another happy post?!

...this has got to be a record. somebody please take the time to appreciate it.

thank you.

ok, now that i've got that out of the way, i can actually write the happy post. pretty much, it's about being nice.

i heard this quote in a silly movie i watched a few weeks ago, "the fastest way to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time." (actually, i heard the quote twice, because the DVD was messed up...)

to me, that sounds at least somewhat true. i don't know that there is any way to know what the "fastest" way to anyone's heart is, but the idea seems legitimate.

any gift you give to someone shows that you were thinking about them. a gift at an unexpected time most likely means that you thought about them even though there wasn't really any objective reason like christmas or their birthday. a gift at an unexpected time will most likely be an unexpected gift, so i think saying "an unexpected gift" might have been more accurately (though less poetically) described as "a unique gift".

a few days ago i received an extremely unique gift at a very unexpected time, and for sure - it touched my heart.

i started thinking of how easy it would be to give unique gifts to people at unexpected times... the gift given to me was not the kind of gift that *i* can really give to anyone else, but there are so many other gifts! time is a gift- often unexpected. a smile is a gift and each one is unique. a kind word is often the only gift needed. a simple note of appreciation or encouragement can go a long way. and, if you have money and a little more creativity, the list is endless.

so i'm trying to open my eyes and see the people in my life. not for what they can do for me, but for opportunities to give them small gifts that will hopefully show that they are valued. simply for existing.

thoughtful. caring. nice. whatever you want to call it, can it really be that hard? it's so simple.

wait and see

over the past few months, one concept has been repeatedly branded into my mind. maybe it's because there is so much i don't know, want to know, but can't know yet. maybe it's because this summer i have been forced to be patient. maybe it's because i've had to slow down. maybe it's because i'm too scared to do anything else.

regardless, it is the concept of slowing down, taking time, waiting patiently, and letting things work out. more and more frequently, i find myself saying things like, "just wait" "if it's important, i will figure it out" "we will see" "i didn't mind waiting" "wait and see" "we can do that later" "not long- only 4 months" "give it time" and "time will tell".

i find this mindset affecting more and more of my life.

it started with the whole area of a boyfriend (not mine)...should i date him or should i break up with him? there are 2 voices inside me telling me 2 different things? are they my head and my heart? are they both my head? the answer? wait. in a relatively short time, the 2 voices will agree much more, and then follow them. less than a month later, the questions were answered. the heart a little sore, but the lesson learned.

next, i saw it affecting the way i think about guys. i used to think that if a guy liked me and i didn't like him, well, that was the end. what else is there to do, think, or say? well, what if i took the time to get to know him and see what happens? what have we lost if i still don't "like" him in the end? i saw that just because i don't think or feel a certain way now, given time, i could change if i wanted to. also, just because a guy leaves my life for a summer, doesn't mean i assume i will never talk to him again. only time will tell that.

directly related to that is the way i think about my friendships. toward the end of last semester i met a whole group of people who i really like, and really hope to spend more time with this coming semester. i spent a lot of time with one person in particular, we got along great, could talk for hours, laughed at the same things, and told each other we could always stay that way. maybe we could. maybe we still can. i have no objection to spending lots of time with a new friend and getting to know them quickly; however, i have realized that there are some things about a person that only time can tell. we don't know each other very well at all. in that same group there are plenty of other people. 3 of them i started to get to know better and am very much looking forward to continuing those friendships more deeply when they come back for fall classes. i appreciate those friendships more because they are more natural. we are taking the time to get to know each other more broadly as well as deeply.

another specific friendship has majorly influenced and enforced my thoughts on this topic, but i think it merits its own post.

the impact of letting things happen more naturally reaches further than just relationships.

it affects the whole way i view my life.

i am not saying that i have no control over or say in what happens. not saying that at all! adversely, i think that every choice i make affects the me and my future in some way. however, i think that i should make the choices i make to the best of my ability, and then wait patiently to see what their consequences are. if i see problems, i should do my best to address them, but i can't expect to solve them overnight. sometime i can't know yet. i can't know what will happen with a certain guy this fall until this fall; however, i should take the time i have now to determine what i am ok with and to get ready for anything. if, by the time he gets back, i haven't determined that or i'm not ready, then i should just keep waiting.

simply put, i only have the present.

i should wait for the future because the best way to prepare for the future is to let it take care of itself as i take care of the present.

my next step is the one in front of me; not necessarily the one i want to be on, but the only way to get to where i want to be is to start from where i'm at.

my life is a path. i can't be anywhere but where i am. i will live in the moment, taking each step as it comes, letting time take care of the future; and hopefully i never stop walking.

happy post

i realized that the majority of the post on this blog are extremely contemplative, some semi-discouraging, and others are downright depressing. so.....this is my happy post.

list #1: people who have made a positive impact in my life over the past year...
1) tucoma winegar
2) tara decaraux
3) jake garner
4) aeri kim
5) jean-maxime bertrand
6) brandon brown
7) uiseong simon mun
8) youngho fred kim
9) salma aman
10) bongjun ryan moon
11) kari garrett
12) jiseong charlie jang
13) erik bengtsson
14) hyunjung olivia choi
15) youyung rachel hyun
16) molly reed
17) jeff wilkins
18) sami burchfield
19) robert williams
20) callie wright
21) brandon page (haha!)
22) beth ann tollison
23) my entire family
24) daniel riggs
25) nathan august riedel

list #2: dates/events i will remember and why...
1) august 2010: birthday trip to wisconsin
2) october 2010: campus outreach fall conference and gatlinburg with dudley
3) christmas break, 2010: road trip to dallas, tx with jinju
4) december 2010: straight A's fall 2010 semester
5) 29-31 december 2010: campus outreach new years' conference...met daniel
6) 18-20 february 2011: campus outreach spring retreat
7) spring break, march 2011: wisconsin with bong
8) beginning of april 2011, met and started hanging out with swing/ruf friends
9) april-may 2011: talks with tara, jo, max, and jake
10) april 2011: changed major from nursing to history and spanish
11) april 2011: dogwood swing/dylan's party
12) 9-14 may, 2011: ruf summer conference
13) may 2011: straight A's spring 2011 semester
14) july 2011: baby-sitting trip to wisconsin with ez
15) summer 2011: cookeville regional medical center 5th floor mural project

list #3: positive changes
1) i am far more comfortable with being open and honest with people
2) i am learning to live in the moment - not for the past of the present
3) i have made new friends
4) i have a differnet major
5) i am figuring out what i actually believe about God...religions...worldviews
6) i have falling in love with walking! ;)
7) i ride my bicycle
8) i am learning to live with less and less
9) i have been very happy all summer
10) i am learning when it is ok to be alone, and when i need other people

list #4: totally random things i am thankful for
1) big o's
2) youtube
3) john mayer's music
4) no cell phone!!
5) a fuzzy blanket
6) a job
7) bon jovi's basist
8) granola bars
9) glue
10) water bottles
11) magnolia trees
12) paper towels
13) facebook
14) sunshine
15) football
16) sharpies
17) another job
18) libraries
19) tevas
20) christmas lights

list #5: events i am looking forward to...
1) my friends coming back to cookeville
2) classes starting
3) meeting my little sibs
4) daniel being in cookeville
5) visiting jo
6) jo coming home (!!!!!!)
7) finishing the murals
8) making granola tonight
9) spending more time with tara...callie..sami...nathan...and HOPEFULLY daniel
10) ttu swing starting again
11) making new friends
12) legally being able to buy alcohol
13) getting a tatoo
14) watching into the wild
15) writing a research paper
16) learning more spanish
17) 5 time.....16 days..... :o
18) nomi coming on thursday
19) paying september rent
20) jo's next facebook message

the wrong seed

Luke 8:4-15

And when a great crowd was gathering and people from town after town came to him, he said in a parable: "A sower went out to sow his seed. And as he sowed, some fell along the path and was trampled underfoot, and the birds of the air devoured it. And some fell on the rock, and as it grew up, it withered away, because it had no moisture. And some fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up with it and choked it. And some fell into good soil and grew and yielded a hundredfold." As he said these things, he called out, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear." And when his disciples asked him what this parable meant, he said, "To you it has been given to know the secrets of the kingdom of God, but for others they are in parables, so that 'seeing they may not see, and hearing they may not understand.' Now the parable is this: The seed is the word of God. The ones along the path are those who have heard; then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. And the ones on the rock are those who, when they hear the word, receive it with joy. But these have no root; they believe for a while, and in time of testing fall away. And as for what fell among the thorns, they are those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by the cares and riches and pleasures of life, and their fruit does not mature. As for that in the good soil, they are those who, hearing the word, hold it fast in an honest and good heart, and bear fruit with patience.

What if I'm not good soil?

who?

i know myself. when i woke up bawling yesterday, i knew that the only safe response was to go back to sleep because if i didn't do that, the other options that would come to mind would all be bad. they would range from eating to cutting and everywhere inbetween. so i went back to sleep....woke up feeling enough better to think, so i began to wonder, what could i do to feel better? what are my options? iknew what i wanted. i wanted jo to be here and for her to put her arms around me and let me cry. but that couldn't happen....other things came to mind: someone else to hold me tight enough to where i would feel safe, music to drown the tears, food to stimulate my senses, and of course, the old stand-by - self-inflicted physical pain to numb the emotinal and psychological pain the trheatened to smother me in it's illogical and inescapable weight. none of the above seemed to be the right choice, so i forced myself to sleep more. when i woke up again, i was feeling sufficiently logical to begin to ask better questions... how do other people deal with pain? what is a different response to depression than hurting myself? what can i do besides retreat, isolation, and self-medication to combat the emotional pain that is always threatening to drown me if i give it the slightest chance? i know myself. i know how i attempt to cope. but what about other people? how do they fight? ...and will they talk? who will help me see options to a better way back up?

8 months ago i wrote this post entitled "the man i want to marry" which included this disclaimer, "well i have begun to realize, from people in my life, from people NOT in my life, and from general thinking, that i now have a fairly good idea of who i want to marry. that's what i think today, i'll be rewriting this post in less than a year i'm sure...lol"

i'm definately NOT planning to rewrite the post! i find it ironic how my "non-negotiables" have shifted or altered, but the things i just "want", are very much the same.

i am certainly not in the position to rewrite...i have no idea who i want to marry, and i have no idea what he will be like. and i certainly do not have a list. i have heard from several very different people why they are glad or not that they made a list or not, and i have decided that for now i want no list. he is who he is, and i just want to know him for who he is, not for how he measures up to a standard i once thought was appropriate...

will i be rewriting this post in less than a year?

WHO I AM

i have a fear of disappointing people. i don't fear that i will do it, i know i will. i don't fear that it will hurt the person or people who i disappoint. i know it will. it's just this vague fear.....

it drives me to spend time trying to distance people so that they won't excpet too much, and if they do, i will be less hurt by their hurt because of the distance.

it drives me to give up on things i enjoy and excel in because all-too-soon people start noticing and expecting more and better. and i don't want to disappoint.

it's not that i can't live up to people's expectations. often, i believe i could surpass them. but even more often, i simply don't want to. i don't want to excel in everything i could excel in. i have my own desires and my own ideals, and very often they do not coincide with anyone else's, leading me to give up on things i could do to try the next thing that catches my fancy. leaving the people who had big expectations for me to disappointment and confusion.

so why?

why do i have this intense fear of expectations and disappointing people?

...because it brings to startlingly painful relief the inadequacy i have been running from for the last 4 years.

i will never be good enough. i will never be enough. i will never be what was expected. i can never be what was expected. i am someone else.

parents, the people who we all have a craving to please often, and naturally, have expectations, ideas, hopes, and dreams of who their children will be. no wonder that they train their children the way they do. but no parent who trains their child to think for themselves can fully expect that child to think exactly like they do. but in our own ways, we all think we are right. so a parent trains his child to think, and assumes that the child will, given time, learn to think the same way he does. is it not then, a failure in the parent's eyes to see his child take a different path, a different worldview, a different religion, a different life-style?

all children can see that this is not right. all parents know that it is human.

but the child who was raised to think for herself, must think for herself.

must choose her own path. must chosoe her own worldview. must choose her own religion. must choose her own life-style.

yet somehow, to be a disappointment to the people who made her, raised her, and taught her to think, is almost too painful to consider.

4 years ago, without even thinking about it, i began to make my own deicisions regarding the things that i considered important. subtly at first, and then mor obviously, these decisions began to show the widening differences between me and my parents. i was mad at them, they were hurt by me. somewhere along the way my anger turned into mistrust. mistrust of everything they had taught me - except to think for myself. and i felt that their hurt had turned into disappointment.

now, i feel it haunting me everywhere i go.

is it real? are they truly disappointed in me? would they admit it if they were? would they be even more disappointed if they knew me better?

i try to not think about it. i try to truly think for myself. i try to live they way i think is the best way for me to live.

but at every step, at every turn in the path i've chosen, i know i am not the person they wanted me to be. i have failed them. i have disappointed them.

i never meant to...

i didn't try to disagree. i didn't try to be someone else. i simply am. WHO I AM, is a disappointment to the 2 people i am hardwired to respect and long to please.

there is no one else in the world who i can feel the same way about as i feel about my parents, so there is no one else who it bothers me quite so much to disappoint. but every time i see the look of hurt, confusion, or disappointment, all i can think is: "THIS IS WHO I AM. i hurt people. i disappoint people. WHO I AM is a failure."

kinda sucks.

time questions....

"what is a legitimate use of time?"
i am pretty sure that the answer to this question is a varied as the people you would try to apply it to. something that may be legitimate for me to do, might be a total waste of time for someone else. and it works the other way... someone might spend 2 hours at the gym working out which for me would be a very silly thing to do because i have no reason to spend 2 hours in the gym, and i wouldn't enjoy it. so i guess that kinda answers my question: if it is needful or enjoyable. i guess that is what i think of as legitimate...

"what does it mean to waste time?"
...would be the opposite. for me to spend an hour thinking about meaning and purpose is not a waste of time, but to someone else, it might be. once again, there is no specific answer...

guy questions......

"how can i go through life having so few crushes?"
well, because i am too rational to have crushes. i think about guys, i think about liking guys, and sometimes i feel like i do. but then it's gone. leaving nothing in my heart, nothing in my life, nothing in my past. there have been 3 guys in my whole life who i ever liked. when i think about a guy, there's not the question of whether or not i do like him, as much as if i could like him. there are plenty of guys i think i could like, but i never like them enough to try anything, and i am always inclined to think that no matter how much i like a guy, i probably couldn't fall in love with him anyway - that would take a very special guy...i've only been in love once...so, nothng happens.
it works out i suppose. i have very little drama in my life. but i also tend to be kinda lonely and i always end up wondering if something could've happened if i'd decided to at least give it a shot. i am still very much in the middle of thinking through all of this. do i try and risk hurting myself and/or him? or do i keep on playing it safe and enjoy the life i have? for now it is a non-issue because there aren't any guys in my life who i am tempted to try anything with, but we will see what the future (the fall semester...) brings.

"what would have happened if i'd been a little more aware of what was going on with him? is there still a chance for us? ....and WHY do i care? why would i even want him after everything...?"
all i can say to the first question is a Narnia quote, "no one is ever told what would've happened." i will never know, no one will. it doesn't matter. but it did show me that in the future i should be a little more in-tune the vibes a guy is giving, and the vibe i am giving. looking back, i never thought he would've been interested, and even now, i think it strange. but the signs were there - i just refused to even consider them. i didn't want to think he would care because then i risked disappointment if he ended up uninterested. so i missed out on the reality of him actually wanting something. so there is no way to know what would've happened if i'd thought more realistically about the situation, but it certainly inspires me to be a little more thoughtful if i am ever in a similar situation... is there still a achance? logically, of course there is. as long as we are in each other's lives, there is a chance. realistically, no. i said no once, and while it was something of a rash question for our level of interaction, who wants to risk rejection twice? (i don't even want to risk it once...) the question he asked seemed legitimate to him at the time, and with hindsight, i understand why and think he had every right to ask what he did. but i said no. so now any question, no matter how justifiable it may seem to either one of us, can only be assumed to be denied. so logically, there is a chance. but logically, it won't happen. and why do i care... why do i care about anything? i will never know that. but safe to say that he is one guy who i not only feel i could like, but i guy who i would like to try liking to see if it could be something special.

so first, friendship......

"why do i like a few people so very much and why do i feel like i only like those people when in reality there are plenty of other people who i like?"
there are, i think, 5 types of people in my life: 1) people i know, all of them who i like in a general sort of way. i will go out of my way to spend time with someone even if i don't know them in the least just to get to know a little more about them and i little more about the world. people who i care about simply because they are people. 2) people who i am friends with. people i will remember and talk to every time i see them, people who i care about because our lives consistently touch and affect each others'. 3) people who have influence in my life. people with whom i have spent enough time to know plenty about and to be able to predict and interpret what they say and do, and people who know me in the same way. i talk to these people to greater and lesser extents depending on how long we know each other, how often we see each other, and how interested we are in getting closer. people i care about because they are semi-permanent in my life. 4) people who i acknowledge that i like. this is a very broad range of people from some of my "best friends" to people i have hardly met. this "liking" is not always to the same extent but it only seems to have a low correlation with the length of time i've known someone, the amount of time i spend with them, what we have in common, or any other variable that i can think of. these are the people i feel the most that i like because i can't think of any reason why i like them. 5) my family. people i care about because i can't not care about them. people i care about because we have spent so much time together. people i care about because i won't lose them in any way except death. people i care about because i've never wanted to not care about them.
then there are the people who are somewhere inbetween. or some of both. we all of those...
and then there's jo. but that is a different story entirely and never will anyone mean what she means to me. i hope at some point to have a different best friend, and only then will i be able to start understanding what he will mean to me.
so maybe i should stop telling myself that i don't care about people. because i do care about people even if it is in a more rational way than most people think of as "caring". and even if there are big differences in the ways i care about different people.

"why are some people so much easier to forget than others? consciously or unconsciously..."
well, the short answer is, types 1 and 2 i forget without even realizing that i've forgotten. type 3 i think of from time to time and there is either a feeling of pleasure at the memory because the friendship could be renewed easily, or there is a feeling of pain because the friendship is gone. obviously, if someone gets to type 4 i will never forget them, though i can go for day or weeks without thinking of them. type 5, well.....i don't think i ever forget anything about my family except birthdays... :o

"why do some friendships feel so real and others i feel like i am making up?"
this one, well. i have no answer. i have an idea, but it's only a rough idea. i think it might be that the people who are type 4, i always am very excited to meet one, but it always feels a little too good to be true, so when we aren't together i feel like i was probably making up how much i liked them, and i am certainly making up that they liked me... this usually lasts until we get to be good friends, until we've stayed friends/aquaintances for a good amount of time, or we never get close and quickly leave each other's lives.

"what causes a frienship to end, and how should i feel about it?"
well, in my life there have been several different things that have ended my friendships. death. dishonesty. distance. time. laziness. and either "breaking up" or the guy wanting "more than friends" and being unwilling to keep up the friendship after rejection. most of these, while they can be painful at the time, are also natural. death feels like a very unnatural way for a friendship to end because it is 100% irreparable, unlike the other ways, but it is, in fact, the most natural. dishonesty is not natural and no friendship should end that way. distance is one that we all like to think shouldn't end a friendship, and often it doesn't, but it will always change it, so while it may not completely end a friendship it will end the friendship as it has been so far. time...this one is tough. what would make time end a friendship? well...probably laziness. people change and if i am lazy about staying in touch with my friends through the change, the friendship will be very different if it doesn't end, because the people involved will be different. and i don't really care to think about the last one. it is stupid if natural and expected.

"how can i go on making friends in a world where there is so much change and everyone seems to leave sooner or later?"
only one solution. decide that it's worth the pain. live for the now instead of living in the memories of the past or the dread of the future. nothing lasts forever, so take what the moment gives you and let the rest of the moments that make up your life take care of themselves. i wish i was better at living this one...

questions

i've had plenty of time to sit and think and wonder over the last couple weeks. which was the plan - to the extent that i plan anything. there have been plenty of thoughts in my head, and the biggest thing that i am thinking about is friendships. questions such as, "why do i like a few people so very much and why do i feel like i only like those people when in reality there are plenty of other people who i like?" "why are some people so much easier to forget than others? consciously or unconsciously..." "why do some friendhips feel so real and others i feel like i am making up?" "what causes a frienship to end, and how should i feel about it?" "how can i go on making friends in a world where there is so much change and everyone seems to leave sooner or later?" other things on my mind include guy questions... "how can i go through having so few crushes?" "what would have happened if i'd been a little more aware of what was going on with him? is there still a chance for us? ....and WHY do i care? why would i even want him after everything...?" time questions... "what is a legitimate use of time?" "what does it mean to waste time?" religion questions...i'm not ready to go into those... and lastly, questions of purpose... "what is the purpose of purpose?"

strange

how fast someone can change given the right circumstances.

it bothers mewhen people don't know who i am, but that, i think, is a little hypocrytical. because i never even know who i am. as soon as i think i've got it figured out and stop thinking about it, something happens to challenge me and all-of-a-sudden i am once again confused. so if i have no idea who i am, how can i expect anyone else to know? i can't. so i will stop. and that means that i will have to stop caring about the fact that people don't know ho i really am. shouldn't be hard, should it? but it is.

also strange, i never regret anything about my life, but i do regret that i write about it. i am always a little ashamed when i read what i've written. because half of the time it no longer represents the way i think. but what's wrong with that? i am simply chronicling where i've been, not where i am currently am.

so where am i currently? ...when i care enough to figure it out, i might update.

tired (and scared)

so naturally, my mind is full.

full of fear.

but why? where did it come from? there was a time in my life when i would've said that i wasn't scared of anything. now? now i am scared of everything. fear dictates everything i do, and especially everything i don't do. i say "no" out of habit, to almost any question that's asked me. and it's all because of fear.

i wish i could point to one specific time when the fear first started. maybe it's always been here, but i'm just now starting to feel its effects. or maybe when i was young, i was never challenged, so there truly was no fear.

...but somewhere along the way, fear began to tell me that i should stay away from any situation that i couldn't be in total control of. fear began to tell me that i should hide who i really am cause otherwise i wouldn't "fit". fear began to tell me that i would never measure up. fear began to tell me that i had to keep distance- mental, emotional, and physical, cause otherwise, people might find out that i'm flawed. fear began to tell me that it's better to be safe than sorry.

so here i've been attempting to stay safe and instead i am incredibly sorry.

ironic, don't you think?

all those quotes... "better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." "if you never try you'll never know." "just do it." i always wanted them to inspire me, but i think instead they just scared me.

the most recent was this, "now could be the time to change that." but the difference was that instead of some lame quote on a facebook quote wall or a t-shirt, it was a real person. a real person that i desperately wanted to say "yes" to, but instead i said no. why? cause i wanted to say no? cause i thought it was right to say no? NO! all because i was too damn scared to say yes! granted, the fears were legitimate fears, but what was i thinking? i KNOW what happens when i say no! it's what i've done my whole life. i only have those fears cause i've never faced them. i have no idea what would've happened if i'd said yes- and now i've lost my chance.

i never try, so i never know.

but how to change?

that chance is gone...that's a chance i actually wanted, but i have to let it go. sigh.... what other chances can i take? there's a reason i don't have many chances anymore: i've chosen so many safe paths that now the chances are few and far between. and when they do come, well. i'm scared and so slow...it takes patience to get to me, and most chances only come along once in life. so i let them go, and they let me go.

so how to change?

i will face my fears. it will take such a torturously long time, but i will do it. so please, give me one more chance...!

maybe i will write about what i am really thinking about

naturally, it has to do with guys. especially one guy. but it has as much to do with all the other ones out there too.... one feels more personal, but i know he's not. he is nothing to me: we were friends, but his life has moved on, and now, our friendship is a pale shadow of what it used to be, fading into a memory...

yeah, so we were friends. there was nothing more and there was nothing less.

that was summer 2009.

but the summer ended as do all summers...and our paths parted. i wanted to stay friends, and it hurt to know that he didn't really care that much. but such is life, i learned to live with it.

we parted as friends.

there was nothing more and there was nothing less.

only...the seeds of more were sown, and as always happens when the seeds of more are sown, the seeds of less were sown right along with them.

what changed? nothing. only, when i thought about him leaving my life, i was jealous of the other people he choose to spend his last days with. when i thought about the times we'd spent over the summer, i knew it could be another 19 years before i would know someone with whom i felt so at home. when i thought about how well we got along, i didn't care about the problems we had.

then, for months, there was nothing. i saw nothing of him. i thought nothing about him. i felt nothing for him.

the little things go big

isn't that how life works? all the little things seem so big while we are in them, but in the end, it's just another little thing...

it's weird to see the way my life is now. it's weird to see the way my mind changes and grows; to see the way my heart beats and breaks; the way friendships build and crumble; the way school drags and runs away; the way the future crystalizes and blurs... every freakin day.

i see the lives of the people around me changing so quickly and so definately, but i feel the same. it's like watching the world go by in slow motion as i slip into rewind.

but i know that i have to be changing too.

i want to change my major. that's a change.

i have a bunch of new friends this semester. that's a change.

i have to make plans for this summer. that's a change.

i love drinking tea. that's a change.

i wanted to move into a house with 4 other girls. that's a change.

i look for ways to spend time with people. that's a change.

i cut my hair. that's a change.

i have 5 piercings. that's a change.

i want a place to call home. that's a change.

i have stopped looking for a guy who "fits". that's a change.

i want to be an artist. that's a change.

i am learning that it's not always better to be stronger. that's a change.

i fight every day to be the person i want to be. that's a change.

......maybe that's all, maybe there's more, but i think i have proven to myself that i am changing along with the rest of the world. it's a good feeling, but so strange! i feel like this thing called life just keeps getting more and more complex, but less and less complicated.

and ironic.

that's what life seems to me - a big irony. the timing of life. the people in life. the desires in life. the problems in life. "when you have more than you want, you think you need. and when you think more than you want, your thoughts begin to bleed. i think i need to find a bigger place, cause when you have more than you think, you need more space."

and no, that didn't make much sense to me either.

;)