seem like a shadow and not real life. i wanted to go back outside and never come back. i wondered why i had so much more fun with him than i have on my own. i wondered why i did things with him that i always want to do, and just don't when i'm by myself. still wondering... i asked myself why i am so boring. i asked myself why i don't have any other friends like him. still asking.
and i was also thinking that it was a good thing he lives in clemson and i live in cookeville. still thinking that.
after dudley left and i had thought enough to make most of the dirt hate me and fall off my jeans, i hung out and talked to kelso for a while. and we hung out til about 0300. finally i jumped into the shower after admiring the scrapes all down my torso and the bump on my temple and the bruise that was my felt knew. i slept pretty good that night. =)
i was the first one up the next day. i went and unlocked the van so that all my friends could put their stuff in it. then went and hung out for a while with whoever happened to be around, and then we had the last rally which was the "commitment" part. really just stating your response to all the truth you'd heard. i spent most of the time explaining to my crazy koreans what was happening.
then we broke up into small groups to share, and i pulled lizzy aside to talk to her. we talked for a while...about God and truth and surrender and all kinds of other things. i love it. there's nothing better than sharing living water with someone who is thirsty. nothing better. i don't know what God's gonna do...i haven't gotten to talk to her since, but i am praying, and i know God is working. that was an amazing way to end.
but it wasn't the end. i still had to say goodbye to kel, and take an international picture. once again, no one tried to tell me that i'm not international. (we all are if you think about it...just saying...) i love those guys.....i love pouring my life into them. i love sharing the gospel with them...i love driving them...i love teasing brandon with them...i love them teasing me...i love learning about their culture and themselves...i love trying to understand them...i love them calling me beth........i love how powerless i am to save them. i want them to know Jesus so bad, and he can do it. all i have to do is obey him, and he will do the rest. i love that the most.
after we were done taking pictures and saying goodbye we once again went and parked on the road. when we finally got to pf we met up with the rest of the crew for some mcallister's. gotta love the forge. that was fun though everyone was terribly tired. i took the back way all the way around pigeon forge but the road was pretty much a parking lot all the way to I-40. everyone fell asleep and i talked to my bro.
half way to cookeville i was pretty sure i would fall alseep cause sam had and everyone else had. so i called jo. :)
we stopped in crossville for gas and caffeine.
then we were all awake and having fun. laughing and listening to music. etc. when we got back to campus we had to say goodbye again. but i see them all the time now, so it's ok.
sam and i hit the road and headed back to hartsville to drop the van off and have a birthday party for mom.
so i guess that was the weekend. only i still have so many left-over thoughts.... thoughts about my relationship with God. thoughts about how i can be a better laborour in his harvest. thoughts about simon and lizzy and many others. and thoughts about my life.......what can i do to have more of those moments i live for?
how can i be so boring? i hate to think about it. i wish i took more risks. i wish i did more. but i don't. because i want someone to do them with...and i don't have anyone.
a weird realization for someone who loves being alone so much.
so overall, the weekend was amazing, and i would relive it in a heartbeat.
and i am trying to figure out what to do with all these extra thoughts in my head.
see, after spending two summers in a row in the burg it's not my fav place. it's ok for a day, but trying to live there for more than that is not a wise choice for many reasons. but that is entirely beside the point.
we went to gburg for campus outreach's fall retreat. a weekend to get away, hang out, hear about Jesus, play basketball or go hiking or go to the good ol' dw, or maybe sit in a river. there were a lot of people there, most of whom i did not know...i knew some from smp and i knew most of the international students who were there (i invited some of them...). my bro come (yay!) and my dear kelso was there!!! so fun, i got to room with two girls i have spent a lot of time with, romee and aeri, and kels. it was amazing!
i guess i will attempt to tell all about it...i feel as if i've lost my knack for blogging.....ugh. oh well.
soo...i worked until 1657 and then i walked out the door, down the hall into our directors office. we had a 30-second chat and then i was free for the weekend! i had wipped my hw so that i would have none over the weekend - so proud of that! i was free, free, free!!! i practically ran to mem gym where my lil bro was waiting with d+m's 15-seater van. we jumped in, headed home for all my stuff for the weekend.
when we finally got back to campus we headed over to m.s. cooper where i was picking up 10 international students.... i think we had 18 total, praise Jesus!! it took a while to get everyone loaded, and it took a while to persuade everyone that i really could drive the beast...but we finally were all loaded and when we got on the road at 1756 we were all pretty stoked!
"STOKE." to quote ryan... =)
so i drove and they talked. for a while. then i drove and they sat quietly. for a while. then i drove and they slept.
*grin*
i talked to my lovely brother the whole trip. that part was really amazing!
so we finally rolled in to the hotel sometime before the first rally started, rolled out of the van, down the stairs, through registration where i ran into my wonderful and amazing bff KELSEY LONG!!! following that we dropped our bags on our beds and rolled on back down to start the first rally.
our was about swag surfing and our speakers testimony. pretty cool stuff.
while we were getting crunk with glow sticks and Jesus, paul was giving a talk in korean to our korean internationals. i didn't hear that one, and even if i had've i wouldn't have known what he was saying...but i heard a lot about it from the others. paul is our resident crazy korean christian. paul is amazing. sometime when we're in heaven together, try and meet him. his name is paul bang, he looks korean. he is about 5'8", fairly skinny. has an amazing laugh. loves God, koreans, and sharing the gospel...
after that we had a party...there was red bull. it was sugar free. and sucked. there were glow sticks. they glowed. and inspired jealousy. there was really loud music. lecrae. justin beiber. miley. regardless, it was fun. we danced and laughed and took pictures. about equal parts of each. i pretended to be korean and no one tried to stop me. overall, it was amazing.
then we went to bed.
NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i went with 7 amazing people. ryan...simon...hyunho...joohyun...romee...injae...aeri. the names you can pronounce are there "american names". ;) i think it might make sense to say right here that i love koreans. i love international students, but i hang out with so many koreans that i feel like i should be able to speak korean. and then there are others...i don't know if you can understand, but they are my people. i love internationals.
anyhow...i went with those 7 to walk around gburg. everything was closed so we walked and looked and talked and took pictures.
for the first time someone asked me what i'm sure they all wonder. "don't you feel weird hanging out with us?" ok, so he didn't say it quite like that, he was really sweet about it. he said, "so, so you feel lonely when we are all talking in korean and you can't understand us?" i said, "nope. i like you. i know it's going to happen." he just smiled, i think a little confused, and put his arm around me. gotta love ryan.
after we got back, we all went to our rooms. we hung out there for a while. kelso was somewhere else. aeri and romee decided to go to bed, i went down stairs to talk to my bro.
finally, at around 0200, me and kel went to our room, talked a little, and then we all went to bed and fell asleep.
saturday, i woke up and went out to spend some time with Jesus. he was reminding me about love...i love because of him. i love through him. and that's the only way. how else can a stand to love these people who will leave my life in a matter of months? most likely to never return in any way? only through him. Solo en Cristo.
first session was on Jesus as Savior. twas good of course.
after that was finished something very cool happened.....there had been some confusion when we were all paying, and somehow i had payed for one extra person who wasn't coming. but somehow i didn't want the money back. i told them to keep it and that God would bring someone else. that was the last i heard. so i figured that somehow the money had gotten lost in the system, and that mystery person hadn't showed up.
but saturday morning, a girl named lizzy came up, gave me a hug, and said "THANK YOU!!!!!" and some more. well, turns out that she had been invited repeatedly, and declined repeatedly...she was planning on going to gatlinburg later in the semester, and so didn't want to spend the money. but then she was told that someone had already payed for her, and all she had to do was jump in the van and come. so she did.
and God was working. i don't know what all she was thinking, she didn't tell me. but it was obvious that the wheels were turning and a soul was seeking. that was more than i could've asked for.
God knows what he is doing. always.
after that session, we decided to treck down to pigeon forge to eat lunch at a japanese joint. it was amazing. of course. i've eaten there before, while i lived there. but it was good to be back. =)
during that time i got to sit next to lizzy and just chill with her. brandon got to share with ryan for most of the time we were there. i don't know what he was saying, but he was talking about stuff that matters and ryan was listening.
after we finally got finished with our hibachi, we split up. half went back to gburg to hike the chimney tops and i took the rest of the group to dollywood! it was very weird to be there. but we had fun. rode all the rides, watched none of the shows. eat none of the food. walked most of the park. good times.
shortly before we decided to leave, simon and i had the best talk i have had in a long time. i love how honest so many of the internationals will be with me. real, raw, and painful. i love that they know i can understand. i love that we talk even though it is hard, simply because it is SO WORTH IT! we talked about God mostly. but there was more. all i can pray is that as simon sees where he's really at, he will run to God instead of away. i love that guy. i am so overwhelmed at the priviledge i have had to share in his journey toward God. all i can do is be faithful. and pray. pray. pray.
after we left dw we sat in the road.
they slept. simon stayed awake with me for about 3/4 of the drive then he fell asleep too. the traffic was the worst i have ever seen it. and i lived there for 4 months... it took us 100 minutes to drive what should've taken 30 at most. got to the rally late and sat in the back.
the hiking crew got back at the exact same time we did. somehow that was good. not sure why or how.
we were all tired. we were all out-of-it. but truth is truth and God will use it any way he wants.
at the end of that rally an epic thing happened, dudley showed up!!
soo.....i knew he was coming, but it was still epic. :)
we got to talk a little while people were doing "small groups" after the rally, but who wants to talk in a room full of people? it was just good to see him.
after that rally, they had an nyc get-pumped rally. it was fun, but very loud, and i already knew i was going. i wish i'd left before it and gotten more time with dudley...oh well.
after that was over i went upstairs to put on some shoes then headed back down to find dudley.....
we decided to go eat, although i think it was a given... =) subway was the choice, and so we headed off into gburg.
i don't know about him, but i had no idea how amazing it was gonna be.
it didn't take long to get warmed up...i tend to be pretty awkward, and i didn't know how the evening was gonna go...neither of us are that talkative around people we don't know that well...but i was still hoping that it would end up being cool. i had noo idea. LOL
we ate subway. it was awesome from the beginning. from laughing with the workers and the other guys in line, to analyzing green poles and points it was all fun. he payed. i never know when to let people pay for me... we ate upstairs. of course...it was dirty, but that created a fitting atmosphere. i laughed a lot. i think dudley was having fun too...
we went into the mall and the cool shop was closed, so we walked under the ropes and past the signs that said not to. that was good.
then we walked all the way to the top on the strip, then started back on river road. i knew sooner or later we would up in the river, and we did. unfortunately, i was wearing shoes, and they had no grip so jumping on the rocks was a little difficult. oh well. then we sat. for a long time. in the river. and talked. we talked about all kinds of things.....a couple times i wondered what the lady on the balcony above us was thinking. then i wanted to laugh cause i knew that nothing she was thinking could've been right. lol
but it was cool. it was cool that i knew we would sit in the river, and then we did. it was cool that we sat on rocks with our feet in the water. it was cool that he took his shoes off. it was cool that we talked for an hour and it felt like minutes. it was cool that the water kept running. it was cool that we laughed at all the saem ridiculous things. it was cool that we could see some stars in the middle of gburg. maybe all that sounds normal, but it's not. it's very rare that i do things that i love and that the person i do them with does them with me. normally i get weird looks and "no - i'm not doing that"s. idk if it's normal for him or not.
then we climbed out. that part was fun. i'm so boring most of the time.
we walked some more. terrorized ducks. well...he did. i don't pick flowers or wake up sleeping ducks. but it was extra funny when he did it. you have no idea what i'm talking about, but i think that's totally ok. =)
then we walked some more. we walked past a girl crying and a guy being a jerk to her. that made dudley mad. we walked all the way to the bottom of gburg. and then we walked some more...off the road. because before we had been walking in the road. sometimes people came driving in our lane and we had to move, i didn't get it. they had 3 lanes, couldn't they leave our alone? losers.
so we walked to a fish hatchery and watched fish and talked about dudley's hat. i liked that cause i know he likes his hat.
we walked some more and saw some funny signs. on of them said "no fishing on thursday" which is about the funniest thing i've seen this month. (except maybe dudley's blog about what happened next...) maybe you had to be there. cause we laughed for like 5 minutes about that sign.
like i said, it's nice to be normal and not feel weird for it.
then we walked back. only we took a little different way, and this time instead of a nice gravel hill, there was a nice dirt and gravel cliff. we had fun getting up. i'm not even gonna try to write about it....it was dark, i got hit in the head with a rock. he got to the top. i almost fell, and he came back to help me. suffice to say that there were a few times i wondered what it was like to have 2 broken legs and a concussion. and maybe a broken back. k, that doesn't quite suffice. i will also say that i never would have gotten to the top without him. and when i was lying there on the face of that "cliff" hanging onto his hand to keep from falling who knows how far onto rock trying to figure out how it was all gonna work out, i picked my head up and looked at him and for a second it didn't matter how big of a drop it was, or how i was gonna get out of the royal pickle i was in. cause some things are worth it.
i've always thought that the destination is the journey. and i know from that split second of reality that it's true. regardless of how it ended, i had lived those moments with him, and that is what life is about.
and then somehow i was crawling and we were at the top. and i laughed. i think he might have as well. i didn't look back at what we'd climbed...i don't know why. i should've. i think i was too busy thinking that i wanted to do it again. =)
then we walked back.
saw another guy and his crying girlfriend.
that made me mad too.
but all good things have to end. and he had to leave. so i went back inside and watched a group of college kids play a game of something like musical chairs and thought. i thought a lot of thoughts. but mainly wondered what i was doing. here i am covered in dirt and feeling so dead. there are moments in life that make the rest of it worth living. but those are also the moments that make the rest of life seem like a shadow and not real life. i wanted to go back outside and never come back. i wondered why i had so much more fun with him than i have on my own. i wondered why i did things with him that i always want to do, and just don't when i'm by myself. still wondering... i asked myself why i am so boring. i asked myself why i don't have any other friends like him. still asking.
and i was also thinking that it was a good thing he lives in clemson and i live in cookeville. still thinking that.
after dudley left and i had thought enough to make most of the dirt hate me and fall off my jeans, i hung out and talked to kelso for a while. and we hung out til about 0300. finally i jumped into the shower after admiring the scrapes all down my torso and the bump on my temple and the bruise that was my felt knew. i slept pretty good that night. =)
i was the first one up the next day. i went and unlocked the van so that all my friends could put their stuff in it. then went and hung out for a while with whoever happened to be around, and then we had the last rally which was the "commitment" part. really just stating your response to all the truth you'd heard. i spent most of the time explaining to my crazy koreans what was happening.
then we broke up into small groups to share, and i pulled lizzy aside to talk to her. we talked for a while...about God and truth and surrender and all kinds of other things. i love it. there's nothing better than sharing living water with someone who is thirsty. nothing better. i don't know what God's gonna do...i haven't gotten to talk to her since, but i am praying, and i know God is working. that was an amazing way to end.
but it wasn't the end. i still had to say goodbye to kel, and take an international picture. once again, no one tried to tell me that i'm not international. (we all are if you think about it...just saying...) i love those guys.....i love pouring my life into them. i love sharing the gospel with them...i love driving them...i love teasing brandon with them...i love them teasing me...i love learning about their culture and themselves...i love trying to understand them...i love them calling me beth........i love how powerless i am to save them. i want them to know Jesus so bad, and he can do it. all i have to do is obey him, and he will do the rest. i love that the most.
after we were done taking pictures and saying goodbye we once again went and parked on the road. when we finally got to pf we met up with the rest of the crew for some mcallister's. gotta love the forge. that was fun though everyone was terribly tired. i took the back way all the way around pigeon forge but the road was pretty much a parking lot all the way to I-40. everyone fell asleep and i talked to my bro.
half way to cookeville i was pretty sure i would fall alseep cause sam had and everyone else had. so i called jo. :)
we stopped in crossville for gas and caffeine.
then we were all awake and having fun. laughing and listening to music. etc. when we got back to campus we had to say goodbye again. but i see them all the time now, so it's ok.
sam and i hit the road and headed back to hartsville to drop the van off and have a birthday party for mom.
so i guess that was the weekend. only i still have so many left-over thoughts.... thoughts about my relationship with God. thoughts about how i can be a better laborour in his harvest. thoughts about simon and lizzy and many others. and thoughts about my life.......what can i do to have more of those moments i live for?
how can i be so boring? i hate to think about it. i wish i took more risks. i wish i did more. but i don't. because i want someone to do them with...and i don't have anyone.
a weird realization for someone who loves being alone so much.
so overall, the weekend was amazing, and i would relive it in a heartbeat.
and i am trying to figure out what to do with all these extra thoughts in my head.
can you guess what looking at stars reminds me of?
Introduce yourself
well, i am bethany. beth for short...very few people actually call me that though even after they ask which i like better and i say "beth". *grin* oh well...
i am a freshman at tennessee technological university, right now my major is nursing. i plan to be here for at least 9 more semesters with the exception of the fall 2012 semester which i hope to spend studying abroad in south korea!! i have a lot of friends most of whom think i am a good friend. recently all of my time is spent in class, studying, with God, or with international students.
one of my biggest passions is diversity, whether that is different cultures from different countries, or different foods from different states.
i love thinking.
peter pan creamy peanut butter in my favorite food.
i was born in chicago, but i don't want to move back. i love where i am at right now, but hopefully some day i will get to move back to madison, wisconsin...i think that is my favorite place i have ever been.
i want to get married some day - some day a very long time from now. if i have kids they will most likely be adopted as i want a rainbow household and one person like me is enough in this world.
the most important thing about me is my relationship with God. i was lost. he found me. i was miserable and empty. he fills me up and makes me ecstatic. i can't stop loving him. he can't stop loving me. if you spend very much time with me at all you will probably notice that i love him...i love being with him, thinking about him, reading his thoughts to me, talking about him, and talking to him. i will talk about him to you sooner or later, don't be shocked. i don't care what you think about him. i don't care what you think about me for what i think about him... :)
(in fact, if you happen to think anything about me at all, thats fine. very few people do. but i really don't care. your opinion of me has the approximate wieght of a feather compared to the weight of the world in my mind.)
so that is a very few things about me. there's a lot more. but nothing else is coming to mind...haha
Your first love
when i was 17, i fell in love with a jerk. thankfully he left my life and all i had was an empty heart. about a year later, Jesus came and filled it. then i knew what it really meant to love. idk if that really answers the description they are asking for...not like it really matters.
Your parents
art and juanita. some other day i will write about them. for now, their names are sufficient.
What you ate today
oh i like this question!!!! i ate a gyro today!! did i mention that i love food? or that i love different kinds of food??? it wasn't the best gyro i've *ever* had, but it was the best gyro i've had since before i moved back from wisconsin... and i brownie.
Your definition of love
to borrow from the guy i'm in love with..."greater love has no man than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." he would know.
Your day
good. i love spending a morning with jo and then spending the rest of the day alone - with the expectation of seeing her again later. just about my fav kind of day!
Your best friend
jo.
where to start? jo is my other half. i can live without her, but i'd rather die. life without her is like pumpkin pie without sugar. (everyone should try it... it's the same color, the same consistancy, the same texture, the same temperature. it has a crust, the filling, the spices, and all the nostalgic value you can conjure up. but it's awful. it's familiar. but it's wrong. it's there. but you wish it wasn't.)
jo is fun, classy, beautiful, talented, smart, soft, deep, passionate, loving, challenging, encouraging, original, loyal, hard-working, honest, honorable, tough, thorough, sensitive, and OC.
i love her more than anyone else i have ever seen. she is the perfect compliment to me. there is nothing that will end our friendship though there is much that has and will continue to stretch, shift, and shape it.
i don't think i can imagine a more perfect best friend.
A moment
huh? i've lived a heck of a lot of those......somewhere over 10 million.
there are a few though that are burned into my memory.......i guess i'll share since we're on the topic of me...
moment 1. i am 5 years old sitting on the piano bench that is almost as tall as i am facing the rest of the room during family devotions one random saturday. i am sharing my dad's bible and it's my turn to read. my verse ends one page and begins another. additionally, the word runs over from one page to the next. as i finish my verse it dawns on me that i am 5 years old and i can read big words without help and with the interuption of turning a page. i think that's the first time i knew i was smart.
moment 2. i am 6 years old sitting on the floor in my brothers' room rolling a ball with them. mom walks in. she gets down on the floor and plays with us. to understand the meaning of this moment to me, you have to know that my mom has rheumatiod arthritis and that was the last time i remember her getting down on the floor with me.
moment 3. i am 7 years old walking around a field with my best friend. all afternoon. telling stories and being barefoot. that boy had an influence i underestimated......i still walk around fields barefoot, telling myself stories for lack of a better companion. :)
moment 4. i am 11 years old sitting outside a small church building in mezquital, mexico. it is dark and i am holding a flashlight in my mouth as i wash a cut on my foot. out of nowhere a brown hand takes the flashlight, sits down beside me and helps me wash it. i look into his eyes and barely can mumble "muchos gracias". i think it was more like a gasp. his eyes said it all. i would give almost anything to relive that moment with him.
moment 5. i am 14 years old standing in front of a mirror and thinking for the first time that i am fat. i hate that moment with a passion. i wonder, if i hadn't thought it then, would i not think it now?
moment 6. i am 16 years old standing in the middle of a dance floor. he is holding my left hand and as he slowly lets go, his fingers slide across the tips of mine. he holds just a little longer i know he's admiring the callouses i get when i play mandoline.
moment 7. i am 17 years old sitting on a bleacher half-heartedly watching a highschool football game. the lady sitting a few rows back is loud and obnoxious in her admiration of our team. everyone around us moves away and finally someone standing on the sideline in front of us sharply insults her by telling her that everyone is annoyed and has moved away because of that. totally unexpectedly, he stands up - leaving my side for the first time that fateful evening we first met - walks purposefully to where she is sitting trying to pick up her shattered face and sits down. then he looks into my eyes.
moment 8. i am 17 years old standing in my cold, kitchen lit only by an oil lamp. jo had just answered the phone and sat down in a chair to talk. she hang up the phone, walks to where i am standing, puts her arms around me as if that could shield me from her dreadful news, finally wispers "it's jesse".
moment 9. i am 17 years old sitting at my mom's computer looking at pictures of the guys i am in love with reveling in his new girlfriend. probably the second best thing that has ever happened to me.
moment 10. i am 18 years old standing at the door of room 208 in the jere whitson building where 2 females and 20 males stare at me as if i was the abominable snowwoman. i doubt she could've looked worse. i was soaked to the skin, the raindrops hiding the tears that i couldn't keep from rolling down my face. makeup smeared, no books, 18 and so confused. such was my introduction to my emt class. epic.
moment 11. i am 18 years old standing next to a bed on wheels in an emergency room changing the bandages on a poor 8-year-old's 2nd and 3rd degree burns when they wheel another bed past. he is yellow and purple. his chest is a cavity. his heart is still beating - they are pumping it for him. he is dead.
moment 12. i am 18 years old sitting in the storage-room-turned-make-shift-bedroom in my parents' house miserable and anxious. jo looks at me with the most serious face i have ever seen on her face and says 2 sentences that changed my life, "you have to listen to me. are you going to?" "mmmh." "......you have to stop thinking about what anyone else says and only think about God. what he wants." with that she turned around and walked down the stairs. less than 5 minutes later my life was his. no more misery. no more anxiety. YAY!
moment 13. i am 19 years old standing in the sanctuary in washington avenue baptist church. we hold hands for the closing prayer. something in that hand felt right........
moment 14. i am 19 years old sitting on a blue bed looking at pictures of disney world, only i'm not looking at the picture on the screen...i'm looking at the picture in the screen. me and him having a ball just being together. then he looked into my computer eyes and we smiled.
moment 15. i am 20 years old lying face-down an a dirt and gravel mini-cliff. if i fall i will be hurt. if i move i will fall. arms and legs spread as far apart as possible in an attempt to generate more friction i almost laugh at how ridiculous i must look... he is above me and as he reaches for and holds onto my hand to help me up i look at him and think, "this is the life". there was something right in that moment.
15 of the most memorable moments in my life to date...
Your beliefs
i believe in fairies. i believe that nature is alive. i believe that some day i will see my Jesus.
i think that about covers it.
What you wore today
i like this one......from the top.
loooong hair that i am about to braid in lots of cute little braids.
my "saturday shirt"...it's black and in silver writing it says "save a horse...ride a cowboy".
jeans that i cut up and made into bell-bottoms with fleece material.
star socks.
my cool painted shoes.
a ttu purple hair band.
my new zealand necklace.
star earings.
my "class ring".
pink nail polish.
haedphones.
a cubic zirconium stud.
and no makeup. (i'm still wearing all of that, btw)
Your siblings
are awesome!!!!! my sisters are my best friends, and my brothers are the coolest guys i know. some of them are old and married and parents. but they are the better for it. the rest of us are awesomely crazy.
the jellos will rock you!!
What's in your bag
my bible.
my notebook.
my paper file.
nyc flyers.
a study abroad info postcard.
2 pencils.
and eraser.
a flashdrive.
and a knife.
This week
was so long. but i made it through. duh.
Your dreams
to never grow up.
to learn as many different languages as possible.
to fall in love with a guy who loves me at least as much.
to marry said guy.
to live all over the world.
to move back to madison.
to be an artist.
to somehow make nature communicate with me the way i know it can.
to never have to have a boring job.
to be influencial.
Your first kiss
will be pretty epic. i hope.
Your favourite memory
haha...don't have one.
the time i spent in cookeville during the one week of play rehearsals in august 2006 for i am dreaming of america was one of the best weeks of my life.
the 2 summers i spent in pigeon forge were both life-changing and amazing. also crazy and very hard. but i love them.
cliff-jumping right at the end of both those summers is awesome.
prom with jj is a memory i love.
falling alseep with my baby caed in my arms - asleep - was lovely. though i got an terrible neck cramp... haha
the first night i met dirk was fun, exciting, weird, uncomfortable, and the end of my life as i knew it. life-changing i guess you could say.
mexico in july of 2001 was also life-changing. i loved it and ever since then i have had a desire to know the world...
williamsburg in may of 2008 with all my awesome girly classmates was super duper fun and memorable.
gatlinburg last weekend.....we will see what kind of lasting affects that has in my life.
Your favourite birthday
13 when i got K or this year in wisconsin...my brithdays are not days i really celebrate so nothing really stands out...
Something you regret
everything i have been through has brought me to where i am and i love where i am. i really wouldn't change any of it. i don't regret any of it. even a little bit.
This month
is going by very fast. is fall. has 31 days.
Another moment
uhmm...no
Something that upsets you
litter
lying
inequality
guys
prejudice
generalizations
things i can't understand that i should be able to (algebra...)
Something that makes you feel better
God
jo
music
food
guys
NATURE
Something that makes you cry
pain
death
people
A first
i try to do something new every day.....check out my other blog: bethanypinzur.blogspot.com
Your fears
sometimes i am a little afraid of water because i can't really swim.
i am afraid of people, though you wouldn't know. because i am almost not afraid of you anymore.
intimacy and commitment. hopefully that will come though......
Your favourite place
nature
Something that you miss
the freedom i had while i lived with es and peej. and a lot of other things i had while i was there...
Your aspirations
how do these differ from my dreams? are these supposed to be the things i am actually working toward? cause i am working toward my dreams........ *shrug*
One last moment
mexico again. lying outside my tent on a very hard sleeping bag (or was it the groud that was hard?) looking up at the most amazing stars i have ever seen. watching my first shooting star float across my consciousness. and thinking about francisco.
well, i am bethany. beth for short...very few people actually call me that though even after they ask which i like better and i say "beth". *grin* oh well...
i am a freshman at tennessee technological university, right now my major is nursing. i plan to be here for at least 9 more semesters with the exception of the fall 2012 semester which i hope to spend studying abroad in south korea!! i have a lot of friends most of whom think i am a good friend. recently all of my time is spent in class, studying, with God, or with international students.
one of my biggest passions is diversity, whether that is different cultures from different countries, or different foods from different states.
i love thinking.
peter pan creamy peanut butter in my favorite food.
i was born in chicago, but i don't want to move back. i love where i am at right now, but hopefully some day i will get to move back to madison, wisconsin...i think that is my favorite place i have ever been.
i want to get married some day - some day a very long time from now. if i have kids they will most likely be adopted as i want a rainbow household and one person like me is enough in this world.
the most important thing about me is my relationship with God. i was lost. he found me. i was miserable and empty. he fills me up and makes me ecstatic. i can't stop loving him. he can't stop loving me. if you spend very much time with me at all you will probably notice that i love him...i love being with him, thinking about him, reading his thoughts to me, talking about him, and talking to him. i will talk about him to you sooner or later, don't be shocked. i don't care what you think about him. i don't care what you think about me for what i think about him... :)
(in fact, if you happen to think anything about me at all, thats fine. very few people do. but i really don't care. your opinion of me has the approximate wieght of a feather compared to the weight of the world in my mind.)
so that is a very few things about me. there's a lot more. but nothing else is coming to mind...haha
Your first love
when i was 17, i fell in love with a jerk. thankfully he left my life and all i had was an empty heart. about a year later, Jesus came and filled it. then i knew what it really meant to love. idk if that really answers the description they are asking for...not like it really matters.
Your parents
art and juanita. some other day i will write about them. for now, their names are sufficient.
What you ate today
oh i like this question!!!! i ate a gyro today!! did i mention that i love food? or that i love different kinds of food??? it wasn't the best gyro i've *ever* had, but it was the best gyro i've had since before i moved back from wisconsin... and i brownie.
Your definition of love
to borrow from the guy i'm in love with..."greater love has no man than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." he would know.
Your day
good. i love spending a morning with jo and then spending the rest of the day alone - with the expectation of seeing her again later. just about my fav kind of day!
Your best friend
jo.
where to start? jo is my other half. i can live without her, but i'd rather die. life without her is like pumpkin pie without sugar. (everyone should try it... it's the same color, the same consistancy, the same texture, the same temperature. it has a crust, the filling, the spices, and all the nostalgic value you can conjure up. but it's awful. it's familiar. but it's wrong. it's there. but you wish it wasn't.)
jo is fun, classy, beautiful, talented, smart, soft, deep, passionate, loving, challenging, encouraging, original, loyal, hard-working, honest, honorable, tough, thorough, sensitive, and OC.
i love her more than anyone else i have ever seen. she is the perfect compliment to me. there is nothing that will end our friendship though there is much that has and will continue to stretch, shift, and shape it.
i don't think i can imagine a more perfect best friend.
A moment
huh? i've lived a heck of a lot of those......somewhere over 10 million.
there are a few though that are burned into my memory.......i guess i'll share since we're on the topic of me...
moment 1. i am 5 years old sitting on the piano bench that is almost as tall as i am facing the rest of the room during family devotions one random saturday. i am sharing my dad's bible and it's my turn to read. my verse ends one page and begins another. additionally, the word runs over from one page to the next. as i finish my verse it dawns on me that i am 5 years old and i can read big words without help and with the interuption of turning a page. i think that's the first time i knew i was smart.
moment 2. i am 6 years old sitting on the floor in my brothers' room rolling a ball with them. mom walks in. she gets down on the floor and plays with us. to understand the meaning of this moment to me, you have to know that my mom has rheumatiod arthritis and that was the last time i remember her getting down on the floor with me.
moment 3. i am 7 years old walking around a field with my best friend. all afternoon. telling stories and being barefoot. that boy had an influence i underestimated......i still walk around fields barefoot, telling myself stories for lack of a better companion. :)
moment 4. i am 11 years old sitting outside a small church building in mezquital, mexico. it is dark and i am holding a flashlight in my mouth as i wash a cut on my foot. out of nowhere a brown hand takes the flashlight, sits down beside me and helps me wash it. i look into his eyes and barely can mumble "muchos gracias". i think it was more like a gasp. his eyes said it all. i would give almost anything to relive that moment with him.
moment 5. i am 14 years old standing in front of a mirror and thinking for the first time that i am fat. i hate that moment with a passion. i wonder, if i hadn't thought it then, would i not think it now?
moment 6. i am 16 years old standing in the middle of a dance floor. he is holding my left hand and as he slowly lets go, his fingers slide across the tips of mine. he holds just a little longer i know he's admiring the callouses i get when i play mandoline.
moment 7. i am 17 years old sitting on a bleacher half-heartedly watching a highschool football game. the lady sitting a few rows back is loud and obnoxious in her admiration of our team. everyone around us moves away and finally someone standing on the sideline in front of us sharply insults her by telling her that everyone is annoyed and has moved away because of that. totally unexpectedly, he stands up - leaving my side for the first time that fateful evening we first met - walks purposefully to where she is sitting trying to pick up her shattered face and sits down. then he looks into my eyes.
moment 8. i am 17 years old standing in my cold, kitchen lit only by an oil lamp. jo had just answered the phone and sat down in a chair to talk. she hang up the phone, walks to where i am standing, puts her arms around me as if that could shield me from her dreadful news, finally wispers "it's jesse".
moment 9. i am 17 years old sitting at my mom's computer looking at pictures of the guys i am in love with reveling in his new girlfriend. probably the second best thing that has ever happened to me.
moment 10. i am 18 years old standing at the door of room 208 in the jere whitson building where 2 females and 20 males stare at me as if i was the abominable snowwoman. i doubt she could've looked worse. i was soaked to the skin, the raindrops hiding the tears that i couldn't keep from rolling down my face. makeup smeared, no books, 18 and so confused. such was my introduction to my emt class. epic.
moment 11. i am 18 years old standing next to a bed on wheels in an emergency room changing the bandages on a poor 8-year-old's 2nd and 3rd degree burns when they wheel another bed past. he is yellow and purple. his chest is a cavity. his heart is still beating - they are pumping it for him. he is dead.
moment 12. i am 18 years old sitting in the storage-room-turned-make-shift-bedroom in my parents' house miserable and anxious. jo looks at me with the most serious face i have ever seen on her face and says 2 sentences that changed my life, "you have to listen to me. are you going to?" "mmmh." "......you have to stop thinking about what anyone else says and only think about God. what he wants." with that she turned around and walked down the stairs. less than 5 minutes later my life was his. no more misery. no more anxiety. YAY!
moment 13. i am 19 years old standing in the sanctuary in washington avenue baptist church. we hold hands for the closing prayer. something in that hand felt right........
moment 14. i am 19 years old sitting on a blue bed looking at pictures of disney world, only i'm not looking at the picture on the screen...i'm looking at the picture in the screen. me and him having a ball just being together. then he looked into my computer eyes and we smiled.
moment 15. i am 20 years old lying face-down an a dirt and gravel mini-cliff. if i fall i will be hurt. if i move i will fall. arms and legs spread as far apart as possible in an attempt to generate more friction i almost laugh at how ridiculous i must look... he is above me and as he reaches for and holds onto my hand to help me up i look at him and think, "this is the life". there was something right in that moment.
15 of the most memorable moments in my life to date...
Your beliefs
i believe in fairies. i believe that nature is alive. i believe that some day i will see my Jesus.
i think that about covers it.
What you wore today
i like this one......from the top.
loooong hair that i am about to braid in lots of cute little braids.
my "saturday shirt"...it's black and in silver writing it says "save a horse...ride a cowboy".
jeans that i cut up and made into bell-bottoms with fleece material.
star socks.
my cool painted shoes.
a ttu purple hair band.
my new zealand necklace.
star earings.
my "class ring".
pink nail polish.
haedphones.
a cubic zirconium stud.
and no makeup. (i'm still wearing all of that, btw)
Your siblings
are awesome!!!!! my sisters are my best friends, and my brothers are the coolest guys i know. some of them are old and married and parents. but they are the better for it. the rest of us are awesomely crazy.
the jellos will rock you!!
What's in your bag
my bible.
my notebook.
my paper file.
nyc flyers.
a study abroad info postcard.
2 pencils.
and eraser.
a flashdrive.
and a knife.
This week
was so long. but i made it through. duh.
Your dreams
to never grow up.
to learn as many different languages as possible.
to fall in love with a guy who loves me at least as much.
to marry said guy.
to live all over the world.
to move back to madison.
to be an artist.
to somehow make nature communicate with me the way i know it can.
to never have to have a boring job.
to be influencial.
Your first kiss
will be pretty epic. i hope.
Your favourite memory
haha...don't have one.
the time i spent in cookeville during the one week of play rehearsals in august 2006 for i am dreaming of america was one of the best weeks of my life.
the 2 summers i spent in pigeon forge were both life-changing and amazing. also crazy and very hard. but i love them.
cliff-jumping right at the end of both those summers is awesome.
prom with jj is a memory i love.
falling alseep with my baby caed in my arms - asleep - was lovely. though i got an terrible neck cramp... haha
the first night i met dirk was fun, exciting, weird, uncomfortable, and the end of my life as i knew it. life-changing i guess you could say.
mexico in july of 2001 was also life-changing. i loved it and ever since then i have had a desire to know the world...
williamsburg in may of 2008 with all my awesome girly classmates was super duper fun and memorable.
gatlinburg last weekend.....we will see what kind of lasting affects that has in my life.
Your favourite birthday
13 when i got K or this year in wisconsin...my brithdays are not days i really celebrate so nothing really stands out...
Something you regret
everything i have been through has brought me to where i am and i love where i am. i really wouldn't change any of it. i don't regret any of it. even a little bit.
This month
is going by very fast. is fall. has 31 days.
Another moment
uhmm...no
Something that upsets you
litter
lying
inequality
guys
prejudice
generalizations
things i can't understand that i should be able to (algebra...)
Something that makes you feel better
God
jo
music
food
guys
NATURE
Something that makes you cry
pain
death
people
A first
i try to do something new every day.....check out my other blog: bethanypinzur.blogspot.com
Your fears
sometimes i am a little afraid of water because i can't really swim.
i am afraid of people, though you wouldn't know. because i am almost not afraid of you anymore.
intimacy and commitment. hopefully that will come though......
Your favourite place
nature
Something that you miss
the freedom i had while i lived with es and peej. and a lot of other things i had while i was there...
Your aspirations
how do these differ from my dreams? are these supposed to be the things i am actually working toward? cause i am working toward my dreams........ *shrug*
One last moment
mexico again. lying outside my tent on a very hard sleeping bag (or was it the groud that was hard?) looking up at the most amazing stars i have ever seen. watching my first shooting star float across my consciousness. and thinking about francisco.
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