guy questions......

"how can i go through life having so few crushes?"
well, because i am too rational to have crushes. i think about guys, i think about liking guys, and sometimes i feel like i do. but then it's gone. leaving nothing in my heart, nothing in my life, nothing in my past. there have been 3 guys in my whole life who i ever liked. when i think about a guy, there's not the question of whether or not i do like him, as much as if i could like him. there are plenty of guys i think i could like, but i never like them enough to try anything, and i am always inclined to think that no matter how much i like a guy, i probably couldn't fall in love with him anyway - that would take a very special guy...i've only been in love once...so, nothng happens.
it works out i suppose. i have very little drama in my life. but i also tend to be kinda lonely and i always end up wondering if something could've happened if i'd decided to at least give it a shot. i am still very much in the middle of thinking through all of this. do i try and risk hurting myself and/or him? or do i keep on playing it safe and enjoy the life i have? for now it is a non-issue because there aren't any guys in my life who i am tempted to try anything with, but we will see what the future (the fall semester...) brings.

"what would have happened if i'd been a little more aware of what was going on with him? is there still a chance for us? ....and WHY do i care? why would i even want him after everything...?"
all i can say to the first question is a Narnia quote, "no one is ever told what would've happened." i will never know, no one will. it doesn't matter. but it did show me that in the future i should be a little more in-tune the vibes a guy is giving, and the vibe i am giving. looking back, i never thought he would've been interested, and even now, i think it strange. but the signs were there - i just refused to even consider them. i didn't want to think he would care because then i risked disappointment if he ended up uninterested. so i missed out on the reality of him actually wanting something. so there is no way to know what would've happened if i'd thought more realistically about the situation, but it certainly inspires me to be a little more thoughtful if i am ever in a similar situation... is there still a achance? logically, of course there is. as long as we are in each other's lives, there is a chance. realistically, no. i said no once, and while it was something of a rash question for our level of interaction, who wants to risk rejection twice? (i don't even want to risk it once...) the question he asked seemed legitimate to him at the time, and with hindsight, i understand why and think he had every right to ask what he did. but i said no. so now any question, no matter how justifiable it may seem to either one of us, can only be assumed to be denied. so logically, there is a chance. but logically, it won't happen. and why do i care... why do i care about anything? i will never know that. but safe to say that he is one guy who i not only feel i could like, but i guy who i would like to try liking to see if it could be something special.