Honesty at 0440

"The hand of the LORD was upon me, and He brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me down in the middle of the valley; and it was full of bones. He caused me to pass among them round about, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley; and lo, they were very dry. He said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" And I answered, "Oh Lord GOD, You know."

Whoever You are, where ever You are, if You can hear me, if You care... Please know that this is my attempt at honesty.

I believe in Your existence. But I don't think that I believe in much else about You. If You are what I've learned to picture You as through the "Christian" lens, I am afraid that I might hate You. Certainly I am bitter and disillusioned. I always heard that I should have a "relationship" with You. What happened? I tried for such a long time, and did we ever have anything? Did You ever even think about me? I thought about You so much. Was I a part of Your life or do I hopelessly and futilely long for something You don't give a damn about? I heard that You are always here, why do you always seem so different? They say I just have to believe...But I don't think I do believe. I'm writing this to You, but with little hope that You can or would read it or care. Did You create me to be this confused? Did You create me for anything at all? Or was I as random and insignificant as I feel? Do You even know? Do You have anything to do with my life? Or am I writing to myself...? I've always thought that You were big enough to answer my questions if You wanted to... Does that mean that You don't want to? Or does it mean that You don't care? Or maybe You decided that I don't need my questions answered. I figure You know all the answers. That's about all I have figured out. If You're there, if You care, and want to help me out, I might be down with that. But I won't promise anything in return. If you have been paying any attention to me, You'll know why. It's because I can't feel You, so I don't know how to keep promises I make to You. I'd be lying if I said I love You or trust You or believe in You or want a relationship with You. Mostly I just want to stop being so confused and wonder if You can help me. I don't deserve anything, but I know I can't change anything about me to alter that fact. I guess that means it's up to You.