tired (and scared)

so naturally, my mind is full.

full of fear.

but why? where did it come from? there was a time in my life when i would've said that i wasn't scared of anything. now? now i am scared of everything. fear dictates everything i do, and especially everything i don't do. i say "no" out of habit, to almost any question that's asked me. and it's all because of fear.

i wish i could point to one specific time when the fear first started. maybe it's always been here, but i'm just now starting to feel its effects. or maybe when i was young, i was never challenged, so there truly was no fear.

...but somewhere along the way, fear began to tell me that i should stay away from any situation that i couldn't be in total control of. fear began to tell me that i should hide who i really am cause otherwise i wouldn't "fit". fear began to tell me that i would never measure up. fear began to tell me that i had to keep distance- mental, emotional, and physical, cause otherwise, people might find out that i'm flawed. fear began to tell me that it's better to be safe than sorry.

so here i've been attempting to stay safe and instead i am incredibly sorry.

ironic, don't you think?

all those quotes... "better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." "if you never try you'll never know." "just do it." i always wanted them to inspire me, but i think instead they just scared me.

the most recent was this, "now could be the time to change that." but the difference was that instead of some lame quote on a facebook quote wall or a t-shirt, it was a real person. a real person that i desperately wanted to say "yes" to, but instead i said no. why? cause i wanted to say no? cause i thought it was right to say no? NO! all because i was too damn scared to say yes! granted, the fears were legitimate fears, but what was i thinking? i KNOW what happens when i say no! it's what i've done my whole life. i only have those fears cause i've never faced them. i have no idea what would've happened if i'd said yes- and now i've lost my chance.

i never try, so i never know.

but how to change?

that chance is gone...that's a chance i actually wanted, but i have to let it go. sigh.... what other chances can i take? there's a reason i don't have many chances anymore: i've chosen so many safe paths that now the chances are few and far between. and when they do come, well. i'm scared and so slow...it takes patience to get to me, and most chances only come along once in life. so i let them go, and they let me go.

so how to change?

i will face my fears. it will take such a torturously long time, but i will do it. so please, give me one more chance...!