"why do i like a few people so very much and why do i feel like i only like those people when in reality there are plenty of other people who i like?"
there are, i think, 5 types of people in my life: 1) people i know, all of them who i like in a general sort of way. i will go out of my way to spend time with someone even if i don't know them in the least just to get to know a little more about them and i little more about the world. people who i care about simply because they are people. 2) people who i am friends with. people i will remember and talk to every time i see them, people who i care about because our lives consistently touch and affect each others'. 3) people who have influence in my life. people with whom i have spent enough time to know plenty about and to be able to predict and interpret what they say and do, and people who know me in the same way. i talk to these people to greater and lesser extents depending on how long we know each other, how often we see each other, and how interested we are in getting closer. people i care about because they are semi-permanent in my life. 4) people who i acknowledge that i like. this is a very broad range of people from some of my "best friends" to people i have hardly met. this "liking" is not always to the same extent but it only seems to have a low correlation with the length of time i've known someone, the amount of time i spend with them, what we have in common, or any other variable that i can think of. these are the people i feel the most that i like because i can't think of any reason why i like them. 5) my family. people i care about because i can't not care about them. people i care about because we have spent so much time together. people i care about because i won't lose them in any way except death. people i care about because i've never wanted to not care about them.
then there are the people who are somewhere inbetween. or some of both. we all of those...
and then there's jo. but that is a different story entirely and never will anyone mean what she means to me. i hope at some point to have a different best friend, and only then will i be able to start understanding what he will mean to me.
so maybe i should stop telling myself that i don't care about people. because i do care about people even if it is in a more rational way than most people think of as "caring". and even if there are big differences in the ways i care about different people.
"why are some people so much easier to forget than others? consciously or unconsciously..."
well, the short answer is, types 1 and 2 i forget without even realizing that i've forgotten. type 3 i think of from time to time and there is either a feeling of pleasure at the memory because the friendship could be renewed easily, or there is a feeling of pain because the friendship is gone. obviously, if someone gets to type 4 i will never forget them, though i can go for day or weeks without thinking of them. type 5, well.....i don't think i ever forget anything about my family except birthdays... :o
"why do some friendships feel so real and others i feel like i am making up?"
this one, well. i have no answer. i have an idea, but it's only a rough idea. i think it might be that the people who are type 4, i always am very excited to meet one, but it always feels a little too good to be true, so when we aren't together i feel like i was probably making up how much i liked them, and i am certainly making up that they liked me... this usually lasts until we get to be good friends, until we've stayed friends/aquaintances for a good amount of time, or we never get close and quickly leave each other's lives.
"what causes a frienship to end, and how should i feel about it?"
well, in my life there have been several different things that have ended my friendships. death. dishonesty. distance. time. laziness. and either "breaking up" or the guy wanting "more than friends" and being unwilling to keep up the friendship after rejection. most of these, while they can be painful at the time, are also natural. death feels like a very unnatural way for a friendship to end because it is 100% irreparable, unlike the other ways, but it is, in fact, the most natural. dishonesty is not natural and no friendship should end that way. distance is one that we all like to think shouldn't end a friendship, and often it doesn't, but it will always change it, so while it may not completely end a friendship it will end the friendship as it has been so far. time...this one is tough. what would make time end a friendship? well...probably laziness. people change and if i am lazy about staying in touch with my friends through the change, the friendship will be very different if it doesn't end, because the people involved will be different. and i don't really care to think about the last one. it is stupid if natural and expected.
"how can i go on making friends in a world where there is so much change and everyone seems to leave sooner or later?"
only one solution. decide that it's worth the pain. live for the now instead of living in the memories of the past or the dread of the future. nothing lasts forever, so take what the moment gives you and let the rest of the moments that make up your life take care of themselves. i wish i was better at living this one...
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