Pinching. Dreaming. Living.

I've never found pinching myself to be a great test, but I often wonder if my life is real.

Growing up, I had ideas about the things I wanted to do and dreams about the things my life could hold. These ideas and dreams changed over the years, but most often included the following:

1--Finding a man who loved me unconditionally.
2--Travelling to other countries and continents.
3--Being able to speak other languages.
4--Helping other people.
5--Living with Jo.
6--People recognizing my name.
7--Looking in the mirror and seeing a confident, skinny, successful woman.
8--Teaching/training people in the skills I know.
9--Sharing my ideas and knowledge with people who wanted to hear.
10--Eating ice cream for breakfast - ANY TIME I WANTED.

---> It's great to look back over the last year and see the way my relationship with Sam has grown. We've given each other emotional scars, but more than anything, we are learning what it means to love fully, unselfishly, unconditionally.
---> Last year I spent time in 3 different continents.
---> I can communicate in several languages. And in Spanish, well, I'm no where near fluent, but there are few ideas that given enough time and a patient listener, I can't communicate. In Spanish.
---> Somehow, people always seem to find me when they need help - it's wonderful.
---> Jo and I have been living in Cookeville for over 3 years now.
---> And any professor, manager, adviser, rent-collector, coworker, and even most class-mates recognize the name "Pinzur". As "one of the hardest-working, most honorable people I've ever had".
---> Most days when I look in the mirror, I just see me. But every-once-in-a-while, I see what most other people see: a confident, successful, attractive woman.
---> Helping countless people correct essays, dress burgers, and seeing my sister draw, my brothers cook, and my nephews studying second (or third) languages, assures me that my acquired skills are not going wasted.
---> The number of hits from random countries on my blogs, and the looks on my professors faces in class, assure me that there are plenty of people reading and listening to what I have to say, with pleasure.
---> And yes, I eat ice cream for breakfast any time I want.

Looking back over the last several years, I am overwhelmed by the number of dreams I've seen come true.
At the time it just felt like a lot of hard work. Late nights, early morning, long days at work, long lists of vocab, endless confusion and feeling at my wits' end. It felt like a hot apartment when I was paying for tuition instead of AC. It felt like a broken heart when I left a life in Korea behind. It felt like perpetually ill-fitting clothes as I lost 40lbs due to stress, business, and working 50-weeks on my feet. It felt like a splitting headache after all-nighters with 20-page history papers. It felt like a sunburn from where I fell asleep in the quad on the first warm day in March. It felt like sleepless nights, popping ears, motion sickness, and lack of appetite: gotta love jet lag!

Looking back, it feels like success. Confidence. Growth. Love. Dedication. Excitement.
Right now, it feels unreal. I know that what I'm doing is what I've chosen - what I love. But sometimes I still feel like I'm going to wake up and be the girl I used to be - hoping, dreaming, idealizing.

But I won't. I'll continue waking up every day to a life of early mornings, late nights, head aches and dedication. I life of ill-fitting clothes and growth. Broken hearts and love. Sunburns, jet-lag, and excitement. Confusion and confidence.

That's my life. And no amount of pinching will change it!

Phantom Failure

I used to be afraid of failure.

In fact, I used to be so afraid of failure that I wouldn't try to do anything that I wasn't sure I would succeed in doing. To me, failure was an end in itself, and it was one to be avoided at all costs. Failure wastes time. Failure lowers self-esteem. Failure opens you up for ridicule. Failure is the opposite of success.

Success, getting what you set out to get - accomplishing what you set out to accomplish.

Right?

A few years ago I realized that the fear of failure had dictated the majority of the decisions I had made...in my entire life. For 20 years I had tried to avoid this phantom called Failure. Since then I've seen countless ways that fear of Failure has drastically limited the opportunities I pursue. But after 20 years of blind fear, and 3 years of working up the courage to fight it, in the last few months I've watched my fear of Failure melt and then evaporate.

With this fear gone I realize that the entire world is open to me. Everyone, everywhere, everything. There are plenty of things that I can't do - YET - but there is nothing I can't try.

Because Failure is not a end in itself.

Failure is the phantom that haunted me until I realize that each step - "failed" or not - is just another step in the road of life. So-called failures tell me, not what I can't do, but what I need to focus on. If I try something and fail, I have two options: try again, if it is something important to me, or try something else. Either option is good. The only bad option is giving up on trying because the things I happened to try dont go the way I wanted at first. I still feel a twinge of fear every time I walk into my martial arts classes or my language classes. Fear of making mistakes. Fear that I will fail in my objective.

And to be honest, I do! All the time! The amount of mistakes I make when attempting to communicate in another language are probably as numerous as the words in this entry. And the bruises on my arms and ribs are a sure sign that I regularly fail to block elbow strikes correctly.

Fine!

So what!?

What have I lost?

More importantly, what have I gained?

Failure is only failure if I leave it there. Instead of stopping with a "failure", I've realized that it will only haunt me until I take the lesson it's offering and then take my next step.

New level of life unlocked: Fear of Failure defeated. The possibilities are now limitless. 

If you need a little dose of deprecation:

Learn a foreign language!

There is no better way to feel ignorant than to say "I eat yesterday chicken" when what you meant to say was "Yesterday I ate chicken." Unless you say, "Wow - handsome!" when you'd intended to comment on how delicious the food was that your friends' Mom made for you.

And while you're at it, try feeling confused: Did he just say "Good job" or "I'm cold"? And um....did he tell me to go under the bridge and go left or go left over bridge or go left at the bridge or did he say to go right and nothing about a bridge??

Forgetful too: "How do I say 'then,' again? Oh, and what about 'I'm coming back!'?" And for some reason the word for "always" will simply NEVER stay in your head!

Inadequate and incompetent? Check! "I really just have NO IDEA what you are trying to say to me...!!"

And usually "frightened" is not the right word. Try "tengo miedo" - you just "have fear." It's like a disease, every time you open your mouth to speak a different language, instead of words there's only fear.

Finally, you'll probably feel a little like Lucy from the I Love Lucy show - she knows what she's thinking but to everyone else, she always just looks a little (or a lot) silly.

This is a small and incomplete list of all the ways that attempting to learn a foreign language can be damaging to your self esteem.

I suggest you try it.

February 7th, 6 years ago

I still remember everything about that day as if it was yesterday - not six years ago. Holding down the fort while the fam was away. The big storm had knocked out our electricity so they'd headed off to Lebanon to stay with Av and Apryl. Jo and I had sat around in the cold all day; she was doing what she did those days and I was working on a portrait for an ACE competition by candle light.

Earlier, over dinner cooked on our gas oven, we'd discovered the joys of "burning" Styrofoam cups. On mine I'd written the feelings I had for a Certain Person... We spent a lot of time during our senior year together. He wanted me but I just told Him I wasn't interested. But I was. The last time I saw Him we had a big fight, didn't say goodbye, and He never told me He was leaving. So I wrote out my frustration, hurt, confusion, and that lingering feeling that could have been love on a Styrofoam cup. Then watched in sadness and interest as all the words melted over that maroon candle. Then the call came. Jo answered and I knew by her face what Mom was saying. I even knew who it was. She didn't have to say it, but somehow the look of shock and horror in her face when she put down the phone and then put her arms around me couldn't prepare me for the words that came crashing through my mind into my heart: "It's Jesse".

Jesse, the one who had been there for me, and Him, through the whole thing. Jesse, the one who used to make me smile when nothing else would. Jesse, the one who I thought would always be there, was gone. His whole family had been killed when a semi careened into the back of their van as they sat in traffic near their home.

I remember crying for hours with my head in her lap as she stroked my hair and handed me an endless string of tissues. I remember her reading Psalms to me as I fell into a fitful sleep. I remember thinking I'd never sleep, then waking up and wishing I could just be asleep again. I remember spending hours over the next few days sitting and trying to fathom what had happened. I remember standing in church three days later bawling my eyes out. I remember my Mom putting her arm around me and not saying anything. I remember standing in little groups with my friends - no one had anything to say. I remember wishing that somehow in all this pain He would come back and help me through it - the way the three of us had done everything else together that year. I remember the rain that fell all day Tuesday - mimicking the tears that would not stop running down my face. I remember countless nights dreaming about him being alive again - half the time I thought it was real and cried when I woke up, the other half of the time I knew it wasn't real and woke up crying. I remember the last dream about him - he'd died. I remember wondering when I was going to move on - when life would go back to normal.

And now I know the answer to that question: NEVER.

That string of events was the beginning of a new normal. A normal that included more pain than I'd ever experienced before. A normal that never stopped changing.

I don't miss him anymore. I don't think about him often. But I can't forget. Losing him, losing our friendship, was the beginning of my metamorphoses from a lost teenager to an adult finding her way. There were no answers, and that is when I realized that life goes on without answers. There was so much pain that wouldn't go away, which is how I realized that in order to go on with all that pain I would have to embrace it and let it change me. There was no way to go back, and then I realized that there never would be. Ever little thing, ever big thing, combines to make me who I am. I am left wondering, who would I be today without him? Who would he be today? 

700mph

My excitement level regarding my trip to Korea went from 0 to 60 in about 5.2 minutes this morning when I met Jinroung from China.

While driving through a rain storm dismal enough to turn most excitement into pulp, I saw a girl walking down the road toward campus. I noticed her but kept driving. I drove all the way to the light where I turned right and drove around the block. When I reached where she was I rolled down my window and offered her a ride. I'm not sure how much - if any - of what I said she understood, but stopping and rolling down the window spoke as loudly to her as the look of relief and gratitude on her surprised face spoke to me. I was so happy to be helping her and so excited to be meeting an exchange student from China that I forgot to get back into the right lane and if her first impression of me was that I am a kind person, her second must've been that I am NOT the brightest crayon in the box... We drove for another half a mile to the University Service building where she got out. I'm sure I'll never see her again but hey - I was there for her when she needed someone. And because of her my excitement level about my own international experience went from cruising down a country road to roaring across 1000's of miles of air space at 700mph.

It's funny how the littlest things sometimes have the biggest impact.

Tears of Fear

What's wrong with me? Why am I so scared? When it first started I just kept thinking how nice it was and natural it felt, and then, his last kiss made me cry. Tears of fear.

I know myself, I am ambitious, motivated, and independent. Offen, those trait are manifested in selfishness and cold-heartedness. There are a few people I love, but these come in different categories. There are those who I always have loved and always will. And then there are those who fit fo a season in my life, and then I move on. Unfortunately, they don't move on and then I come across as being unfeeling, and unloving. Well, maybe I am. But people let me down, it's what they do. The only thing i can count is myself and my ability to do what I love doing. there are a handful of people who don't leave, they are all related to me. I'm not afraid to be close to them because I know they will always be my best friends, my biggest fans, and my support group. Aside from them, I have no one else who I plan or even want to stay in touch with all of my life.

At least that's what I tell myself.

But something is making me wonder, maybe I just never knew one who would stick. Maybe I never knew one who would keep on fitting. Maybe I could love someone else. And maybe that someone is Sam.

So I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll fall in love with him and then he'll leave. And I'm scared that he'll fall in love with me, and I'll leave. I can't tell which one I am more scared of...I am tired of people telling me that I am breaking their hearts. My relationships aren't meant to last, but people always hope. I can warn him, I can put distance between us, but ultimately, what good will that do? I can't control his feelings, only mine.

Do I want to love him? No. Do I want to have him in my life, yes. Do I want to give it time and see where it goes? Yes. Do I want to know what the hell he is feeling? Yes. Do I want to make this decision by myself? Yes. Do I want to break up with him? No. Do I think there is a small chance that he might stay? Yes.

But so small. So very small. When I met him, I thought this would be a casual thing that lasted for a few months and that he wouldn't be able to stick with me. But there is so much more to him than I thought then. I think. He doesn't hold too tight, but is that becaue he doesn't really want me or because he knows that I would only leave if he did? He doesn't talk to much, but is that because he respects silence or because he has nothing to say? He doesn't ever go too far, but is that because he doesn't want to make me uncomfortable, or because he is uncomfortable? He comes and spend time with me when all I'm doing is reading, is that because he's easily satisfied or because he's bored?

I like him. I like him a lot. So much, it scares me. Because I don't know how he's feeling. Am I over here falling for him, when he's just thinking that this is a fun little summer fling?

He asked me last night if i was ok, and I just said that I would be. He asked if I felt ok and I said yes. So he just kissed me again, and went home. That was the right thing to do, but did he do it because it was the right thing to do or because he didn't care enough to stay? I will learn the answers to these questions if I hold on and stick it out to get to know him better. But I have too much else in my life to get a broken heart over some guy.

But maybe he's not just "some guy". I think I can stick with it a little longer at least.

Bestfriend

In the last two years I have made and lost many good friends. Friends come and go. Six months ago I met someone who has become one of the best friends I have ever had. In one month he is moving across the country. I want to think that we will stay best friends, but I know that our friendship will change. My natural response to this situation is to hide from the facts. To shut him out now so as to not be any more hurt. But when I look back at the last two years I remember, I am stronger than I think I am. I will get through this too. Somehow, even though it hurts so much, and I feel like I will never move on, I know I will learn and grow because of it. Who I am today is, in part, because of him and because of our friendship. I will never lose that - I will always have him with me. The circumstances in my life do not dictate who I am. I make choices and deal with their consequences. When I am faced with circumstances outside of my control, I am still in control of my response. No matter what I do, and no matter what happens to me, I will keep learning, and I will keep getting stronger. Thank you, Aaron. For everything.