i have a fear of disappointing people. i don't fear that i will do it, i know i will. i don't fear that it will hurt the person or people who i disappoint. i know it will. it's just this vague fear.....
it drives me to spend time trying to distance people so that they won't excpet too much, and if they do, i will be less hurt by their hurt because of the distance.
it drives me to give up on things i enjoy and excel in because all-too-soon people start noticing and expecting more and better. and i don't want to disappoint.
it's not that i can't live up to people's expectations. often, i believe i could surpass them. but even more often, i simply don't want to. i don't want to excel in everything i could excel in. i have my own desires and my own ideals, and very often they do not coincide with anyone else's, leading me to give up on things i could do to try the next thing that catches my fancy. leaving the people who had big expectations for me to disappointment and confusion.
so why?
why do i have this intense fear of expectations and disappointing people?
...because it brings to startlingly painful relief the inadequacy i have been running from for the last 4 years.
i will never be good enough. i will never be enough. i will never be what was expected. i can never be what was expected. i am someone else.
parents, the people who we all have a craving to please often, and naturally, have expectations, ideas, hopes, and dreams of who their children will be. no wonder that they train their children the way they do. but no parent who trains their child to think for themselves can fully expect that child to think exactly like they do. but in our own ways, we all think we are right. so a parent trains his child to think, and assumes that the child will, given time, learn to think the same way he does. is it not then, a failure in the parent's eyes to see his child take a different path, a different worldview, a different religion, a different life-style?
all children can see that this is not right. all parents know that it is human.
but the child who was raised to think for herself, must think for herself.
must choose her own path. must chosoe her own worldview. must choose her own religion. must choose her own life-style.
yet somehow, to be a disappointment to the people who made her, raised her, and taught her to think, is almost too painful to consider.
4 years ago, without even thinking about it, i began to make my own deicisions regarding the things that i considered important. subtly at first, and then mor obviously, these decisions began to show the widening differences between me and my parents. i was mad at them, they were hurt by me. somewhere along the way my anger turned into mistrust. mistrust of everything they had taught me - except to think for myself. and i felt that their hurt had turned into disappointment.
now, i feel it haunting me everywhere i go.
is it real? are they truly disappointed in me? would they admit it if they were? would they be even more disappointed if they knew me better?
i try to not think about it. i try to truly think for myself. i try to live they way i think is the best way for me to live.
but at every step, at every turn in the path i've chosen, i know i am not the person they wanted me to be. i have failed them. i have disappointed them.
i never meant to...
i didn't try to disagree. i didn't try to be someone else. i simply am. WHO I AM, is a disappointment to the 2 people i am hardwired to respect and long to please.
there is no one else in the world who i can feel the same way about as i feel about my parents, so there is no one else who it bothers me quite so much to disappoint. but every time i see the look of hurt, confusion, or disappointment, all i can think is: "THIS IS WHO I AM. i hurt people. i disappoint people. WHO I AM is a failure."
kinda sucks.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
time questions....
"what is a legitimate use of time?"
i am pretty sure that the answer to this question is a varied as the people you would try to apply it to. something that may be legitimate for me to do, might be a total waste of time for someone else. and it works the other way... someone might spend 2 hours at the gym working out which for me would be a very silly thing to do because i have no reason to spend 2 hours in the gym, and i wouldn't enjoy it. so i guess that kinda answers my question: if it is needful or enjoyable. i guess that is what i think of as legitimate...
"what does it mean to waste time?"
...would be the opposite. for me to spend an hour thinking about meaning and purpose is not a waste of time, but to someone else, it might be. once again, there is no specific answer...
i am pretty sure that the answer to this question is a varied as the people you would try to apply it to. something that may be legitimate for me to do, might be a total waste of time for someone else. and it works the other way... someone might spend 2 hours at the gym working out which for me would be a very silly thing to do because i have no reason to spend 2 hours in the gym, and i wouldn't enjoy it. so i guess that kinda answers my question: if it is needful or enjoyable. i guess that is what i think of as legitimate...
"what does it mean to waste time?"
...would be the opposite. for me to spend an hour thinking about meaning and purpose is not a waste of time, but to someone else, it might be. once again, there is no specific answer...
guy questions......
"how can i go through life having so few crushes?"
well, because i am too rational to have crushes. i think about guys, i think about liking guys, and sometimes i feel like i do. but then it's gone. leaving nothing in my heart, nothing in my life, nothing in my past. there have been 3 guys in my whole life who i ever liked. when i think about a guy, there's not the question of whether or not i do like him, as much as if i could like him. there are plenty of guys i think i could like, but i never like them enough to try anything, and i am always inclined to think that no matter how much i like a guy, i probably couldn't fall in love with him anyway - that would take a very special guy...i've only been in love once...so, nothng happens.
it works out i suppose. i have very little drama in my life. but i also tend to be kinda lonely and i always end up wondering if something could've happened if i'd decided to at least give it a shot. i am still very much in the middle of thinking through all of this. do i try and risk hurting myself and/or him? or do i keep on playing it safe and enjoy the life i have? for now it is a non-issue because there aren't any guys in my life who i am tempted to try anything with, but we will see what the future (the fall semester...) brings.
"what would have happened if i'd been a little more aware of what was going on with him? is there still a chance for us? ....and WHY do i care? why would i even want him after everything...?"
all i can say to the first question is a Narnia quote, "no one is ever told what would've happened." i will never know, no one will. it doesn't matter. but it did show me that in the future i should be a little more in-tune the vibes a guy is giving, and the vibe i am giving. looking back, i never thought he would've been interested, and even now, i think it strange. but the signs were there - i just refused to even consider them. i didn't want to think he would care because then i risked disappointment if he ended up uninterested. so i missed out on the reality of him actually wanting something. so there is no way to know what would've happened if i'd thought more realistically about the situation, but it certainly inspires me to be a little more thoughtful if i am ever in a similar situation... is there still a achance? logically, of course there is. as long as we are in each other's lives, there is a chance. realistically, no. i said no once, and while it was something of a rash question for our level of interaction, who wants to risk rejection twice? (i don't even want to risk it once...) the question he asked seemed legitimate to him at the time, and with hindsight, i understand why and think he had every right to ask what he did. but i said no. so now any question, no matter how justifiable it may seem to either one of us, can only be assumed to be denied. so logically, there is a chance. but logically, it won't happen. and why do i care... why do i care about anything? i will never know that. but safe to say that he is one guy who i not only feel i could like, but i guy who i would like to try liking to see if it could be something special.
well, because i am too rational to have crushes. i think about guys, i think about liking guys, and sometimes i feel like i do. but then it's gone. leaving nothing in my heart, nothing in my life, nothing in my past. there have been 3 guys in my whole life who i ever liked. when i think about a guy, there's not the question of whether or not i do like him, as much as if i could like him. there are plenty of guys i think i could like, but i never like them enough to try anything, and i am always inclined to think that no matter how much i like a guy, i probably couldn't fall in love with him anyway - that would take a very special guy...i've only been in love once...so, nothng happens.
it works out i suppose. i have very little drama in my life. but i also tend to be kinda lonely and i always end up wondering if something could've happened if i'd decided to at least give it a shot. i am still very much in the middle of thinking through all of this. do i try and risk hurting myself and/or him? or do i keep on playing it safe and enjoy the life i have? for now it is a non-issue because there aren't any guys in my life who i am tempted to try anything with, but we will see what the future (the fall semester...) brings.
"what would have happened if i'd been a little more aware of what was going on with him? is there still a chance for us? ....and WHY do i care? why would i even want him after everything...?"
all i can say to the first question is a Narnia quote, "no one is ever told what would've happened." i will never know, no one will. it doesn't matter. but it did show me that in the future i should be a little more in-tune the vibes a guy is giving, and the vibe i am giving. looking back, i never thought he would've been interested, and even now, i think it strange. but the signs were there - i just refused to even consider them. i didn't want to think he would care because then i risked disappointment if he ended up uninterested. so i missed out on the reality of him actually wanting something. so there is no way to know what would've happened if i'd thought more realistically about the situation, but it certainly inspires me to be a little more thoughtful if i am ever in a similar situation... is there still a achance? logically, of course there is. as long as we are in each other's lives, there is a chance. realistically, no. i said no once, and while it was something of a rash question for our level of interaction, who wants to risk rejection twice? (i don't even want to risk it once...) the question he asked seemed legitimate to him at the time, and with hindsight, i understand why and think he had every right to ask what he did. but i said no. so now any question, no matter how justifiable it may seem to either one of us, can only be assumed to be denied. so logically, there is a chance. but logically, it won't happen. and why do i care... why do i care about anything? i will never know that. but safe to say that he is one guy who i not only feel i could like, but i guy who i would like to try liking to see if it could be something special.
so first, friendship......
"why do i like a few people so very much and why do i feel like i only like those people when in reality there are plenty of other people who i like?"
there are, i think, 5 types of people in my life: 1) people i know, all of them who i like in a general sort of way. i will go out of my way to spend time with someone even if i don't know them in the least just to get to know a little more about them and i little more about the world. people who i care about simply because they are people. 2) people who i am friends with. people i will remember and talk to every time i see them, people who i care about because our lives consistently touch and affect each others'. 3) people who have influence in my life. people with whom i have spent enough time to know plenty about and to be able to predict and interpret what they say and do, and people who know me in the same way. i talk to these people to greater and lesser extents depending on how long we know each other, how often we see each other, and how interested we are in getting closer. people i care about because they are semi-permanent in my life. 4) people who i acknowledge that i like. this is a very broad range of people from some of my "best friends" to people i have hardly met. this "liking" is not always to the same extent but it only seems to have a low correlation with the length of time i've known someone, the amount of time i spend with them, what we have in common, or any other variable that i can think of. these are the people i feel the most that i like because i can't think of any reason why i like them. 5) my family. people i care about because i can't not care about them. people i care about because we have spent so much time together. people i care about because i won't lose them in any way except death. people i care about because i've never wanted to not care about them.
then there are the people who are somewhere inbetween. or some of both. we all of those...
and then there's jo. but that is a different story entirely and never will anyone mean what she means to me. i hope at some point to have a different best friend, and only then will i be able to start understanding what he will mean to me.
so maybe i should stop telling myself that i don't care about people. because i do care about people even if it is in a more rational way than most people think of as "caring". and even if there are big differences in the ways i care about different people.
"why are some people so much easier to forget than others? consciously or unconsciously..."
well, the short answer is, types 1 and 2 i forget without even realizing that i've forgotten. type 3 i think of from time to time and there is either a feeling of pleasure at the memory because the friendship could be renewed easily, or there is a feeling of pain because the friendship is gone. obviously, if someone gets to type 4 i will never forget them, though i can go for day or weeks without thinking of them. type 5, well.....i don't think i ever forget anything about my family except birthdays... :o
"why do some friendships feel so real and others i feel like i am making up?"
this one, well. i have no answer. i have an idea, but it's only a rough idea. i think it might be that the people who are type 4, i always am very excited to meet one, but it always feels a little too good to be true, so when we aren't together i feel like i was probably making up how much i liked them, and i am certainly making up that they liked me... this usually lasts until we get to be good friends, until we've stayed friends/aquaintances for a good amount of time, or we never get close and quickly leave each other's lives.
"what causes a frienship to end, and how should i feel about it?"
well, in my life there have been several different things that have ended my friendships. death. dishonesty. distance. time. laziness. and either "breaking up" or the guy wanting "more than friends" and being unwilling to keep up the friendship after rejection. most of these, while they can be painful at the time, are also natural. death feels like a very unnatural way for a friendship to end because it is 100% irreparable, unlike the other ways, but it is, in fact, the most natural. dishonesty is not natural and no friendship should end that way. distance is one that we all like to think shouldn't end a friendship, and often it doesn't, but it will always change it, so while it may not completely end a friendship it will end the friendship as it has been so far. time...this one is tough. what would make time end a friendship? well...probably laziness. people change and if i am lazy about staying in touch with my friends through the change, the friendship will be very different if it doesn't end, because the people involved will be different. and i don't really care to think about the last one. it is stupid if natural and expected.
"how can i go on making friends in a world where there is so much change and everyone seems to leave sooner or later?"
only one solution. decide that it's worth the pain. live for the now instead of living in the memories of the past or the dread of the future. nothing lasts forever, so take what the moment gives you and let the rest of the moments that make up your life take care of themselves. i wish i was better at living this one...
there are, i think, 5 types of people in my life: 1) people i know, all of them who i like in a general sort of way. i will go out of my way to spend time with someone even if i don't know them in the least just to get to know a little more about them and i little more about the world. people who i care about simply because they are people. 2) people who i am friends with. people i will remember and talk to every time i see them, people who i care about because our lives consistently touch and affect each others'. 3) people who have influence in my life. people with whom i have spent enough time to know plenty about and to be able to predict and interpret what they say and do, and people who know me in the same way. i talk to these people to greater and lesser extents depending on how long we know each other, how often we see each other, and how interested we are in getting closer. people i care about because they are semi-permanent in my life. 4) people who i acknowledge that i like. this is a very broad range of people from some of my "best friends" to people i have hardly met. this "liking" is not always to the same extent but it only seems to have a low correlation with the length of time i've known someone, the amount of time i spend with them, what we have in common, or any other variable that i can think of. these are the people i feel the most that i like because i can't think of any reason why i like them. 5) my family. people i care about because i can't not care about them. people i care about because we have spent so much time together. people i care about because i won't lose them in any way except death. people i care about because i've never wanted to not care about them.
then there are the people who are somewhere inbetween. or some of both. we all of those...
and then there's jo. but that is a different story entirely and never will anyone mean what she means to me. i hope at some point to have a different best friend, and only then will i be able to start understanding what he will mean to me.
so maybe i should stop telling myself that i don't care about people. because i do care about people even if it is in a more rational way than most people think of as "caring". and even if there are big differences in the ways i care about different people.
"why are some people so much easier to forget than others? consciously or unconsciously..."
well, the short answer is, types 1 and 2 i forget without even realizing that i've forgotten. type 3 i think of from time to time and there is either a feeling of pleasure at the memory because the friendship could be renewed easily, or there is a feeling of pain because the friendship is gone. obviously, if someone gets to type 4 i will never forget them, though i can go for day or weeks without thinking of them. type 5, well.....i don't think i ever forget anything about my family except birthdays... :o
"why do some friendships feel so real and others i feel like i am making up?"
this one, well. i have no answer. i have an idea, but it's only a rough idea. i think it might be that the people who are type 4, i always am very excited to meet one, but it always feels a little too good to be true, so when we aren't together i feel like i was probably making up how much i liked them, and i am certainly making up that they liked me... this usually lasts until we get to be good friends, until we've stayed friends/aquaintances for a good amount of time, or we never get close and quickly leave each other's lives.
"what causes a frienship to end, and how should i feel about it?"
well, in my life there have been several different things that have ended my friendships. death. dishonesty. distance. time. laziness. and either "breaking up" or the guy wanting "more than friends" and being unwilling to keep up the friendship after rejection. most of these, while they can be painful at the time, are also natural. death feels like a very unnatural way for a friendship to end because it is 100% irreparable, unlike the other ways, but it is, in fact, the most natural. dishonesty is not natural and no friendship should end that way. distance is one that we all like to think shouldn't end a friendship, and often it doesn't, but it will always change it, so while it may not completely end a friendship it will end the friendship as it has been so far. time...this one is tough. what would make time end a friendship? well...probably laziness. people change and if i am lazy about staying in touch with my friends through the change, the friendship will be very different if it doesn't end, because the people involved will be different. and i don't really care to think about the last one. it is stupid if natural and expected.
"how can i go on making friends in a world where there is so much change and everyone seems to leave sooner or later?"
only one solution. decide that it's worth the pain. live for the now instead of living in the memories of the past or the dread of the future. nothing lasts forever, so take what the moment gives you and let the rest of the moments that make up your life take care of themselves. i wish i was better at living this one...
questions
i've had plenty of time to sit and think and wonder over the last couple weeks. which was the plan - to the extent that i plan anything. there have been plenty of thoughts in my head, and the biggest thing that i am thinking about is friendships. questions such as, "why do i like a few people so very much and why do i feel like i only like those people when in reality there are plenty of other people who i like?" "why are some people so much easier to forget than others? consciously or unconsciously..." "why do some friendhips feel so real and others i feel like i am making up?" "what causes a frienship to end, and how should i feel about it?" "how can i go on making friends in a world where there is so much change and everyone seems to leave sooner or later?" other things on my mind include guy questions... "how can i go through having so few crushes?" "what would have happened if i'd been a little more aware of what was going on with him? is there still a chance for us? ....and WHY do i care? why would i even want him after everything...?" time questions... "what is a legitimate use of time?" "what does it mean to waste time?" religion questions...i'm not ready to go into those... and lastly, questions of purpose... "what is the purpose of purpose?"
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
strange
how fast someone can change given the right circumstances.
it bothers mewhen people don't know who i am, but that, i think, is a little hypocrytical. because i never even know who i am. as soon as i think i've got it figured out and stop thinking about it, something happens to challenge me and all-of-a-sudden i am once again confused. so if i have no idea who i am, how can i expect anyone else to know? i can't. so i will stop. and that means that i will have to stop caring about the fact that people don't know ho i really am. shouldn't be hard, should it? but it is.
also strange, i never regret anything about my life, but i do regret that i write about it. i am always a little ashamed when i read what i've written. because half of the time it no longer represents the way i think. but what's wrong with that? i am simply chronicling where i've been, not where i am currently am.
so where am i currently? ...when i care enough to figure it out, i might update.
it bothers mewhen people don't know who i am, but that, i think, is a little hypocrytical. because i never even know who i am. as soon as i think i've got it figured out and stop thinking about it, something happens to challenge me and all-of-a-sudden i am once again confused. so if i have no idea who i am, how can i expect anyone else to know? i can't. so i will stop. and that means that i will have to stop caring about the fact that people don't know ho i really am. shouldn't be hard, should it? but it is.
also strange, i never regret anything about my life, but i do regret that i write about it. i am always a little ashamed when i read what i've written. because half of the time it no longer represents the way i think. but what's wrong with that? i am simply chronicling where i've been, not where i am currently am.
so where am i currently? ...when i care enough to figure it out, i might update.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
tired (and scared)
so naturally, my mind is full.
full of fear.
but why? where did it come from? there was a time in my life when i would've said that i wasn't scared of anything. now? now i am scared of everything. fear dictates everything i do, and especially everything i don't do. i say "no" out of habit, to almost any question that's asked me. and it's all because of fear.
i wish i could point to one specific time when the fear first started. maybe it's always been here, but i'm just now starting to feel its effects. or maybe when i was young, i was never challenged, so there truly was no fear.
...but somewhere along the way, fear began to tell me that i should stay away from any situation that i couldn't be in total control of. fear began to tell me that i should hide who i really am cause otherwise i wouldn't "fit". fear began to tell me that i would never measure up. fear began to tell me that i had to keep distance- mental, emotional, and physical, cause otherwise, people might find out that i'm flawed. fear began to tell me that it's better to be safe than sorry.
so here i've been attempting to stay safe and instead i am incredibly sorry.
ironic, don't you think?
all those quotes... "better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." "if you never try you'll never know." "just do it." i always wanted them to inspire me, but i think instead they just scared me.
the most recent was this, "now could be the time to change that." but the difference was that instead of some lame quote on a facebook quote wall or a t-shirt, it was a real person. a real person that i desperately wanted to say "yes" to, but instead i said no. why? cause i wanted to say no? cause i thought it was right to say no? NO! all because i was too damn scared to say yes! granted, the fears were legitimate fears, but what was i thinking? i KNOW what happens when i say no! it's what i've done my whole life. i only have those fears cause i've never faced them. i have no idea what would've happened if i'd said yes- and now i've lost my chance.
i never try, so i never know.
but how to change?
that chance is gone...that's a chance i actually wanted, but i have to let it go. sigh.... what other chances can i take? there's a reason i don't have many chances anymore: i've chosen so many safe paths that now the chances are few and far between. and when they do come, well. i'm scared and so slow...it takes patience to get to me, and most chances only come along once in life. so i let them go, and they let me go.
so how to change?
i will face my fears. it will take such a torturously long time, but i will do it. so please, give me one more chance...!
full of fear.
but why? where did it come from? there was a time in my life when i would've said that i wasn't scared of anything. now? now i am scared of everything. fear dictates everything i do, and especially everything i don't do. i say "no" out of habit, to almost any question that's asked me. and it's all because of fear.
i wish i could point to one specific time when the fear first started. maybe it's always been here, but i'm just now starting to feel its effects. or maybe when i was young, i was never challenged, so there truly was no fear.
...but somewhere along the way, fear began to tell me that i should stay away from any situation that i couldn't be in total control of. fear began to tell me that i should hide who i really am cause otherwise i wouldn't "fit". fear began to tell me that i would never measure up. fear began to tell me that i had to keep distance- mental, emotional, and physical, cause otherwise, people might find out that i'm flawed. fear began to tell me that it's better to be safe than sorry.
so here i've been attempting to stay safe and instead i am incredibly sorry.
ironic, don't you think?
all those quotes... "better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." "if you never try you'll never know." "just do it." i always wanted them to inspire me, but i think instead they just scared me.
the most recent was this, "now could be the time to change that." but the difference was that instead of some lame quote on a facebook quote wall or a t-shirt, it was a real person. a real person that i desperately wanted to say "yes" to, but instead i said no. why? cause i wanted to say no? cause i thought it was right to say no? NO! all because i was too damn scared to say yes! granted, the fears were legitimate fears, but what was i thinking? i KNOW what happens when i say no! it's what i've done my whole life. i only have those fears cause i've never faced them. i have no idea what would've happened if i'd said yes- and now i've lost my chance.
i never try, so i never know.
but how to change?
that chance is gone...that's a chance i actually wanted, but i have to let it go. sigh.... what other chances can i take? there's a reason i don't have many chances anymore: i've chosen so many safe paths that now the chances are few and far between. and when they do come, well. i'm scared and so slow...it takes patience to get to me, and most chances only come along once in life. so i let them go, and they let me go.
so how to change?
i will face my fears. it will take such a torturously long time, but i will do it. so please, give me one more chance...!
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