Tears of Fear

What's wrong with me? Why am I so scared? When it first started I just kept thinking how nice it was and natural it felt, and then, his last kiss made me cry. Tears of fear.

I know myself, I am ambitious, motivated, and independent. Offen, those trait are manifested in selfishness and cold-heartedness. There are a few people I love, but these come in different categories. There are those who I always have loved and always will. And then there are those who fit fo a season in my life, and then I move on. Unfortunately, they don't move on and then I come across as being unfeeling, and unloving. Well, maybe I am. But people let me down, it's what they do. The only thing i can count is myself and my ability to do what I love doing. there are a handful of people who don't leave, they are all related to me. I'm not afraid to be close to them because I know they will always be my best friends, my biggest fans, and my support group. Aside from them, I have no one else who I plan or even want to stay in touch with all of my life.

At least that's what I tell myself.

But something is making me wonder, maybe I just never knew one who would stick. Maybe I never knew one who would keep on fitting. Maybe I could love someone else. And maybe that someone is Sam.

So I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll fall in love with him and then he'll leave. And I'm scared that he'll fall in love with me, and I'll leave. I can't tell which one I am more scared of...I am tired of people telling me that I am breaking their hearts. My relationships aren't meant to last, but people always hope. I can warn him, I can put distance between us, but ultimately, what good will that do? I can't control his feelings, only mine.

Do I want to love him? No. Do I want to have him in my life, yes. Do I want to give it time and see where it goes? Yes. Do I want to know what the hell he is feeling? Yes. Do I want to make this decision by myself? Yes. Do I want to break up with him? No. Do I think there is a small chance that he might stay? Yes.

But so small. So very small. When I met him, I thought this would be a casual thing that lasted for a few months and that he wouldn't be able to stick with me. But there is so much more to him than I thought then. I think. He doesn't hold too tight, but is that becaue he doesn't really want me or because he knows that I would only leave if he did? He doesn't talk to much, but is that because he respects silence or because he has nothing to say? He doesn't ever go too far, but is that because he doesn't want to make me uncomfortable, or because he is uncomfortable? He comes and spend time with me when all I'm doing is reading, is that because he's easily satisfied or because he's bored?

I like him. I like him a lot. So much, it scares me. Because I don't know how he's feeling. Am I over here falling for him, when he's just thinking that this is a fun little summer fling?

He asked me last night if i was ok, and I just said that I would be. He asked if I felt ok and I said yes. So he just kissed me again, and went home. That was the right thing to do, but did he do it because it was the right thing to do or because he didn't care enough to stay? I will learn the answers to these questions if I hold on and stick it out to get to know him better. But I have too much else in my life to get a broken heart over some guy.

But maybe he's not just "some guy". I think I can stick with it a little longer at least.