Bestfriend

In the last two years I have made and lost many good friends. Friends come and go. Six months ago I met someone who has become one of the best friends I have ever had. In one month he is moving across the country. I want to think that we will stay best friends, but I know that our friendship will change. My natural response to this situation is to hide from the facts. To shut him out now so as to not be any more hurt. But when I look back at the last two years I remember, I am stronger than I think I am. I will get through this too. Somehow, even though it hurts so much, and I feel like I will never move on, I know I will learn and grow because of it. Who I am today is, in part, because of him and because of our friendship. I will never lose that - I will always have him with me. The circumstances in my life do not dictate who I am. I make choices and deal with their consequences. When I am faced with circumstances outside of my control, I am still in control of my response. No matter what I do, and no matter what happens to me, I will keep learning, and I will keep getting stronger. Thank you, Aaron. For everything.

Honesty at 0440

"The hand of the LORD was upon me, and He brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me down in the middle of the valley; and it was full of bones. He caused me to pass among them round about, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley; and lo, they were very dry. He said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" And I answered, "Oh Lord GOD, You know."

Whoever You are, where ever You are, if You can hear me, if You care... Please know that this is my attempt at honesty.

I believe in Your existence. But I don't think that I believe in much else about You. If You are what I've learned to picture You as through the "Christian" lens, I am afraid that I might hate You. Certainly I am bitter and disillusioned. I always heard that I should have a "relationship" with You. What happened? I tried for such a long time, and did we ever have anything? Did You ever even think about me? I thought about You so much. Was I a part of Your life or do I hopelessly and futilely long for something You don't give a damn about? I heard that You are always here, why do you always seem so different? They say I just have to believe...But I don't think I do believe. I'm writing this to You, but with little hope that You can or would read it or care. Did You create me to be this confused? Did You create me for anything at all? Or was I as random and insignificant as I feel? Do You even know? Do You have anything to do with my life? Or am I writing to myself...? I've always thought that You were big enough to answer my questions if You wanted to... Does that mean that You don't want to? Or does it mean that You don't care? Or maybe You decided that I don't need my questions answered. I figure You know all the answers. That's about all I have figured out. If You're there, if You care, and want to help me out, I might be down with that. But I won't promise anything in return. If you have been paying any attention to me, You'll know why. It's because I can't feel You, so I don't know how to keep promises I make to You. I'd be lying if I said I love You or trust You or believe in You or want a relationship with You. Mostly I just want to stop being so confused and wonder if You can help me. I don't deserve anything, but I know I can't change anything about me to alter that fact. I guess that means it's up to You.

another happy post?!

...this has got to be a record. somebody please take the time to appreciate it.

thank you.

ok, now that i've got that out of the way, i can actually write the happy post. pretty much, it's about being nice.

i heard this quote in a silly movie i watched a few weeks ago, "the fastest way to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time." (actually, i heard the quote twice, because the DVD was messed up...)

to me, that sounds at least somewhat true. i don't know that there is any way to know what the "fastest" way to anyone's heart is, but the idea seems legitimate.

any gift you give to someone shows that you were thinking about them. a gift at an unexpected time most likely means that you thought about them even though there wasn't really any objective reason like christmas or their birthday. a gift at an unexpected time will most likely be an unexpected gift, so i think saying "an unexpected gift" might have been more accurately (though less poetically) described as "a unique gift".

a few days ago i received an extremely unique gift at a very unexpected time, and for sure - it touched my heart.

i started thinking of how easy it would be to give unique gifts to people at unexpected times... the gift given to me was not the kind of gift that *i* can really give to anyone else, but there are so many other gifts! time is a gift- often unexpected. a smile is a gift and each one is unique. a kind word is often the only gift needed. a simple note of appreciation or encouragement can go a long way. and, if you have money and a little more creativity, the list is endless.

so i'm trying to open my eyes and see the people in my life. not for what they can do for me, but for opportunities to give them small gifts that will hopefully show that they are valued. simply for existing.

thoughtful. caring. nice. whatever you want to call it, can it really be that hard? it's so simple.

wait and see

over the past few months, one concept has been repeatedly branded into my mind. maybe it's because there is so much i don't know, want to know, but can't know yet. maybe it's because this summer i have been forced to be patient. maybe it's because i've had to slow down. maybe it's because i'm too scared to do anything else.

regardless, it is the concept of slowing down, taking time, waiting patiently, and letting things work out. more and more frequently, i find myself saying things like, "just wait" "if it's important, i will figure it out" "we will see" "i didn't mind waiting" "wait and see" "we can do that later" "not long- only 4 months" "give it time" and "time will tell".

i find this mindset affecting more and more of my life.

it started with the whole area of a boyfriend (not mine)...should i date him or should i break up with him? there are 2 voices inside me telling me 2 different things? are they my head and my heart? are they both my head? the answer? wait. in a relatively short time, the 2 voices will agree much more, and then follow them. less than a month later, the questions were answered. the heart a little sore, but the lesson learned.

next, i saw it affecting the way i think about guys. i used to think that if a guy liked me and i didn't like him, well, that was the end. what else is there to do, think, or say? well, what if i took the time to get to know him and see what happens? what have we lost if i still don't "like" him in the end? i saw that just because i don't think or feel a certain way now, given time, i could change if i wanted to. also, just because a guy leaves my life for a summer, doesn't mean i assume i will never talk to him again. only time will tell that.

directly related to that is the way i think about my friendships. toward the end of last semester i met a whole group of people who i really like, and really hope to spend more time with this coming semester. i spent a lot of time with one person in particular, we got along great, could talk for hours, laughed at the same things, and told each other we could always stay that way. maybe we could. maybe we still can. i have no objection to spending lots of time with a new friend and getting to know them quickly; however, i have realized that there are some things about a person that only time can tell. we don't know each other very well at all. in that same group there are plenty of other people. 3 of them i started to get to know better and am very much looking forward to continuing those friendships more deeply when they come back for fall classes. i appreciate those friendships more because they are more natural. we are taking the time to get to know each other more broadly as well as deeply.

another specific friendship has majorly influenced and enforced my thoughts on this topic, but i think it merits its own post.

the impact of letting things happen more naturally reaches further than just relationships.

it affects the whole way i view my life.

i am not saying that i have no control over or say in what happens. not saying that at all! adversely, i think that every choice i make affects the me and my future in some way. however, i think that i should make the choices i make to the best of my ability, and then wait patiently to see what their consequences are. if i see problems, i should do my best to address them, but i can't expect to solve them overnight. sometime i can't know yet. i can't know what will happen with a certain guy this fall until this fall; however, i should take the time i have now to determine what i am ok with and to get ready for anything. if, by the time he gets back, i haven't determined that or i'm not ready, then i should just keep waiting.

simply put, i only have the present.

i should wait for the future because the best way to prepare for the future is to let it take care of itself as i take care of the present.

my next step is the one in front of me; not necessarily the one i want to be on, but the only way to get to where i want to be is to start from where i'm at.

my life is a path. i can't be anywhere but where i am. i will live in the moment, taking each step as it comes, letting time take care of the future; and hopefully i never stop walking.

happy post

i realized that the majority of the post on this blog are extremely contemplative, some semi-discouraging, and others are downright depressing. so.....this is my happy post.

list #1: people who have made a positive impact in my life over the past year...
1) tucoma winegar
2) tara decaraux
3) jake garner
4) aeri kim
5) jean-maxime bertrand
6) brandon brown
7) uiseong simon mun
8) youngho fred kim
9) salma aman
10) bongjun ryan moon
11) kari garrett
12) jiseong charlie jang
13) erik bengtsson
14) hyunjung olivia choi
15) youyung rachel hyun
16) molly reed
17) jeff wilkins
18) sami burchfield
19) robert williams
20) callie wright
21) brandon page (haha!)
22) beth ann tollison
23) my entire family
24) daniel riggs
25) nathan august riedel

list #2: dates/events i will remember and why...
1) august 2010: birthday trip to wisconsin
2) october 2010: campus outreach fall conference and gatlinburg with dudley
3) christmas break, 2010: road trip to dallas, tx with jinju
4) december 2010: straight A's fall 2010 semester
5) 29-31 december 2010: campus outreach new years' conference...met daniel
6) 18-20 february 2011: campus outreach spring retreat
7) spring break, march 2011: wisconsin with bong
8) beginning of april 2011, met and started hanging out with swing/ruf friends
9) april-may 2011: talks with tara, jo, max, and jake
10) april 2011: changed major from nursing to history and spanish
11) april 2011: dogwood swing/dylan's party
12) 9-14 may, 2011: ruf summer conference
13) may 2011: straight A's spring 2011 semester
14) july 2011: baby-sitting trip to wisconsin with ez
15) summer 2011: cookeville regional medical center 5th floor mural project

list #3: positive changes
1) i am far more comfortable with being open and honest with people
2) i am learning to live in the moment - not for the past of the present
3) i have made new friends
4) i have a differnet major
5) i am figuring out what i actually believe about God...religions...worldviews
6) i have falling in love with walking! ;)
7) i ride my bicycle
8) i am learning to live with less and less
9) i have been very happy all summer
10) i am learning when it is ok to be alone, and when i need other people

list #4: totally random things i am thankful for
1) big o's
2) youtube
3) john mayer's music
4) no cell phone!!
5) a fuzzy blanket
6) a job
7) bon jovi's basist
8) granola bars
9) glue
10) water bottles
11) magnolia trees
12) paper towels
13) facebook
14) sunshine
15) football
16) sharpies
17) another job
18) libraries
19) tevas
20) christmas lights

list #5: events i am looking forward to...
1) my friends coming back to cookeville
2) classes starting
3) meeting my little sibs
4) daniel being in cookeville
5) visiting jo
6) jo coming home (!!!!!!)
7) finishing the murals
8) making granola tonight
9) spending more time with tara...callie..sami...nathan...and HOPEFULLY daniel
10) ttu swing starting again
11) making new friends
12) legally being able to buy alcohol
13) getting a tatoo
14) watching into the wild
15) writing a research paper
16) learning more spanish
17) 5 time.....16 days..... :o
18) nomi coming on thursday
19) paying september rent
20) jo's next facebook message

the wrong seed

Luke 8:4-15

And when a great crowd was gathering and people from town after town came to him, he said in a parable: "A sower went out to sow his seed. And as he sowed, some fell along the path and was trampled underfoot, and the birds of the air devoured it. And some fell on the rock, and as it grew up, it withered away, because it had no moisture. And some fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up with it and choked it. And some fell into good soil and grew and yielded a hundredfold." As he said these things, he called out, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear." And when his disciples asked him what this parable meant, he said, "To you it has been given to know the secrets of the kingdom of God, but for others they are in parables, so that 'seeing they may not see, and hearing they may not understand.' Now the parable is this: The seed is the word of God. The ones along the path are those who have heard; then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. And the ones on the rock are those who, when they hear the word, receive it with joy. But these have no root; they believe for a while, and in time of testing fall away. And as for what fell among the thorns, they are those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by the cares and riches and pleasures of life, and their fruit does not mature. As for that in the good soil, they are those who, hearing the word, hold it fast in an honest and good heart, and bear fruit with patience.

What if I'm not good soil?

who?

i know myself. when i woke up bawling yesterday, i knew that the only safe response was to go back to sleep because if i didn't do that, the other options that would come to mind would all be bad. they would range from eating to cutting and everywhere inbetween. so i went back to sleep....woke up feeling enough better to think, so i began to wonder, what could i do to feel better? what are my options? iknew what i wanted. i wanted jo to be here and for her to put her arms around me and let me cry. but that couldn't happen....other things came to mind: someone else to hold me tight enough to where i would feel safe, music to drown the tears, food to stimulate my senses, and of course, the old stand-by - self-inflicted physical pain to numb the emotinal and psychological pain the trheatened to smother me in it's illogical and inescapable weight. none of the above seemed to be the right choice, so i forced myself to sleep more. when i woke up again, i was feeling sufficiently logical to begin to ask better questions... how do other people deal with pain? what is a different response to depression than hurting myself? what can i do besides retreat, isolation, and self-medication to combat the emotional pain that is always threatening to drown me if i give it the slightest chance? i know myself. i know how i attempt to cope. but what about other people? how do they fight? ...and will they talk? who will help me see options to a better way back up?