maybe i will write about what i am really thinking about

naturally, it has to do with guys. especially one guy. but it has as much to do with all the other ones out there too.... one feels more personal, but i know he's not. he is nothing to me: we were friends, but his life has moved on, and now, our friendship is a pale shadow of what it used to be, fading into a memory...

yeah, so we were friends. there was nothing more and there was nothing less.

that was summer 2009.

but the summer ended as do all summers...and our paths parted. i wanted to stay friends, and it hurt to know that he didn't really care that much. but such is life, i learned to live with it.

we parted as friends.

there was nothing more and there was nothing less.

only...the seeds of more were sown, and as always happens when the seeds of more are sown, the seeds of less were sown right along with them.

what changed? nothing. only, when i thought about him leaving my life, i was jealous of the other people he choose to spend his last days with. when i thought about the times we'd spent over the summer, i knew it could be another 19 years before i would know someone with whom i felt so at home. when i thought about how well we got along, i didn't care about the problems we had.

then, for months, there was nothing. i saw nothing of him. i thought nothing about him. i felt nothing for him.

the little things go big

isn't that how life works? all the little things seem so big while we are in them, but in the end, it's just another little thing...

it's weird to see the way my life is now. it's weird to see the way my mind changes and grows; to see the way my heart beats and breaks; the way friendships build and crumble; the way school drags and runs away; the way the future crystalizes and blurs... every freakin day.

i see the lives of the people around me changing so quickly and so definately, but i feel the same. it's like watching the world go by in slow motion as i slip into rewind.

but i know that i have to be changing too.

i want to change my major. that's a change.

i have a bunch of new friends this semester. that's a change.

i have to make plans for this summer. that's a change.

i love drinking tea. that's a change.

i wanted to move into a house with 4 other girls. that's a change.

i look for ways to spend time with people. that's a change.

i cut my hair. that's a change.

i have 5 piercings. that's a change.

i want a place to call home. that's a change.

i have stopped looking for a guy who "fits". that's a change.

i want to be an artist. that's a change.

i am learning that it's not always better to be stronger. that's a change.

i fight every day to be the person i want to be. that's a change.

......maybe that's all, maybe there's more, but i think i have proven to myself that i am changing along with the rest of the world. it's a good feeling, but so strange! i feel like this thing called life just keeps getting more and more complex, but less and less complicated.

and ironic.

that's what life seems to me - a big irony. the timing of life. the people in life. the desires in life. the problems in life. "when you have more than you want, you think you need. and when you think more than you want, your thoughts begin to bleed. i think i need to find a bigger place, cause when you have more than you think, you need more space."

and no, that didn't make much sense to me either.

;)