If you need a little dose of deprecation:

Learn a foreign language!

There is no better way to feel ignorant than to say "I eat yesterday chicken" when what you meant to say was "Yesterday I ate chicken." Unless you say, "Wow - handsome!" when you'd intended to comment on how delicious the food was that your friends' Mom made for you.

And while you're at it, try feeling confused: Did he just say "Good job" or "I'm cold"? And um....did he tell me to go under the bridge and go left or go left over bridge or go left at the bridge or did he say to go right and nothing about a bridge??

Forgetful too: "How do I say 'then,' again? Oh, and what about 'I'm coming back!'?" And for some reason the word for "always" will simply NEVER stay in your head!

Inadequate and incompetent? Check! "I really just have NO IDEA what you are trying to say to me...!!"

And usually "frightened" is not the right word. Try "tengo miedo" - you just "have fear." It's like a disease, every time you open your mouth to speak a different language, instead of words there's only fear.

Finally, you'll probably feel a little like Lucy from the I Love Lucy show - she knows what she's thinking but to everyone else, she always just looks a little (or a lot) silly.

This is a small and incomplete list of all the ways that attempting to learn a foreign language can be damaging to your self esteem.

I suggest you try it.

February 7th, 6 years ago

I still remember everything about that day as if it was yesterday - not six years ago. Holding down the fort while the fam was away. The big storm had knocked out our electricity so they'd headed off to Lebanon to stay with Av and Apryl. Jo and I had sat around in the cold all day; she was doing what she did those days and I was working on a portrait for an ACE competition by candle light.

Earlier, over dinner cooked on our gas oven, we'd discovered the joys of "burning" Styrofoam cups. On mine I'd written the feelings I had for a Certain Person... We spent a lot of time during our senior year together. He wanted me but I just told Him I wasn't interested. But I was. The last time I saw Him we had a big fight, didn't say goodbye, and He never told me He was leaving. So I wrote out my frustration, hurt, confusion, and that lingering feeling that could have been love on a Styrofoam cup. Then watched in sadness and interest as all the words melted over that maroon candle. Then the call came. Jo answered and I knew by her face what Mom was saying. I even knew who it was. She didn't have to say it, but somehow the look of shock and horror in her face when she put down the phone and then put her arms around me couldn't prepare me for the words that came crashing through my mind into my heart: "It's Jesse".

Jesse, the one who had been there for me, and Him, through the whole thing. Jesse, the one who used to make me smile when nothing else would. Jesse, the one who I thought would always be there, was gone. His whole family had been killed when a semi careened into the back of their van as they sat in traffic near their home.

I remember crying for hours with my head in her lap as she stroked my hair and handed me an endless string of tissues. I remember her reading Psalms to me as I fell into a fitful sleep. I remember thinking I'd never sleep, then waking up and wishing I could just be asleep again. I remember spending hours over the next few days sitting and trying to fathom what had happened. I remember standing in church three days later bawling my eyes out. I remember my Mom putting her arm around me and not saying anything. I remember standing in little groups with my friends - no one had anything to say. I remember wishing that somehow in all this pain He would come back and help me through it - the way the three of us had done everything else together that year. I remember the rain that fell all day Tuesday - mimicking the tears that would not stop running down my face. I remember countless nights dreaming about him being alive again - half the time I thought it was real and cried when I woke up, the other half of the time I knew it wasn't real and woke up crying. I remember the last dream about him - he'd died. I remember wondering when I was going to move on - when life would go back to normal.

And now I know the answer to that question: NEVER.

That string of events was the beginning of a new normal. A normal that included more pain than I'd ever experienced before. A normal that never stopped changing.

I don't miss him anymore. I don't think about him often. But I can't forget. Losing him, losing our friendship, was the beginning of my metamorphoses from a lost teenager to an adult finding her way. There were no answers, and that is when I realized that life goes on without answers. There was so much pain that wouldn't go away, which is how I realized that in order to go on with all that pain I would have to embrace it and let it change me. There was no way to go back, and then I realized that there never would be. Ever little thing, ever big thing, combines to make me who I am. I am left wondering, who would I be today without him? Who would he be today? 

700mph

My excitement level regarding my trip to Korea went from 0 to 60 in about 5.2 minutes this morning when I met Jinroung from China.

While driving through a rain storm dismal enough to turn most excitement into pulp, I saw a girl walking down the road toward campus. I noticed her but kept driving. I drove all the way to the light where I turned right and drove around the block. When I reached where she was I rolled down my window and offered her a ride. I'm not sure how much - if any - of what I said she understood, but stopping and rolling down the window spoke as loudly to her as the look of relief and gratitude on her surprised face spoke to me. I was so happy to be helping her and so excited to be meeting an exchange student from China that I forgot to get back into the right lane and if her first impression of me was that I am a kind person, her second must've been that I am NOT the brightest crayon in the box... We drove for another half a mile to the University Service building where she got out. I'm sure I'll never see her again but hey - I was there for her when she needed someone. And because of her my excitement level about my own international experience went from cruising down a country road to roaring across 1000's of miles of air space at 700mph.

It's funny how the littlest things sometimes have the biggest impact.

Tears of Fear

What's wrong with me? Why am I so scared? When it first started I just kept thinking how nice it was and natural it felt, and then, his last kiss made me cry. Tears of fear.

I know myself, I am ambitious, motivated, and independent. Offen, those trait are manifested in selfishness and cold-heartedness. There are a few people I love, but these come in different categories. There are those who I always have loved and always will. And then there are those who fit fo a season in my life, and then I move on. Unfortunately, they don't move on and then I come across as being unfeeling, and unloving. Well, maybe I am. But people let me down, it's what they do. The only thing i can count is myself and my ability to do what I love doing. there are a handful of people who don't leave, they are all related to me. I'm not afraid to be close to them because I know they will always be my best friends, my biggest fans, and my support group. Aside from them, I have no one else who I plan or even want to stay in touch with all of my life.

At least that's what I tell myself.

But something is making me wonder, maybe I just never knew one who would stick. Maybe I never knew one who would keep on fitting. Maybe I could love someone else. And maybe that someone is Sam.

So I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll fall in love with him and then he'll leave. And I'm scared that he'll fall in love with me, and I'll leave. I can't tell which one I am more scared of...I am tired of people telling me that I am breaking their hearts. My relationships aren't meant to last, but people always hope. I can warn him, I can put distance between us, but ultimately, what good will that do? I can't control his feelings, only mine.

Do I want to love him? No. Do I want to have him in my life, yes. Do I want to give it time and see where it goes? Yes. Do I want to know what the hell he is feeling? Yes. Do I want to make this decision by myself? Yes. Do I want to break up with him? No. Do I think there is a small chance that he might stay? Yes.

But so small. So very small. When I met him, I thought this would be a casual thing that lasted for a few months and that he wouldn't be able to stick with me. But there is so much more to him than I thought then. I think. He doesn't hold too tight, but is that becaue he doesn't really want me or because he knows that I would only leave if he did? He doesn't talk to much, but is that because he respects silence or because he has nothing to say? He doesn't ever go too far, but is that because he doesn't want to make me uncomfortable, or because he is uncomfortable? He comes and spend time with me when all I'm doing is reading, is that because he's easily satisfied or because he's bored?

I like him. I like him a lot. So much, it scares me. Because I don't know how he's feeling. Am I over here falling for him, when he's just thinking that this is a fun little summer fling?

He asked me last night if i was ok, and I just said that I would be. He asked if I felt ok and I said yes. So he just kissed me again, and went home. That was the right thing to do, but did he do it because it was the right thing to do or because he didn't care enough to stay? I will learn the answers to these questions if I hold on and stick it out to get to know him better. But I have too much else in my life to get a broken heart over some guy.

But maybe he's not just "some guy". I think I can stick with it a little longer at least.

Bestfriend

In the last two years I have made and lost many good friends. Friends come and go. Six months ago I met someone who has become one of the best friends I have ever had. In one month he is moving across the country. I want to think that we will stay best friends, but I know that our friendship will change. My natural response to this situation is to hide from the facts. To shut him out now so as to not be any more hurt. But when I look back at the last two years I remember, I am stronger than I think I am. I will get through this too. Somehow, even though it hurts so much, and I feel like I will never move on, I know I will learn and grow because of it. Who I am today is, in part, because of him and because of our friendship. I will never lose that - I will always have him with me. The circumstances in my life do not dictate who I am. I make choices and deal with their consequences. When I am faced with circumstances outside of my control, I am still in control of my response. No matter what I do, and no matter what happens to me, I will keep learning, and I will keep getting stronger. Thank you, Aaron. For everything.

Honesty at 0440

"The hand of the LORD was upon me, and He brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me down in the middle of the valley; and it was full of bones. He caused me to pass among them round about, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley; and lo, they were very dry. He said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" And I answered, "Oh Lord GOD, You know."

Whoever You are, where ever You are, if You can hear me, if You care... Please know that this is my attempt at honesty.

I believe in Your existence. But I don't think that I believe in much else about You. If You are what I've learned to picture You as through the "Christian" lens, I am afraid that I might hate You. Certainly I am bitter and disillusioned. I always heard that I should have a "relationship" with You. What happened? I tried for such a long time, and did we ever have anything? Did You ever even think about me? I thought about You so much. Was I a part of Your life or do I hopelessly and futilely long for something You don't give a damn about? I heard that You are always here, why do you always seem so different? They say I just have to believe...But I don't think I do believe. I'm writing this to You, but with little hope that You can or would read it or care. Did You create me to be this confused? Did You create me for anything at all? Or was I as random and insignificant as I feel? Do You even know? Do You have anything to do with my life? Or am I writing to myself...? I've always thought that You were big enough to answer my questions if You wanted to... Does that mean that You don't want to? Or does it mean that You don't care? Or maybe You decided that I don't need my questions answered. I figure You know all the answers. That's about all I have figured out. If You're there, if You care, and want to help me out, I might be down with that. But I won't promise anything in return. If you have been paying any attention to me, You'll know why. It's because I can't feel You, so I don't know how to keep promises I make to You. I'd be lying if I said I love You or trust You or believe in You or want a relationship with You. Mostly I just want to stop being so confused and wonder if You can help me. I don't deserve anything, but I know I can't change anything about me to alter that fact. I guess that means it's up to You.

another happy post?!

...this has got to be a record. somebody please take the time to appreciate it.

thank you.

ok, now that i've got that out of the way, i can actually write the happy post. pretty much, it's about being nice.

i heard this quote in a silly movie i watched a few weeks ago, "the fastest way to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time." (actually, i heard the quote twice, because the DVD was messed up...)

to me, that sounds at least somewhat true. i don't know that there is any way to know what the "fastest" way to anyone's heart is, but the idea seems legitimate.

any gift you give to someone shows that you were thinking about them. a gift at an unexpected time most likely means that you thought about them even though there wasn't really any objective reason like christmas or their birthday. a gift at an unexpected time will most likely be an unexpected gift, so i think saying "an unexpected gift" might have been more accurately (though less poetically) described as "a unique gift".

a few days ago i received an extremely unique gift at a very unexpected time, and for sure - it touched my heart.

i started thinking of how easy it would be to give unique gifts to people at unexpected times... the gift given to me was not the kind of gift that *i* can really give to anyone else, but there are so many other gifts! time is a gift- often unexpected. a smile is a gift and each one is unique. a kind word is often the only gift needed. a simple note of appreciation or encouragement can go a long way. and, if you have money and a little more creativity, the list is endless.

so i'm trying to open my eyes and see the people in my life. not for what they can do for me, but for opportunities to give them small gifts that will hopefully show that they are valued. simply for existing.

thoughtful. caring. nice. whatever you want to call it, can it really be that hard? it's so simple.