a not-so-typical day

this morning i woke up at 0800. that's very normal. but everything else was not normal... mainly cause i was in the guest bedroom at my brother's house instead of in my bunk-bed in my apartment.

i checked my phone and had no new texts. that's semi-un-normal. i was a little sad...

after i finally dragged myself out of bed i decided to shake a tower and wash my hair. that's not terribly strange. i guess. after surviving that ordeal, dressing, drying the mirror and parting my hair, i realized that after waching my hair i had completely forgetten to put in conditioner. quite odd. i wondered if that would be indicative of the rest of my day...

in some ways, absolutely! i have been very out-of-it today. something about life just seems off. i dont like it.

we ate breakfast. went shopping. and then we watched temple grandin - my nephew's newest favorite movie. it was challenging tho good. i have a hard time with movies like that. especially on days like today...

jo and i drove back to cookeville where we stopped at cracker barrel for her to start her shift. i went to dolce and sat outside to read psychology. while there a guy walked up that i met last week. i dont think he recognized me. after meeting up with his girlfriend they went in and sat at the table right next to mine - on the opposite side of the window. it was awkward, i just tried (unsuccessfully) not to think about it.

then i went home and unpacked. then i came here to the library to check some internet stuff and write this blog post.

my brain is so messed up right now. i can't even begin to describe what i am thinking and feeling.

i feel like i have a world of my own. i feel like there is an impenatrable wall around my mind that no one can get into and i can't get out of. i feel lost in myself. i feel trapped.

i don't know how i got here and i don't know how to get out.

on top of (becuase of?) that, i am having guy issues. there's nothing wrong with the guys in my life. there's nothing wrong with the guys being in my life. it's just this, when too many people pay attention to me i get very confused, unstable, and clostrophobic. i can't deal with multiple guys trying to hold my attention. when this happens i want to go off into my own world. i want to never see a guy again.

only this time it is different. there is one guy i kind of want to talk to. would he understand? i have no idea. i almost wish i knew, but we are not close, so would that only make it harder?

i'm so confused.

will i ever know? how do i get past this one? i want to talk, but to who? not to the guys who want to talk to me....only to the people who don't seem as interested. why does it always work that way?

k. i got to go.

"my song is love, i love unknown. and i've got to get that message home." -coldplay

talk to me, please?