wait and see

over the past few months, one concept has been repeatedly branded into my mind. maybe it's because there is so much i don't know, want to know, but can't know yet. maybe it's because this summer i have been forced to be patient. maybe it's because i've had to slow down. maybe it's because i'm too scared to do anything else.

regardless, it is the concept of slowing down, taking time, waiting patiently, and letting things work out. more and more frequently, i find myself saying things like, "just wait" "if it's important, i will figure it out" "we will see" "i didn't mind waiting" "wait and see" "we can do that later" "not long- only 4 months" "give it time" and "time will tell".

i find this mindset affecting more and more of my life.

it started with the whole area of a boyfriend (not mine)...should i date him or should i break up with him? there are 2 voices inside me telling me 2 different things? are they my head and my heart? are they both my head? the answer? wait. in a relatively short time, the 2 voices will agree much more, and then follow them. less than a month later, the questions were answered. the heart a little sore, but the lesson learned.

next, i saw it affecting the way i think about guys. i used to think that if a guy liked me and i didn't like him, well, that was the end. what else is there to do, think, or say? well, what if i took the time to get to know him and see what happens? what have we lost if i still don't "like" him in the end? i saw that just because i don't think or feel a certain way now, given time, i could change if i wanted to. also, just because a guy leaves my life for a summer, doesn't mean i assume i will never talk to him again. only time will tell that.

directly related to that is the way i think about my friendships. toward the end of last semester i met a whole group of people who i really like, and really hope to spend more time with this coming semester. i spent a lot of time with one person in particular, we got along great, could talk for hours, laughed at the same things, and told each other we could always stay that way. maybe we could. maybe we still can. i have no objection to spending lots of time with a new friend and getting to know them quickly; however, i have realized that there are some things about a person that only time can tell. we don't know each other very well at all. in that same group there are plenty of other people. 3 of them i started to get to know better and am very much looking forward to continuing those friendships more deeply when they come back for fall classes. i appreciate those friendships more because they are more natural. we are taking the time to get to know each other more broadly as well as deeply.

another specific friendship has majorly influenced and enforced my thoughts on this topic, but i think it merits its own post.

the impact of letting things happen more naturally reaches further than just relationships.

it affects the whole way i view my life.

i am not saying that i have no control over or say in what happens. not saying that at all! adversely, i think that every choice i make affects the me and my future in some way. however, i think that i should make the choices i make to the best of my ability, and then wait patiently to see what their consequences are. if i see problems, i should do my best to address them, but i can't expect to solve them overnight. sometime i can't know yet. i can't know what will happen with a certain guy this fall until this fall; however, i should take the time i have now to determine what i am ok with and to get ready for anything. if, by the time he gets back, i haven't determined that or i'm not ready, then i should just keep waiting.

simply put, i only have the present.

i should wait for the future because the best way to prepare for the future is to let it take care of itself as i take care of the present.

my next step is the one in front of me; not necessarily the one i want to be on, but the only way to get to where i want to be is to start from where i'm at.

my life is a path. i can't be anywhere but where i am. i will live in the moment, taking each step as it comes, letting time take care of the future; and hopefully i never stop walking.