random thoughts...

a lot of them.

i love my life. i love the people in it. i love my job. i love school. i love being busy. i love that i am growing. i love living in cookeville. i love writing about it.

but......

loving my life doesn't make it easy.

all those things i mentioned, i love them, but they are all so hard...

the people in it. i love them. i love them like crazy. really. it is crazy...you wanna know who i love? i love my family who i only get to see once a week and most. i love my family who i almost never get to see. i love my friends who i never see anymore. i love my close friends who live in wisconsin, colorado, knoxville, and other far-away places. i love my best friend who i live with but barely keep up with. i love my friends who live here at ttu with me, but who live entirely different lives. i love my christian friends who i labour with, but i hardly know them. i love all my international friends who will all leave in 2 months or in may, who i will most likely never see again. i love my fiance who i have never seen yet.

my job. i babysit at the ttu child developement lab. preschoolers. i love them. loving this job is huge for me...i've never loved a job before. in the past, i've worked because i had to, and i just don't like having a job. it's not because of the work, it's becasue of the idea of a job. but this one i love. only it's hard. so many people wanting my attention, and the ones who don't want it are the ones who need it. i can't make them do anything, but that's my job. i still don't know if some of them recognize me...

school. it's school. i really love the work and i really love getting more knowledge. but it's work. most of it's not hard. but algebra is. sometimes i understand completely and then it is super enjoyable, but when i don't get it, there's nothing i can do about it - i can't figure math out by myself. so it's discouraging at times. other times it's just busy... grades are good. but that wasn't easy.

being busy. need i say more?

growing.....is what this whole post is about.......

living in cookeville. i love living in cookeville. i still walk around all the time thinking to myself "i live here....i LIVE here! :o". *grin* that part's good. only now i am so torn...there are so many other places i would like to be. the hard part is just being content with whre i'm at.

and writing about it is hard for many reasons. first, it means being at least somewhat vulnerable. second, it means i have to think through the pain. third, it means i want to talk about it, and there was no one to talk to.

=)

that's not funny, but i can't help but smile at myself.......

today i saw a guy who looked so much like...someone else. only taller and with blond hair. he paused for a minute when we made eye contact. do i remind him of someone from his past? just a thought. i would hope not... does he live here? will i see him again? why have i never seen him before? why do i (still) care....... i don't even put that one as a question anymore. i've gotten used to thinking of it as a fact. i want to see him again...i want him to talk to me again.....i want to look at his face and see if he really does look like...the other guy... does he have the same haunting eyes? what about the same riveting smile? but i don't. what if he did have the same eyes and smile? what if he does..... would i want to see them? yes...no....

but as i've never seen him before, i doubt i will see him again so it doesn't matter.

he's so much better as a memory than as anything else besides forgotten. (which won't happen.)

moving on.

the people i spend the most time with, or the most consistent time with. we are all trying to build frindships with international students, to love them, to share the gospel with them, to share our lives with them. they are my family here at school. they are my friends, my accountability, my encouragement. but i hardly know them...we just labor along beside each other.

paul, i love paul! he's the only one i was even friends with before... molly is amazing...but i hardly know her at all. i only know i like her. timber...brandon i don't know at all. same with kari. and will that ever change? the only time i ever see them is when we are in big groups so i never have any type of personal interaction. this can't be good! but what can we do? we have onlt so much time in our lives, and they have only so much time here. we have to pick priorities. *shrug* maybe we could do something about it though. maybe if i wasn't the only one who cared.....

SIGH

and there is more. but will i write about it?

maybe i will.

some of it...

i am very happy that i always walk with Jesus. and sometimes i lose sight of him, but he is never any farther away, my heart just looks in the wrong places. but we walk and talk all day long. it's so sweet. it's so amazing. it's so supernatural.

when i look at pictures of myself, and when i look at the way i talk, and when i look at how i get so distracted so easily, and when i look at other people, i wonder what's so cool about me. nothing. only somehow he loves me still. i dont understand that part......i dont see what he sees. i wont see it til i see him. but i know he loves me, and i know his love must shine through me too cause other people seem to really love me. and i'm not lovable. not on my own...anything in me to love is from him. i still dont get how that works. why does he love me? why do they love me?

i'm tired.