Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

I've struggled with "body image issues" for a very long time. As in, over a decade. I remember the first time I thought I was fat. (I wasn't fat.) I remember comparing myself to the skinniest girls in my class and thinking I must be fat and therefore undesirable. The next few months were emotionally taxing on me due to a completely unrelated cause, but during that time I turned to food to feel better.

Throughout all of high school I went through cycles of berating and starving myself peppered with way over-eating sprees. Every night for years and years I would review what I'd eaten and done that day, pick out what I'd done wrong, (Basically, had I eaten anything?) and promise myself I would do better. EVERY NIGHT. For FIVE years.

The trend continued after high school and followed me as I wandered around the country and worked various jobs for a couple years. During that time my wight hovered between 155 and 165lbs. My self-worth centered entirely on what I'd eaten and if I thought I'd lost weight.

When I started college I became more active, walking to and between classes, and working many hours a week at a restaurant. I lost weight. But the struggle continued. I hated my body. I no longer went to bed thinking about what i'd eaten, but I woke up every morning, felt my stomach to see if it seemed smaller, and avoided mirrors at any cost.

After 10 years of this, I wrote the following except in my journal.

Why am I so unhappy and dissatisfied with my body?

I have a lot of flaws:
I have a lot more hair in some pretty undesirable places than girls should have.
My face and chin are round and undefined.
My thumbs are weird.
My chest went from a DD to a C in less than 8 months.
My stomach holds onto fat no matter what I eat and do.
My hips are very big and my thighs are enormous.
No matter how often I shave, my skin is so light that the hair is visible underneath it.
My teeth are crooked and I have an extra tooth that makes me look like a vampire.
My skin is so white that now my friends tease me that I am a ghost.
My big toe is too big and my little toe is too little.
My bottom lip is disproportionately big compared to my upper lip, and they are always dry.
My nipples are always shrunken and never look full or attractive.
I still get pimples regularly.
My hair is always tangled and never stays where I put it.
My eyes are not bright, interesting, or unique in any way.
My knees are knobby even thought my legs are so fat.

By this account, my flaws are indeed great. But far and away, the one that bothers me most is my perceived size.

I say perceived because I don't even know what I really look like. I've spent the last nine years telling myself that I am fat and if I could just lose some weight I would be happy. But now I am just disillusioned on so many levels.

I remember when my sister used to weight about 160lbs. In the months leading up to her wedding she lost 15lbs and I remember thinking how skinny she looked. I looked in the mirror at my 155lb body and told myself that if I could just be as skinny as she was, then I would be beautiful and stop thinking about my weight and appearance.

In the next few year, however, I consistently gained weight, peaking at 170lbs the summer before my freshman year in college. That first year in school I lost about 10lbs and the next summer another 15. That was what Esther weighed in all those gorgeous and skinny wedding pictures.

So if I weigh the same as she did, how am I still so fat?

How do I still look the same after losing 25lbs to a healthy 145lbs? How is it that the jeans I wore 3 years ago fall off of me, the pajamas that were tight a year ago are now baggy, and the sweatshirt I bought 2 months ago is now loose...but I'm not any smaller?

How skinny will I have to get before I finally feel skinny? Are the clothes or the mirrors lying? How can I learn to see myself the way I really am?! I just want to know what's wrong with me - is my body that hideous, or are my eyes deceiving me? How can I learn to love and accept my body with all its flaws?

I've told myself for years that this will happen when I'm skinny. But what is "skinny"? After losing 25lbs I can't see the difference. What if I lost 25 more? Maybe then I would feel small. Maybe then I would love my body and finally believe that I am attractive and worth loving. But what if 25 more lbs isn't enough? Will anything ever be enough...

It seems, however, that I am not alone in this quest for perfection. Everywhere on magazines, in adds, and on every internet page is some product that will supposedly get me my dream body. Most of them claim that they don't include "restrictive diets, boring cardio, or gym visits." But then I looked at the pictures they included. These people looked like me. One even showed "before" and "after" pictures from 185lbs to 140lbs. I told myself "That's what I weigh. Is that what I look like?"

So this is my goal - just for this coming week: stop looking in the mirror to judge my body, stop pinching my fat to see if it's shrunk, stop telling myself what I should look like. Instead, eat good healthy food on a regular basis, exercise a little every day, and every day find one thing about my body that I like.

New mind. New eyes. New attitude... = MY "DREAM BODY".

Changing ones mind and eyes and attitude after ten years of thinking a certain way is a huge and difficult task. But I wrote that eight months ago, and yesterday I wrote this...

It's really odd to wake up in the morning and not think about how I can get skinnier. It's really weird to plans meals without asking myself if they will help me lose weight. It's really strange to look in the mirror and admire my body instead of judging it. It's really odd to choose outfits based on how I feel like looking, the weather, and what I'm doing as opposed to choosing it if I think it will make me look thinner.

All those years chasing down the fantasy - how I wanted to look. do I look like that now? haha! No. Not really.

Yes, I've lost a little weight, toned up a bit, and learned to dress and take care of my body to emphasize what I view as my more attractive aspects. But when I look in the mirror I certainly do not see the perfect model I used to think I wanted to look like.

So my body changed a little, but what really changed? Something in my mind. Many things in my mind actually.

First, I realized that I will NEVER have a "perfect" body.
Second, I recognized that my view of my body is often exaggerated if not plain wrong.
Third, I set myself on the path toward a healthy body.
Finally, I understood that I could never accept anyone else's love and appreciation for my body if I didn't love and appreciate it myself.

No longer was the struggle just about me. I saw that my struggle had real and hurtful affects on those around me, those I love the most.

Now, I strive to give my body the same care and attention I give my mind (and my grades). I look at it with eyes to see the good. Those "flaws" are just the unique pieces that make up the puzzle of who I am. The weaknesses are opportunities to grow. But nothing about my body is inherently bad or ugly! Perception is everything.

So I wake up in the morning and think about how the sun is shining through the blinds and casting a nice, human shadow on the wall. I put on some clothes, look in the mirror, and notice how they compliment my extra-curvy curves. I look in the mirror and see...ME.

Is the struggle over? NO.
Do I have negative thoughts every day? Yes.
Will this last for the rest of my life? Quite possibly.
Am I still winning? MOST DEFINITELY.