That one thing...

We always told ourselves we wouldn't regret anything.

We loved, and if we lost in the end, so be it because the important part is that we loved.

And that is what happened.

I have no regrets for loving him. The love we had was a love we fought for, a love we fed and watered and cared for, a love that had seen more than its share of obstacles. No, it wasn't what I thought it would be, but now I see so clearly that it was exactly what I wanted. I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone. No regrets.

I'm tempted to regret all the time I spent away from him.
I'm tempted to regret all the shit I put him through.
I'm tempted to regret letting him love me so much.
I'm tempted to regret the mistakes I made along the way.

But I can't.

No, love is too beautiful to tarnish with all those regrets.

Only, there's that one thing.

That one little thing I never said, the one conversation I knew at the time was important, but somehow it never happened. Maybe I was scared, maybe I thought it was too soon in the relationship, maybe I didn't think it would change anything, maybe I just didn't know myself well enough to realize that way back in August of 2013, one afternoon's worth of talk, could've changed the rest of my life...

I’ll never forget the first time he brought up his newest idea for his immediate future. It was on a beautiful stretch of I-40 heading west out of the Smokies. We’d just spent almost a week together on a road trip that showed everything that was so perfect about us. The man I’d fallen in love with over the course of the summer turned to me and asked me, “What would you think if I joined the Air Force?”

My heart, which had so recently begun cherishing the tiny hope that this might be the one I’d get to spend the rest of my life with, jumped into my throat, preventing me from answering right away. I wanted to scream out “NO!!! No…don’t leave me! Don’t leave…” But I choked it back, put on a slight smile, and responded: “Wow, well if that’s what you want then I’d support you!” He eagerly responded that yes, it was what he wanted. He’d thought about joining the military for over a decade, but this time he was serious.

I knew he was serious. I knew he would never have brought it up if he wasn’t serious. So what choice did I have? Of course I was going to support him. Six months in, I couldn’t go tearing down his dreams. I told myself everything would work out fine, that we could get through it, that my doubts were unfounded.

After that it all happened so fast.

The phone calls, the visits, the pamphlets and then it was over. His decision was made. He was so excited, and I knew he’d made the perfect move for his career, so I was excited for him.

But still, all I could feel was that voice screaming “No! Don’t leave – don’t leave me…”

The way I saw it, that voice wasn’t just mine. It was his. It was his voice taunting in the background, “But I AM leaving. This is perfect for me, and our relationship…well, sorry.” All I could see was how he had chosen a life that would inevitably tear him away from me. And I couldn’t forgive.

Time went on and we went about our lives. He was on the delayed entry program because of his specialty, I went to Korea. He started working out and eating healthy to get in shape, I did the same in a show of support and solidarity. But still the voice kept whispering, “He chose the Navy ahead of you.” And all I could tell myself was that my only choice was to have my own priority.

Of course, I already had it. Travelling. The love of my life. My dream. My passion.

The night we met I’d begun telling him about my plans and dreams for travelling the world. At the time I had no idea that I would in time learn to love him more than anything except those dreams. He was just a cute guy. But as time went on, he became my life. I dreamed of some day, in a few years after I graduated, travelling together, looking for work in a place we could both enjoy – we both had studied German after all, maybe Germany! He mentioned he’d thought about moving to Seattle, and I thought happily “Why not?? Who knows, maybe this will turn into love, and maybe it’ll turn into some sort of sweet compromise…” But then that voice that kept prompting me “He chose a path that leaves you behind…”

And somewhere along the way, I listened to that voice, and began looking for my own path.

And then I found it, when I went to Peru and fell in love with the culture. All of a sudden, there was no room for compromise, there was just the way he saw his life, and the way I saw mine. There was no more of that “maybe we can work it out” because somewhere along the way, all of the things that we’d left unsaid became so much more important than the things we did say.

It all happened so fast.

The texts, the apologies, the tears and then it was over. The decision was made.

I tell myself that I should never regret anything, but how can I look myself in the mirror knowing that I had so many chances….

What if I’d opened my mind a little earlier to the fact that loving someone with all of my heart, was just as old of a dream as travelling the world?

What if I’d told him that I wanted to build a future with him instead of insisting that my dreams and the way I saw them were the way it had to be?

What if I’d listened to that little voice and simply asked him not to leave me that sunny day in August?

What if I’d explained to him that in my mind we had the next two years to invest in our relationship before I had to choose my next step?

What if I’d had the courage to “jeopardize” our new relationship by telling him that I thought joining the military was the worst idea he’d ever shared with me?

What if I’d confessed to him about that little voice and allowed him to explain himself, forgiven him, and looked for that compromise?

What if I’d allowed myself to believe that he really did love me as much as he said, and that he really would’ve done anything for us?

What if I’d realized that he was never asking me to choose between my dreams and being with him?

What if I’d admitted to myself that the problem was mine, not his?

What if I’d held onto the compromise idea I had so long ago?

What if I could go back and explain to myself that no matter what I felt for anyone or anything else in the world, I have feelings for him that go deeper than anything I’ve ever experienced?

No regrets?

Impossible!

Just as loving him touched me in ways I am only now beginning to understand. Losing him – driving him away! Evokes an immense depth of bitterness against myself for that stupid stupid stupid moment in August when I smiled and said “Wow, well if that’s what you want then I’d support you!” instead of crying out “NO!!! No…don’t leave me! Don’t leave…” 

Numbness and self-loathing

Today, walking through the hall at work, on my way to check something insignificant, I had a very significant thought.

"At least I feel something different today than yesterday..."

And then I stopped, I almost yelled outloud and almost smiled. It hit me, "I just thought, 'I feel something!!'"

And I realized it was true.

For the first time in three weeks I feel something besides pain, sadness, and loss. It's self-loathing, but at least I feel something.

See, this numbness goes back a long way. It was my constant companion for years back when I was a teenager. Depression held onto me like a bad cough that just doesn't leave. For years I went through the motions of life, wishing I could just feel something. I tried starving myself, I tried eating myself sick, I tried all the painkiller my body could handle, I tried self-inflicted physical pain, I tried burying myself in school, I tried dedicating myself to a god I desperately attempted to believe in, I tried to be obsessed with any cute guy who looked my way. In short, I tried ever legal negative method in the book.

Why?

To feel better? No. To feel anything.

It worked, more or less. But I was always left with the throbbing emptiness of...nothing. No feelings.

And that's what depression does.

I finally learned, after years of just barely getting by, that all those methods really sucked. They actually didn't work. Slowly, so very slowly, I learned how to see the good in life, the healthy way. Did you know that sidewalks have glitter in them? I learned that looking down just wanting to feel better. It was like a revelation! Even as I stumbled numbly through life, looking at my feet, not even caring where they were taking me, I looked down and saw the sidewalk smiling at me.

And ever since he day I realized that, I've learned that they best - and for me the only - way to deal with, conquer, and really beat depression is to see those little tiny things that make me smile, and let them make me smile!

I still have bad days, but it's been a while now since depression really had a good run at me.

But in the last three weeks, I've felt something that, believe it or not, is worse than that.

Yes, because for me, depression is all just in my head. It IS in my head, it is very real, and it is formidable. Bu it is just in my head. The only thing wrong is that everything is wrong.

So recently, experiencing something worse is paralyzing. I never learned how to deal with a numbness that actually has a cause.

All I can do is sit here and hope that some day, sooner or later, I'll start feeling something again. I tell myself I am happy when I am with my family. I tell myself I am sad to leave a place I love. I tell myself I am tired of school. I tell myself I am scared of the life changes coming my way. But the fact is, I just know that I would be feeling that way if there were any feelings. They aren't really there.

Then today, out of the blue, I felt something!

Why self-loathing is the first emotion I've felt in three weeks is a different story for a different day, but in some twisted way, it's progress. And for that, I tell myself I feel thankful.