Today, walking through the hall at work, on my way to check something insignificant, I had a very significant thought.
"At least I feel something different today than yesterday..."
And then I stopped, I almost yelled outloud and almost smiled. It hit me, "I just thought, 'I feel something!!'"
And I realized it was true.
For the first time in three weeks I feel something besides pain, sadness, and loss. It's self-loathing, but at least I feel something.
See, this numbness goes back a long way. It was my constant companion for years back when I was a teenager. Depression held onto me like a bad cough that just doesn't leave. For years I went through the motions of life, wishing I could just feel something. I tried starving myself, I tried eating myself sick, I tried all the painkiller my body could handle, I tried self-inflicted physical pain, I tried burying myself in school, I tried dedicating myself to a god I desperately attempted to believe in, I tried to be obsessed with any cute guy who looked my way. In short, I tried ever legal negative method in the book.
Why?
To feel better? No. To feel anything.
It worked, more or less. But I was always left with the throbbing emptiness of...nothing. No feelings.
And that's what depression does.
I finally learned, after years of just barely getting by, that all those methods really sucked. They actually didn't work. Slowly, so very slowly, I learned how to see the good in life, the healthy way. Did you know that sidewalks have glitter in them? I learned that looking down just wanting to feel better. It was like a revelation! Even as I stumbled numbly through life, looking at my feet, not even caring where they were taking me, I looked down and saw the sidewalk smiling at me.
And ever since he day I realized that, I've learned that they best - and for me the only - way to deal with, conquer, and really beat depression is to see those little tiny things that make me smile, and let them make me smile!
I still have bad days, but it's been a while now since depression really had a good run at me.
But in the last three weeks, I've felt something that, believe it or not, is worse than that.
Yes, because for me, depression is all just in my head. It IS in my head, it is very real, and it is formidable. Bu it is just in my head. The only thing wrong is that everything is wrong.
So recently, experiencing something worse is paralyzing. I never learned how to deal with a numbness that actually has a cause.
All I can do is sit here and hope that some day, sooner or later, I'll start feeling something again. I tell myself I am happy when I am with my family. I tell myself I am sad to leave a place I love. I tell myself I am tired of school. I tell myself I am scared of the life changes coming my way. But the fact is, I just know that I would be feeling that way if there were any feelings. They aren't really there.
Then today, out of the blue, I felt something!
Why self-loathing is the first emotion I've felt in three weeks is a different story for a different day, but in some twisted way, it's progress. And for that, I tell myself I feel thankful.
"At least I feel something different today than yesterday..."
And then I stopped, I almost yelled outloud and almost smiled. It hit me, "I just thought, 'I feel something!!'"
And I realized it was true.
For the first time in three weeks I feel something besides pain, sadness, and loss. It's self-loathing, but at least I feel something.
See, this numbness goes back a long way. It was my constant companion for years back when I was a teenager. Depression held onto me like a bad cough that just doesn't leave. For years I went through the motions of life, wishing I could just feel something. I tried starving myself, I tried eating myself sick, I tried all the painkiller my body could handle, I tried self-inflicted physical pain, I tried burying myself in school, I tried dedicating myself to a god I desperately attempted to believe in, I tried to be obsessed with any cute guy who looked my way. In short, I tried ever legal negative method in the book.
Why?
To feel better? No. To feel anything.
It worked, more or less. But I was always left with the throbbing emptiness of...nothing. No feelings.
And that's what depression does.
I finally learned, after years of just barely getting by, that all those methods really sucked. They actually didn't work. Slowly, so very slowly, I learned how to see the good in life, the healthy way. Did you know that sidewalks have glitter in them? I learned that looking down just wanting to feel better. It was like a revelation! Even as I stumbled numbly through life, looking at my feet, not even caring where they were taking me, I looked down and saw the sidewalk smiling at me.
And ever since he day I realized that, I've learned that they best - and for me the only - way to deal with, conquer, and really beat depression is to see those little tiny things that make me smile, and let them make me smile!
I still have bad days, but it's been a while now since depression really had a good run at me.
But in the last three weeks, I've felt something that, believe it or not, is worse than that.
Yes, because for me, depression is all just in my head. It IS in my head, it is very real, and it is formidable. Bu it is just in my head. The only thing wrong is that everything is wrong.
So recently, experiencing something worse is paralyzing. I never learned how to deal with a numbness that actually has a cause.
All I can do is sit here and hope that some day, sooner or later, I'll start feeling something again. I tell myself I am happy when I am with my family. I tell myself I am sad to leave a place I love. I tell myself I am tired of school. I tell myself I am scared of the life changes coming my way. But the fact is, I just know that I would be feeling that way if there were any feelings. They aren't really there.
Then today, out of the blue, I felt something!
Why self-loathing is the first emotion I've felt in three weeks is a different story for a different day, but in some twisted way, it's progress. And for that, I tell myself I feel thankful.
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