naturally, it has to do with guys. especially one guy. but it has as much to do with all the other ones out there too.... one feels more personal, but i know he's not. he is nothing to me: we were friends, but his life has moved on, and now, our friendship is a pale shadow of what it used to be, fading into a memory...
yeah, so we were friends. there was nothing more and there was nothing less.
that was summer 2009.
but the summer ended as do all summers...and our paths parted. i wanted to stay friends, and it hurt to know that he didn't really care that much. but such is life, i learned to live with it.
we parted as friends.
there was nothing more and there was nothing less.
only...the seeds of more were sown, and as always happens when the seeds of more are sown, the seeds of less were sown right along with them.
what changed? nothing. only, when i thought about him leaving my life, i was jealous of the other people he choose to spend his last days with. when i thought about the times we'd spent over the summer, i knew it could be another 19 years before i would know someone with whom i felt so at home. when i thought about how well we got along, i didn't care about the problems we had.
then, for months, there was nothing. i saw nothing of him. i thought nothing about him. i felt nothing for him.
Monday, March 7, 2011
the little things go big
isn't that how life works? all the little things seem so big while we are in them, but in the end, it's just another little thing...
it's weird to see the way my life is now. it's weird to see the way my mind changes and grows; to see the way my heart beats and breaks; the way friendships build and crumble; the way school drags and runs away; the way the future crystalizes and blurs... every freakin day.
i see the lives of the people around me changing so quickly and so definately, but i feel the same. it's like watching the world go by in slow motion as i slip into rewind.
but i know that i have to be changing too.
i want to change my major. that's a change.
i have a bunch of new friends this semester. that's a change.
i have to make plans for this summer. that's a change.
i love drinking tea. that's a change.
i wanted to move into a house with 4 other girls. that's a change.
i look for ways to spend time with people. that's a change.
i cut my hair. that's a change.
i have 5 piercings. that's a change.
i want a place to call home. that's a change.
i have stopped looking for a guy who "fits". that's a change.
i want to be an artist. that's a change.
i am learning that it's not always better to be stronger. that's a change.
i fight every day to be the person i want to be. that's a change.
......maybe that's all, maybe there's more, but i think i have proven to myself that i am changing along with the rest of the world. it's a good feeling, but so strange! i feel like this thing called life just keeps getting more and more complex, but less and less complicated.
and ironic.
that's what life seems to me - a big irony. the timing of life. the people in life. the desires in life. the problems in life. "when you have more than you want, you think you need. and when you think more than you want, your thoughts begin to bleed. i think i need to find a bigger place, cause when you have more than you think, you need more space."
and no, that didn't make much sense to me either.
;)
it's weird to see the way my life is now. it's weird to see the way my mind changes and grows; to see the way my heart beats and breaks; the way friendships build and crumble; the way school drags and runs away; the way the future crystalizes and blurs... every freakin day.
i see the lives of the people around me changing so quickly and so definately, but i feel the same. it's like watching the world go by in slow motion as i slip into rewind.
but i know that i have to be changing too.
i want to change my major. that's a change.
i have a bunch of new friends this semester. that's a change.
i have to make plans for this summer. that's a change.
i love drinking tea. that's a change.
i wanted to move into a house with 4 other girls. that's a change.
i look for ways to spend time with people. that's a change.
i cut my hair. that's a change.
i have 5 piercings. that's a change.
i want a place to call home. that's a change.
i have stopped looking for a guy who "fits". that's a change.
i want to be an artist. that's a change.
i am learning that it's not always better to be stronger. that's a change.
i fight every day to be the person i want to be. that's a change.
......maybe that's all, maybe there's more, but i think i have proven to myself that i am changing along with the rest of the world. it's a good feeling, but so strange! i feel like this thing called life just keeps getting more and more complex, but less and less complicated.
and ironic.
that's what life seems to me - a big irony. the timing of life. the people in life. the desires in life. the problems in life. "when you have more than you want, you think you need. and when you think more than you want, your thoughts begin to bleed. i think i need to find a bigger place, cause when you have more than you think, you need more space."
and no, that didn't make much sense to me either.
;)
Saturday, October 30, 2010
random thoughts...
a lot of them.
i love my life. i love the people in it. i love my job. i love school. i love being busy. i love that i am growing. i love living in cookeville. i love writing about it.
but......
loving my life doesn't make it easy.
all those things i mentioned, i love them, but they are all so hard...
the people in it. i love them. i love them like crazy. really. it is crazy...you wanna know who i love? i love my family who i only get to see once a week and most. i love my family who i almost never get to see. i love my friends who i never see anymore. i love my close friends who live in wisconsin, colorado, knoxville, and other far-away places. i love my best friend who i live with but barely keep up with. i love my friends who live here at ttu with me, but who live entirely different lives. i love my christian friends who i labour with, but i hardly know them. i love all my international friends who will all leave in 2 months or in may, who i will most likely never see again. i love my fiance who i have never seen yet.
my job. i babysit at the ttu child developement lab. preschoolers. i love them. loving this job is huge for me...i've never loved a job before. in the past, i've worked because i had to, and i just don't like having a job. it's not because of the work, it's becasue of the idea of a job. but this one i love. only it's hard. so many people wanting my attention, and the ones who don't want it are the ones who need it. i can't make them do anything, but that's my job. i still don't know if some of them recognize me...
school. it's school. i really love the work and i really love getting more knowledge. but it's work. most of it's not hard. but algebra is. sometimes i understand completely and then it is super enjoyable, but when i don't get it, there's nothing i can do about it - i can't figure math out by myself. so it's discouraging at times. other times it's just busy... grades are good. but that wasn't easy.
being busy. need i say more?
growing.....is what this whole post is about.......
living in cookeville. i love living in cookeville. i still walk around all the time thinking to myself "i live here....i LIVE here! :o". *grin* that part's good. only now i am so torn...there are so many other places i would like to be. the hard part is just being content with whre i'm at.
and writing about it is hard for many reasons. first, it means being at least somewhat vulnerable. second, it means i have to think through the pain. third, it means i want to talk about it, and there was no one to talk to.
=)
that's not funny, but i can't help but smile at myself.......
today i saw a guy who looked so much like...someone else. only taller and with blond hair. he paused for a minute when we made eye contact. do i remind him of someone from his past? just a thought. i would hope not... does he live here? will i see him again? why have i never seen him before? why do i (still) care....... i don't even put that one as a question anymore. i've gotten used to thinking of it as a fact. i want to see him again...i want him to talk to me again.....i want to look at his face and see if he really does look like...the other guy... does he have the same haunting eyes? what about the same riveting smile? but i don't. what if he did have the same eyes and smile? what if he does..... would i want to see them? yes...no....
but as i've never seen him before, i doubt i will see him again so it doesn't matter.
he's so much better as a memory than as anything else besides forgotten. (which won't happen.)
moving on.
the people i spend the most time with, or the most consistent time with. we are all trying to build frindships with international students, to love them, to share the gospel with them, to share our lives with them. they are my family here at school. they are my friends, my accountability, my encouragement. but i hardly know them...we just labor along beside each other.
paul, i love paul! he's the only one i was even friends with before... molly is amazing...but i hardly know her at all. i only know i like her. timber...brandon i don't know at all. same with kari. and will that ever change? the only time i ever see them is when we are in big groups so i never have any type of personal interaction. this can't be good! but what can we do? we have onlt so much time in our lives, and they have only so much time here. we have to pick priorities. *shrug* maybe we could do something about it though. maybe if i wasn't the only one who cared.....
SIGH
and there is more. but will i write about it?
maybe i will.
some of it...
i am very happy that i always walk with Jesus. and sometimes i lose sight of him, but he is never any farther away, my heart just looks in the wrong places. but we walk and talk all day long. it's so sweet. it's so amazing. it's so supernatural.
when i look at pictures of myself, and when i look at the way i talk, and when i look at how i get so distracted so easily, and when i look at other people, i wonder what's so cool about me. nothing. only somehow he loves me still. i dont understand that part......i dont see what he sees. i wont see it til i see him. but i know he loves me, and i know his love must shine through me too cause other people seem to really love me. and i'm not lovable. not on my own...anything in me to love is from him. i still dont get how that works. why does he love me? why do they love me?
i'm tired.
i love my life. i love the people in it. i love my job. i love school. i love being busy. i love that i am growing. i love living in cookeville. i love writing about it.
but......
loving my life doesn't make it easy.
all those things i mentioned, i love them, but they are all so hard...
the people in it. i love them. i love them like crazy. really. it is crazy...you wanna know who i love? i love my family who i only get to see once a week and most. i love my family who i almost never get to see. i love my friends who i never see anymore. i love my close friends who live in wisconsin, colorado, knoxville, and other far-away places. i love my best friend who i live with but barely keep up with. i love my friends who live here at ttu with me, but who live entirely different lives. i love my christian friends who i labour with, but i hardly know them. i love all my international friends who will all leave in 2 months or in may, who i will most likely never see again. i love my fiance who i have never seen yet.
my job. i babysit at the ttu child developement lab. preschoolers. i love them. loving this job is huge for me...i've never loved a job before. in the past, i've worked because i had to, and i just don't like having a job. it's not because of the work, it's becasue of the idea of a job. but this one i love. only it's hard. so many people wanting my attention, and the ones who don't want it are the ones who need it. i can't make them do anything, but that's my job. i still don't know if some of them recognize me...
school. it's school. i really love the work and i really love getting more knowledge. but it's work. most of it's not hard. but algebra is. sometimes i understand completely and then it is super enjoyable, but when i don't get it, there's nothing i can do about it - i can't figure math out by myself. so it's discouraging at times. other times it's just busy... grades are good. but that wasn't easy.
being busy. need i say more?
growing.....is what this whole post is about.......
living in cookeville. i love living in cookeville. i still walk around all the time thinking to myself "i live here....i LIVE here! :o". *grin* that part's good. only now i am so torn...there are so many other places i would like to be. the hard part is just being content with whre i'm at.
and writing about it is hard for many reasons. first, it means being at least somewhat vulnerable. second, it means i have to think through the pain. third, it means i want to talk about it, and there was no one to talk to.
=)
that's not funny, but i can't help but smile at myself.......
today i saw a guy who looked so much like...someone else. only taller and with blond hair. he paused for a minute when we made eye contact. do i remind him of someone from his past? just a thought. i would hope not... does he live here? will i see him again? why have i never seen him before? why do i (still) care....... i don't even put that one as a question anymore. i've gotten used to thinking of it as a fact. i want to see him again...i want him to talk to me again.....i want to look at his face and see if he really does look like...the other guy... does he have the same haunting eyes? what about the same riveting smile? but i don't. what if he did have the same eyes and smile? what if he does..... would i want to see them? yes...no....
but as i've never seen him before, i doubt i will see him again so it doesn't matter.
he's so much better as a memory than as anything else besides forgotten. (which won't happen.)
moving on.
the people i spend the most time with, or the most consistent time with. we are all trying to build frindships with international students, to love them, to share the gospel with them, to share our lives with them. they are my family here at school. they are my friends, my accountability, my encouragement. but i hardly know them...we just labor along beside each other.
paul, i love paul! he's the only one i was even friends with before... molly is amazing...but i hardly know her at all. i only know i like her. timber...brandon i don't know at all. same with kari. and will that ever change? the only time i ever see them is when we are in big groups so i never have any type of personal interaction. this can't be good! but what can we do? we have onlt so much time in our lives, and they have only so much time here. we have to pick priorities. *shrug* maybe we could do something about it though. maybe if i wasn't the only one who cared.....
SIGH
and there is more. but will i write about it?
maybe i will.
some of it...
i am very happy that i always walk with Jesus. and sometimes i lose sight of him, but he is never any farther away, my heart just looks in the wrong places. but we walk and talk all day long. it's so sweet. it's so amazing. it's so supernatural.
when i look at pictures of myself, and when i look at the way i talk, and when i look at how i get so distracted so easily, and when i look at other people, i wonder what's so cool about me. nothing. only somehow he loves me still. i dont understand that part......i dont see what he sees. i wont see it til i see him. but i know he loves me, and i know his love must shine through me too cause other people seem to really love me. and i'm not lovable. not on my own...anything in me to love is from him. i still dont get how that works. why does he love me? why do they love me?
i'm tired.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
*she is sooo sleepy*
1. Last beverage - "water. with lemon." *she smiles at the guy who turns out to be possibly creepy*
2. Last phone call -uhh...it's been a while....... *she doesn't remember...*
3. Last song you listened to - a message - coldplay *she wishes that was true*
4. Last time you cried - this summer *she doesn't cry enough*
HAVE YOU EVER:
5. Dated someone twice - nope *she doesn't date at all*
6. Been cheated on? - that depends mostly on your definition of "cheated on" *she thinks yes*
7. Lost someone special? - of course *she's lost special people in every way possible*
8. Been depressed? -Yes *she doesn't want to think about this...*
9. Been high? - NATURE drunk and high!!! *she hasn't*
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: *she thinks these colors represent everything she feels*
10. red *she thinks red is passionate*
11. black *she thinks black is dark and confusing*
12. silver *she thinks silver is happy*
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
13. Have you made new friends this year - a TON! *she is always "making friends"*
14. Fallen out of love - bosh. no *she wasn't in love*
15. Laughed until you cried - yep *she laughs a lot*
16. Found out someone was talking about you - duh. *she doesn't care*
TRUTH:
17. How many kids do you want to have - none for a while *she can't decide*
18. Do you want to change your name - not particularly *she might want to if she gets married...*
19. What did you do for your last birthday - went to madcity! *she liked that birthday!*
20. What time did you wake up today - 0800 *she wasn't amused*
21. What were you doing at midnight last night - talking about true colors with my sisters *she is green if that means anything*
22. Name something you CANNOT wait for - theres a heck of a lot of things i dont WANT to wait for but absolutely nothing that i CANT wait for *she is very logical...*
23. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - i would take a new matress... *she likes her life*
24. What’s getting on your nerves right now? - F------ GUYS!!!!!!! *ooh, she is mad!*
25. Zodiac sign - LEO (be jealous) *she is proud!*
26. Hair color - most of them are brownish *she has lots of different colors in her hair*
27. Long or short - compared to what *she has long hair...*
28. Height -5' 4" *she is not short*
29. Do you have a crush on someone - *shrug* *she doesn't want to answer...*
30. What do you like about yourself - my brain...sometimes *she doesn't like her brain right now...!*
31. Piercings - i have 3. i like lip piercings on guys! *she wants more*
32. Tattoos - not yet. *she will get at least 1 soon*
33. Righty or lefty - left brained...sometimes *she is confused*
FIRSTS :
34. First surgery - they took my brain out *she is kidding (she isn't very funny...)*
35. First Sport - basket ball!!!!! *she loves sports*
36. First pet - non-existant *she doesn't need pets*
37. First concert - lecrae *she is sadly deprived...!*
38. First crush - psht...it depends on how you count it *she doesn't know*
39. First alcohol drink - miller lite i think...i really dont remember. that was a lot of alcohol ago... *she kinda likes alcohol...*
RIGHT NOW
40. I’m about to - GO TO BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *she is soooo sleepy*
41. Waiting for - my algebra grade *she thinks she did well*
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OTHER SEX?
42. Lips or eyes - eyes *she really likes them to have both!*
43. Hugs or kisses - Hugs *she only takes hugs*
44. Shorter or taller - taller than i am *she thinks this is a dumb question*
45. Older or Younger - my age. *she thinks this is also a dumb question - guys can be any age the freakin want!*
46. Romantic or spontaneous - spontaneous *she doesnt understand romance*
47. Tattoos or piercings - *she already answered this question*
48. Hook-up or relationship - definately neither *she is mad, remember?*
49. Trouble maker or hesitant - trouble-maker!! *she needs more trouble in her life*
HAVE YOU EVER :
50. Drank hard liquor -uhm... *she can't answer this one*
51. Cried infront on someone - in front of or on? yes to both *she wishes that people who write these things were a little more careful...*
52. Broken someone’s heart - someones' *she really hopes you read that right*
53. Had your own heart broken - chya. i deserved it tho... *she didn't really...*
54. Turned someone down - haha...hahaha...all the time. hahah *she thinks this is a funny question cause it's sposed to imply something, but doesn't actually say it...*
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
55. Yourself - yes! *she is trying to*
56. Miracles - depends on what you mean by "miracle" *she doesn't*
57. Love at first sight - no *she thinks this is a dumb idea*
58. Kissing on the first date - it happens. *she doesnt let it happen to her*
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
60. Is there one person you want to be with right now - of course *she is already with her*
61. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time - no... *she's never had even one*
62. What’s the one thing you cannot live without - SLEEP!!!!!!!!!! *she is sooo sleepy*
2. Last phone call -uhh...it's been a while....... *she doesn't remember...*
3. Last song you listened to - a message - coldplay *she wishes that was true*
4. Last time you cried - this summer *she doesn't cry enough*
HAVE YOU EVER:
5. Dated someone twice - nope *she doesn't date at all*
6. Been cheated on? - that depends mostly on your definition of "cheated on" *she thinks yes*
7. Lost someone special? - of course *she's lost special people in every way possible*
8. Been depressed? -Yes *she doesn't want to think about this...*
9. Been high? - NATURE drunk and high!!! *she hasn't*
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: *she thinks these colors represent everything she feels*
10. red *she thinks red is passionate*
11. black *she thinks black is dark and confusing*
12. silver *she thinks silver is happy*
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
13. Have you made new friends this year - a TON! *she is always "making friends"*
14. Fallen out of love - bosh. no *she wasn't in love*
15. Laughed until you cried - yep *she laughs a lot*
16. Found out someone was talking about you - duh. *she doesn't care*
TRUTH:
17. How many kids do you want to have - none for a while *she can't decide*
18. Do you want to change your name - not particularly *she might want to if she gets married...*
19. What did you do for your last birthday - went to madcity! *she liked that birthday!*
20. What time did you wake up today - 0800 *she wasn't amused*
21. What were you doing at midnight last night - talking about true colors with my sisters *she is green if that means anything*
22. Name something you CANNOT wait for - theres a heck of a lot of things i dont WANT to wait for but absolutely nothing that i CANT wait for *she is very logical...*
23. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - i would take a new matress... *she likes her life*
24. What’s getting on your nerves right now? - F------ GUYS!!!!!!! *ooh, she is mad!*
25. Zodiac sign - LEO (be jealous) *she is proud!*
26. Hair color - most of them are brownish *she has lots of different colors in her hair*
27. Long or short - compared to what *she has long hair...*
28. Height -5' 4" *she is not short*
29. Do you have a crush on someone - *shrug* *she doesn't want to answer...*
30. What do you like about yourself - my brain...sometimes *she doesn't like her brain right now...!*
31. Piercings - i have 3. i like lip piercings on guys! *she wants more*
32. Tattoos - not yet. *she will get at least 1 soon*
33. Righty or lefty - left brained...sometimes *she is confused*
FIRSTS :
34. First surgery - they took my brain out *she is kidding (she isn't very funny...)*
35. First Sport - basket ball!!!!! *she loves sports*
36. First pet - non-existant *she doesn't need pets*
37. First concert - lecrae *she is sadly deprived...!*
38. First crush - psht...it depends on how you count it *she doesn't know*
39. First alcohol drink - miller lite i think...i really dont remember. that was a lot of alcohol ago... *she kinda likes alcohol...*
RIGHT NOW
40. I’m about to - GO TO BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *she is soooo sleepy*
41. Waiting for - my algebra grade *she thinks she did well*
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OTHER SEX?
42. Lips or eyes - eyes *she really likes them to have both!*
43. Hugs or kisses - Hugs *she only takes hugs*
44. Shorter or taller - taller than i am *she thinks this is a dumb question*
45. Older or Younger - my age. *she thinks this is also a dumb question - guys can be any age the freakin want!*
46. Romantic or spontaneous - spontaneous *she doesnt understand romance*
47. Tattoos or piercings - *she already answered this question*
48. Hook-up or relationship - definately neither *she is mad, remember?*
49. Trouble maker or hesitant - trouble-maker!! *she needs more trouble in her life*
HAVE YOU EVER :
50. Drank hard liquor -uhm... *she can't answer this one*
51. Cried infront on someone - in front of or on? yes to both *she wishes that people who write these things were a little more careful...*
52. Broken someone’s heart - someones' *she really hopes you read that right*
53. Had your own heart broken - chya. i deserved it tho... *she didn't really...*
54. Turned someone down - haha...hahaha...all the time. hahah *she thinks this is a funny question cause it's sposed to imply something, but doesn't actually say it...*
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
55. Yourself - yes! *she is trying to*
56. Miracles - depends on what you mean by "miracle" *she doesn't*
57. Love at first sight - no *she thinks this is a dumb idea*
58. Kissing on the first date - it happens. *she doesnt let it happen to her*
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
60. Is there one person you want to be with right now - of course *she is already with her*
61. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time - no... *she's never had even one*
62. What’s the one thing you cannot live without - SLEEP!!!!!!!!!! *she is sooo sleepy*
a not-so-typical day
this morning i woke up at 0800. that's very normal. but everything else was not normal... mainly cause i was in the guest bedroom at my brother's house instead of in my bunk-bed in my apartment.
i checked my phone and had no new texts. that's semi-un-normal. i was a little sad...
after i finally dragged myself out of bed i decided to shake a tower and wash my hair. that's not terribly strange. i guess. after surviving that ordeal, dressing, drying the mirror and parting my hair, i realized that after waching my hair i had completely forgetten to put in conditioner. quite odd. i wondered if that would be indicative of the rest of my day...
in some ways, absolutely! i have been very out-of-it today. something about life just seems off. i dont like it.
we ate breakfast. went shopping. and then we watched temple grandin - my nephew's newest favorite movie. it was challenging tho good. i have a hard time with movies like that. especially on days like today...
jo and i drove back to cookeville where we stopped at cracker barrel for her to start her shift. i went to dolce and sat outside to read psychology. while there a guy walked up that i met last week. i dont think he recognized me. after meeting up with his girlfriend they went in and sat at the table right next to mine - on the opposite side of the window. it was awkward, i just tried (unsuccessfully) not to think about it.
then i went home and unpacked. then i came here to the library to check some internet stuff and write this blog post.
my brain is so messed up right now. i can't even begin to describe what i am thinking and feeling.
i feel like i have a world of my own. i feel like there is an impenatrable wall around my mind that no one can get into and i can't get out of. i feel lost in myself. i feel trapped.
i don't know how i got here and i don't know how to get out.
on top of (becuase of?) that, i am having guy issues. there's nothing wrong with the guys in my life. there's nothing wrong with the guys being in my life. it's just this, when too many people pay attention to me i get very confused, unstable, and clostrophobic. i can't deal with multiple guys trying to hold my attention. when this happens i want to go off into my own world. i want to never see a guy again.
only this time it is different. there is one guy i kind of want to talk to. would he understand? i have no idea. i almost wish i knew, but we are not close, so would that only make it harder?
i'm so confused.
will i ever know? how do i get past this one? i want to talk, but to who? not to the guys who want to talk to me....only to the people who don't seem as interested. why does it always work that way?
k. i got to go.
"my song is love, i love unknown. and i've got to get that message home." -coldplay
talk to me, please?
i checked my phone and had no new texts. that's semi-un-normal. i was a little sad...
after i finally dragged myself out of bed i decided to shake a tower and wash my hair. that's not terribly strange. i guess. after surviving that ordeal, dressing, drying the mirror and parting my hair, i realized that after waching my hair i had completely forgetten to put in conditioner. quite odd. i wondered if that would be indicative of the rest of my day...
in some ways, absolutely! i have been very out-of-it today. something about life just seems off. i dont like it.
we ate breakfast. went shopping. and then we watched temple grandin - my nephew's newest favorite movie. it was challenging tho good. i have a hard time with movies like that. especially on days like today...
jo and i drove back to cookeville where we stopped at cracker barrel for her to start her shift. i went to dolce and sat outside to read psychology. while there a guy walked up that i met last week. i dont think he recognized me. after meeting up with his girlfriend they went in and sat at the table right next to mine - on the opposite side of the window. it was awkward, i just tried (unsuccessfully) not to think about it.
then i went home and unpacked. then i came here to the library to check some internet stuff and write this blog post.
my brain is so messed up right now. i can't even begin to describe what i am thinking and feeling.
i feel like i have a world of my own. i feel like there is an impenatrable wall around my mind that no one can get into and i can't get out of. i feel lost in myself. i feel trapped.
i don't know how i got here and i don't know how to get out.
on top of (becuase of?) that, i am having guy issues. there's nothing wrong with the guys in my life. there's nothing wrong with the guys being in my life. it's just this, when too many people pay attention to me i get very confused, unstable, and clostrophobic. i can't deal with multiple guys trying to hold my attention. when this happens i want to go off into my own world. i want to never see a guy again.
only this time it is different. there is one guy i kind of want to talk to. would he understand? i have no idea. i almost wish i knew, but we are not close, so would that only make it harder?
i'm so confused.
will i ever know? how do i get past this one? i want to talk, but to who? not to the guys who want to talk to me....only to the people who don't seem as interested. why does it always work that way?
k. i got to go.
"my song is love, i love unknown. and i've got to get that message home." -coldplay
talk to me, please?
Sunday, October 17, 2010
blog happy
that's me.
i haven't blogged in soo long! i haven't journaled either. there was a good reason...i used to write too much. but now i write too little. i keep it all in my head and then there's no room for everything else. that's why i can write for hours one day (yesterday) and still want to write the next day (today). i have so many thoughts in my head. some i want to share, some i don't know if i should be thinking so i don't know if i should share them. but maybe if i share them, then i will stop thinking them...?
gah. so confused. that's my constant state of mind though...kind of funny that i am constantly confused. you would think that the more used to being confused i am, the less confused i would feel. that's confusing. haha. bottom line, no matter how confused i am, i never get used to it. well.....no, i get used to it, i just still feel confused. i don't know if that makes any sense. oh well if it doesn't.
i have some very distressing thoughts in my head.
i love being alone. i love doing my favorite things alone.
i haven't blogged in soo long! i haven't journaled either. there was a good reason...i used to write too much. but now i write too little. i keep it all in my head and then there's no room for everything else. that's why i can write for hours one day (yesterday) and still want to write the next day (today). i have so many thoughts in my head. some i want to share, some i don't know if i should be thinking so i don't know if i should share them. but maybe if i share them, then i will stop thinking them...?
gah. so confused. that's my constant state of mind though...kind of funny that i am constantly confused. you would think that the more used to being confused i am, the less confused i would feel. that's confusing. haha. bottom line, no matter how confused i am, i never get used to it. well.....no, i get used to it, i just still feel confused. i don't know if that makes any sense. oh well if it doesn't.
i have some very distressing thoughts in my head.
i love being alone. i love doing my favorite things alone.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
the guy i want to marry
i know, i am afraid of commitment. i run from intimacy. and i play guys so obviously that they know it. but i do want to get married some day. later than sooner....all in good time...
well i have begun to realize, from people in my life, from people NOT in my life, and from general thinking, that i now have a fairly good idea of who i want to marry. that's what i think today, i'll be rewriting this post in less than a year i'm sure...lol
well, yes, there are all the little things,
...like it would be really cool if he liked trucks and motorcycles and sports cars.
...and it would be really cool if he liked country and classic rock.
...and it would be really cool if he liked dancing.
...and it would be really cool if he liked my family.
...and it would be really cool if his family liked me.
...and it would be really cool if he liked watching football on sunday afternoons.
...and it would be really cool if he liked driving.
...and it would be really cool if he had long hair.
...and it would be really cool if he spoke english as a 1st language and spanish as a 2nd (or 3rd of 4th...whatever, i'm not picky...).
...and it would be really cool if he liked talking.
...and it would be really cool if he wanted to move around the world (and live in madison).
...and it would be really cool if he knew how to fix cars and wanted to teach me.
...and it would be really cool if he wanted kids like i do.
...and it would be really cool if he liked listening to music in the car.
...and it would be really cool if he liked going to random places late at night for no reason.
...and it would be really cool if he didn't like texting other people when he was with real people.
...and it would be really cool if he liked to cook.
...and it would be really cool if he was semi-artistic.
...and it would be really cool if he liked driving fast.
BUT. those are the little things.....there are 4 things that are non-negotiables.
first though, i will say this, i know within a week (and usually the first time we meet) if i will never like a guy. i don't ever know if i WILL. but i know when i won't. the 3 guys i have ever really liked, i had no idea when i first met that i would...i just knew i thought they were interesting. and then after a while...6 months or more, i'm interested. haha
i also know rather quickly who i will like a little bit, but can't like a lot. those guys often like me a little too...i feel a little bad for them. oh well. happens to the best of us.
but down to what i really want to write about.
a guy i WILL NOT marry...
...has an addiction. i don't care what it is, unless he is actively fighting it. i don't care if he wants to smoke now and then. i don't care what he smokes. i don't care if he wants to drink - i wanna drink with him! but if he is physically or psychologically addicted, i won't marry him. one comment though, i will have to make a 12-yard, 12-hour rule: no smoking within 12 yards, and no kissing within 12 hours. LOL!!! it's kinda funny, but i mean it.
...is unattractive. i don't mean he thinks he is unattractive. or other people think he is unattractive. it doesn't matter what he looks like as long as i am attracted to him.
...is abusive/violent. maybe, as with the addiction, if he is learning self-control, i would marry him. but a consistently emotionally, physically, or mentally abusive guy is a DEFINATE no.
the guy i WILL marry...
...LOVES GOD and has a growing relationship with him. obviously, that implies i've known him long enough to see for myself. he will share my heart for the world...whether we are in madison, or mexico, or monterey he will be happy to invest our life into others' for the sake of the gospel. i don't mean we go to church every week, tho i think we need to be involved with christians. i don't mean we legalistically read and pray at set times every day. i mean we love God and prioritize our relationships with him before anything else. before church, before work, before each other, before our potential kids. i mean we love each other and prioritize each other more than anyone else...before our kids, before our friends, before our bosses, before family. i mean we prioritze other peoples' relationships with God pefore anything besides what i've already written about... lol
the last thing i want is a guy who doesn't love God. the second-to-last thing i want is a guy who is super-spiritual and doesn't love God. the third-to-last thing i want is a guy who kind of loves God but isn't passionate about him. we have to share that.
...THINKS. i tend to think way more than most people i talk to. or at least, i think deeper...or i think about different things - that's probably it. but i need a guy who will keep up with my brain, challenge it, and enjoy mine. it's probably good if we think differently. that's probably really good, so i don't care how he thinks, as long as we both love thinking and sorting things out. i like understanding the world i'm trying to live in, and if he's oblivious...well, honestly, i hate that. lol
i am very analytical. he can be. most guys are. i am not terribly sensetive though...some guys are. i like those guys....somehow. it's weird cause i feel like girls are supposed to be the sensetive ones, but since i'm not, i hope he will be. but that's just a hope.
...LOVES NATURE. i don't mean loves hiking. i don't mean loves hunting. i don't mean loves animals. i just mean loves nature. loves lving in it, being in it, being a part of it. someone who would sit and watch the stars all night. someone who would go barefoot just to feel the ground. someone who would stop and move a turtle out of the road. someone who would loves running up creekbeds barefoot...but who will stop and admire the intense and searing beauty around him before moving on. <--- that is my favorite thing to do. =) this one i think will be the hardest to find.
...has the right hands. i try to shake guys' hands when i meet them. because my guy will have hands that i want to hold. so far there are very few hands that i even want to touch after the first shake...they just aren't right.
...is adventurous. obviously. i am boring by myself. i need a guy who will challenge me. who will help me do things i can't do alone, but want to do. i need a guy who will do crazy things just for the heck of it. with me. sometimes i am scared. sometimes i make boring choices. sometimes i try to be safe or follow rules. hopefully not so when i'm with him.
...loves the world. isn't caged up in his own little (unreal) world.
...likes my hair. =)
well i have begun to realize, from people in my life, from people NOT in my life, and from general thinking, that i now have a fairly good idea of who i want to marry. that's what i think today, i'll be rewriting this post in less than a year i'm sure...lol
well, yes, there are all the little things,
...like it would be really cool if he liked trucks and motorcycles and sports cars.
...and it would be really cool if he liked country and classic rock.
...and it would be really cool if he liked dancing.
...and it would be really cool if he liked my family.
...and it would be really cool if his family liked me.
...and it would be really cool if he liked watching football on sunday afternoons.
...and it would be really cool if he liked driving.
...and it would be really cool if he had long hair.
...and it would be really cool if he spoke english as a 1st language and spanish as a 2nd (or 3rd of 4th...whatever, i'm not picky...).
...and it would be really cool if he liked talking.
...and it would be really cool if he wanted to move around the world (and live in madison).
...and it would be really cool if he knew how to fix cars and wanted to teach me.
...and it would be really cool if he wanted kids like i do.
...and it would be really cool if he liked listening to music in the car.
...and it would be really cool if he liked going to random places late at night for no reason.
...and it would be really cool if he didn't like texting other people when he was with real people.
...and it would be really cool if he liked to cook.
...and it would be really cool if he was semi-artistic.
...and it would be really cool if he liked driving fast.
BUT. those are the little things.....there are 4 things that are non-negotiables.
first though, i will say this, i know within a week (and usually the first time we meet) if i will never like a guy. i don't ever know if i WILL. but i know when i won't. the 3 guys i have ever really liked, i had no idea when i first met that i would...i just knew i thought they were interesting. and then after a while...6 months or more, i'm interested. haha
i also know rather quickly who i will like a little bit, but can't like a lot. those guys often like me a little too...i feel a little bad for them. oh well. happens to the best of us.
but down to what i really want to write about.
a guy i WILL NOT marry...
...has an addiction. i don't care what it is, unless he is actively fighting it. i don't care if he wants to smoke now and then. i don't care what he smokes. i don't care if he wants to drink - i wanna drink with him! but if he is physically or psychologically addicted, i won't marry him. one comment though, i will have to make a 12-yard, 12-hour rule: no smoking within 12 yards, and no kissing within 12 hours. LOL!!! it's kinda funny, but i mean it.
...is unattractive. i don't mean he thinks he is unattractive. or other people think he is unattractive. it doesn't matter what he looks like as long as i am attracted to him.
...is abusive/violent. maybe, as with the addiction, if he is learning self-control, i would marry him. but a consistently emotionally, physically, or mentally abusive guy is a DEFINATE no.
the guy i WILL marry...
...LOVES GOD and has a growing relationship with him. obviously, that implies i've known him long enough to see for myself. he will share my heart for the world...whether we are in madison, or mexico, or monterey he will be happy to invest our life into others' for the sake of the gospel. i don't mean we go to church every week, tho i think we need to be involved with christians. i don't mean we legalistically read and pray at set times every day. i mean we love God and prioritize our relationships with him before anything else. before church, before work, before each other, before our potential kids. i mean we love each other and prioritize each other more than anyone else...before our kids, before our friends, before our bosses, before family. i mean we prioritze other peoples' relationships with God pefore anything besides what i've already written about... lol
the last thing i want is a guy who doesn't love God. the second-to-last thing i want is a guy who is super-spiritual and doesn't love God. the third-to-last thing i want is a guy who kind of loves God but isn't passionate about him. we have to share that.
...THINKS. i tend to think way more than most people i talk to. or at least, i think deeper...or i think about different things - that's probably it. but i need a guy who will keep up with my brain, challenge it, and enjoy mine. it's probably good if we think differently. that's probably really good, so i don't care how he thinks, as long as we both love thinking and sorting things out. i like understanding the world i'm trying to live in, and if he's oblivious...well, honestly, i hate that. lol
i am very analytical. he can be. most guys are. i am not terribly sensetive though...some guys are. i like those guys....somehow. it's weird cause i feel like girls are supposed to be the sensetive ones, but since i'm not, i hope he will be. but that's just a hope.
...LOVES NATURE. i don't mean loves hiking. i don't mean loves hunting. i don't mean loves animals. i just mean loves nature. loves lving in it, being in it, being a part of it. someone who would sit and watch the stars all night. someone who would go barefoot just to feel the ground. someone who would stop and move a turtle out of the road. someone who would loves running up creekbeds barefoot...but who will stop and admire the intense and searing beauty around him before moving on. <--- that is my favorite thing to do. =) this one i think will be the hardest to find.
...has the right hands. i try to shake guys' hands when i meet them. because my guy will have hands that i want to hold. so far there are very few hands that i even want to touch after the first shake...they just aren't right.
...is adventurous. obviously. i am boring by myself. i need a guy who will challenge me. who will help me do things i can't do alone, but want to do. i need a guy who will do crazy things just for the heck of it. with me. sometimes i am scared. sometimes i make boring choices. sometimes i try to be safe or follow rules. hopefully not so when i'm with him.
...loves the world. isn't caged up in his own little (unreal) world.
...likes my hair. =)
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