1st Post in the Current Series: Let's Fucking Talk

Sunday, January 15th, 11:54am

Curled up on the cement shower floor, water everywhere, tears everywhere, not sure how I got there, and not sure I wanted to get out.

The overwhelming pain pounded in my head, deafening the far-away voice of my own words to others in similar situations. The hopelessness relentlessly clouded my vision and in the absence of logic and love my tunnel vision saw two objects - two options.

The pain - the accumulated loss of 26 years - saw the glass shower door, my spring-loaded legs, and the wrists where I had so naively carved the words that I thought would keep me from ever reaching this point again.

The memories, the accumulated love of 26 years, begged my tired body to just stand up and pick up my phone. And text someone - anyone: a voice through the noise raging in my mind - a link to the world I knew I could somehow get back to, if I could just find the hope, the courage.

The clock ticked.

The water ran.

The breaths came quick and shallow, the tears strong and desperate.

The glass door glistened.

The cell phone wasn’t falling into my hands on its own.

The silence screamed.

The pain battered my broken heart and mind.

The battle raged.

The choice was made.

12:30

A friend receives the following text: “I need help.”

“Please help me.”

Three of the hardest words for me to say. Two of the most important text messages of my life. One of the most difficult decisions I have ever made.

Sunday’s battle... Won.

I am a writer. I have a passion for communication. And as difficult as this is...

Let’s talk.

Let’s talk about why most of you have no idea I have days like that. (Hours, days, weeks…)

Let’s talk about how many of you know exactly how I felt.

Let’s talk about WHY WE NEVER FUCKING TALK ABOUT THIS. (Hashtag: not even a little bit sorry for the language.)

Let’s talk about the people who helped save my life.

But let’s not talk about it yet.

Because I’m tired. Sunday’s battle was won, but the war rages on.

Before I close shop (laptop) for the day, however, I want to address a question that I’m fairly certain many of you are asking: “Why is she talking about such a personal topic in such a public forum?”

The answer is simple: this issue is as public as it is personal.

Face it.

If you are reading this, you would have been affected had I chosen a different option at 12:30 on Sunday afternoon.

Furthermore.

Whether you know who they are, you know plenty of people who have - or have had - similar choices. Some of them chose the glass. Some of them chose the cell phone.

Those are the ones you may not know about. And maybe it’s because they don’t want you to know, or maybe it’s because they don’t know how to tell you.

And finally.

What if you had received that text?

What would you have done? What would you have said?

We need to talk about this, friends.

Do I feel up to the task? No.

Am I trying anyway? Stay tuned for the rest of those topics.