Pain-filled Love

Seven weeks had past since the last time she's heard his voice. Seven weeks? Or was it seven years? For in that time she had come to know herself better than ever before. What was it she missed? Was it his strong support in the face of her own faltering confidence? Or was it his gentle reprimands in the face of her unwavering, unrealistic drive for perfection? 

She remebered clearly the last time she'd seen him. He stood there under the awning watching as she darted through the rain to the small, teal car that would only begin the separation. As she turned to look back at him one last time, her heart full of sadness and her eye brimming with tears, he raised one hand in a gesture of hope and of goodbye. All the next day she waited impatiently for the call that would assure her he had arrived "safely" at his intended destination - boot camp. 

When the call finally came at 1600, Monday, April 8, he had only a small amount of news to give: "Still in Nashville waiting for the flight - I'll call later." But she'd missed the call, and several following it. Why? An ill-timed trip to the bathroom, a silenced phone in class, and an unfamiliar number - any number of reasons.

Throughout those seven weeks she trusted his love in the absence of his voice and his touch. It seemed odd to her that the girl who had scarcely two months before wept at the prospect of saying goodbye, had lived through weeks of near total separation. That letter she hoped to receive every Thursday was the small thread that kept her moving forward. 

Every night as she turned out the lights she thought of the man who was not there to hold her. Most nights she shed at least a few tears. In the mornings she woke up to an empty apartment and an empty heart. As she looked at herself in her small mirror she'd ask herself, "Who is that girl?" More importantly, "Who is that man who has so completely stolen my heart that I can't seem to live without him?" 

But that was the wrong question. 

Because she COULD live without him, and she did. Through the most bitter and searing pain she walked, limped, crawled, but always, always continued. Why? Because more important than any fear or hurt was the all-pervasive knowledge, "I love him." 

As the days turned into weeks, she wondered if she'd romanticized the whole thing. Love? What is love? This is just pain. But as the time of separation drew to a close she had come to realize that "love" consists of many things, including pain. And patience. And trust. And often, more pain. Through the desert of searing loneliness their love had taken her, and finally, as the seventh week dawned, she felt a cool breeze and looked up to see she'd nearly arrived at the other side.

Then his call came. Seven weeks and one hour since the last call. She knew it was him. All she could manage to say was, "Hi!" They talked and then paused, reveling in the fact that they were finally able to hear each other's voices. Those three words could never suffice. "I miss you" could never begin to explore the depth of emotion through which they had each traveled in the last seven weeks. Only seven weeks? In that short time they'd both come to realize more deeply than they'd ever imagined just what it means to "miss" someone, and just what it means to "love" someone. 

The day of their reunion finally arrived and the longing for his voice, his touch, nearly consumed her. He seemed so near! But the heat and loneliness of the desert through which she had just come seemed to cling to her like a shadow. She sat as if in a dream as 542 indivduals were recognized and pronounced "Sailors." Shortly after she stumbled down the stairs and blindly wandered toward the spot where she'd seen him last before he'd been swallowed by the crowd in front of her. She'd imagined this moment for so long, but now, it was as if she could scarcely feel anything. 

There he was. 

Finally, finally, she felt something! Only, as she watched him hug his parents and waited respectfully for her turn, his eyes met hers and it all came back. Every doubt, every tear, every hope, every fear, every step of that torturous journey fell crashing onto her like a wave.

But then - the moment she'd been waiting for for 55 days! He was holding her and her tired head was finally resting where it belonged. Only then did she realize that she was shaking uncontrollably. The shear magnitude of what her heart had been through seemed for a moment to overwhelm here. But then, finally! It was gone. All that pain, washed away. Those lonely hours, the heartbreaking weeks - GONE! 

His voice, his touch - him! In his arms she saw once again why she'd walked through that desert that was rapidly disolving into the past: she loved him.